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Today, I coached 2 women separately who had a breakthrough coaching session.

In our individual discussions their eyes were opened to a critical reality that they had been missing for so long.

Their emotions were palpable. 

I could see the light bulbs going off in their heads.

What was keeping them stuck and in confusion and frustration was instantly removed.

That’s what coaching does.

It reveals to you yourself in a way you’ve never seen.

It gives you a perspective on your life that opens up an entirely new world of possibility.

It is a deeply profound experience that defies words.

I know this for sure as my clients sat in utter silence from the revelation they had about their situations.

And themselves.

As we ended, I knew their lives would never be the same.

I knew that in our 1-hour session, we had made more progress than they would have made in years on their own.

I knew that they now saw themselves and their situation transform before their very eyes by a profound question I posed.

What would a breakthrough look like for you right now, ?

What is the thing you have been bumping up against over and over and over again with no real progress or change?

What is the place where you find yourself constantly stuck, repeating the same words, thoughts and habits?

What is the weight that you carry with you every single day that you cannot figure out how to put down?

You can break through it.

I am personally on a high from those sessions.
Because I know what a transformation coaching can create in a person’s life.

It did that for me.

I am honored to do what I do.
It is a deep passion that God awakened inside of me. 
It is an experience that often pours out of me like water into a glass. 

, you are probably just a few moments away from your own breakthrough.

I want to help ensure you get on the other side of your challenges as fast as possible.

Here are three keys are are critically important to getting there.

#1. Consider new questions. 

I know whatever is happening in your life right now is something that you’ve spend a great amount of time thinking about and trying to figure out. Part of what’s great about having a coach is that they ask you questions you’ve never asked yourself. This in and of itself is valuable, but more so are the answers that are generated as a result. Powerful questions produce powerful answers. Powerful answers produce powerful results. Powerful results produce powerful shifts in your life.

#2. Think new thoughts. 

Sometimes you are not even aware of how your thinking contributes to the situations in your life. And even still, sometimes you are not even aware of what you are thinking at all. The only way anything in your life will change is once you change your thinking about it. It’s the first and most important step. Many people won’t do the hard work of reprogramming their minds. It takes consistency, and a deep understanding of what you need to believe at your core in order to make progress. 

#3. See a new you. 

We stay stuck because the image of ourselves and the identity we’ve been attached to remain the same. And lasting change in your life will come about when you see yourself differently. When you shed the version of yourself that was created by the expectation of others, the limitations of others, and the failure of others, you finally step into who you truly are. You are powerful beyond measure. You are absolutely incredible. You are already worthy because you are. You do not have to earn it. Anything you want is already yours to have. Once you see yourself as having it, everything about your life can change. 

Staying stuck right now is a choice you are making.
I know it doesn’t feel that way.
I know it doesn’t look that way.
I know everything in front of you prevents you from seeing that way.

But I am a truth teller.
The truth is not always what we want to hear.
It is always what we need to hear.
Because the truth leads to breakthroughs. 

If you would like to achieve breakthroughs in your own life right now, I have an incredible resource for you that will get you started in achieving any goal you have in mind! 2019 is quickly approaching and your life is demanding that you level up.

People who have extraordinary lives do things differently.

There are a set of principles and strategies that they apply to everything they do to get remarkable results. I want to share with you the Top 5 Tips for Achieving Any Goal in your life.

Whether it’s your marriage, your profession, your life’s purpose, or just your overall well-being, once you have these 5 secret strategies in your hand, the sky is the limit for you, and your breakthrough will be inevitable. 

CLICK HERE to get your 5 Secret Strategies to Achieving Your Goals

 

To your breakthrough in 2019,

Dr. Chavonne

Loneliness.

It’s probably something you never expected to feel in your marriage.
But here it is.

There is an emptiness inside of you craving that connection you once felt.
You miss his presence, even when he’s in the room with you.
You miss the talks, the conversations and discussions that brought you closer and helped you to really see each other.

Now, your longest conversation is around the logistics of managing your life together.
There is no connection.
No closeness.
No seeing each other at all.

In those moments when you feel most lonely, what do you do, ?

What do you turn to?

For whenever there is a need not being met in one way, we meet it in another.

Do you spend your time being “too busy” doing a million and one things?
Do you allow yourself to become addicted to the latest happenings in your social media news feed?
Do you turn to the comfort of your favorite snacks?
Do you binge watch TV and escape into the “reality” of others?
Do you find yourself shopping beyond your bank account?

I know you’re just trying to deal with the void that’s inside of you.
But those replacements will never fill the gap.

The gap first must be filled by a deeper relationship with God. The God inside of you, for He is there, always, waiting for your acknowledgment.

You are never alone.
Never, ever.

And the way you tap into His presence is by getting in His presence.
Turn on some worship music.
Talk to Him in prayer.
Read His word, as if it’s a message just for you.
Allow His spirit of love and peace to fill you, complete you, and bring you wholeness.

And once it does, you allow that positive energy to direct your interactions with your husband.

Speak to him from the deepest places of your heart, and from the love you have for him.

And if he’s not at a place to truly receive that, do not allow yourself to take it personally.

Instead, create with your thoughts, your words, and your beliefs the exact experience you want to have with him.

Ask God to soften his heart, and to teach him how to love you.

Believe that he will.

Align yourself with your desires, by always showing up as your best.
Affirm him.
Appreciate him.
Admire him.

For those things will always draw him to you, and make him want to be around you.

Do not let his actions determine how you respond.
You get to choose.
And if what you want more than anything is connection, look for ways to connect.

Your ego will try to protect you and tell you that withdrawing is the best thing to do.

But do not be deceived.

More than anything your husband is wanting to connect with you too.
You just have to lead the way…

If you could use some help in rebuilding the connection with your husband, I want to offer you 12 quick ways to do so that don’t feel like such hard work.

DOWNLOAD THE GUIDE HERE

I know when the loneliness sets in, it’s hard to know what to start doing to turn things around. In this PDF, I offer you some immediate ideas that you can put to use tonight.

Yours in relating well,

Dr. Chavonne

When it comes to your marriage problems, have you ever asked yourself this question, “Is it him, or is it just me?” 

Are there low points where you try to determine if you are just over-reacting, or being too sensitive? 

Do you ever wonder if you’re making a big deal about something, or letting your irrational fears rule your mind?

Do you ever feel like nothing your husband does ever makes you happy and that you have a hard time finding anything positive to say about him?

I’m sure he could do better. I’m sure he even needs to do better. 

But, you also have to ask, are there things you probably need to get better at too?

Like managing your emotions?
Like controlling your words?
Like cutting down on how much you complain about when it comes to him?
Like learning to focus on what’s going right instead of everything that’s going wrong?

It’s easy to fall into these phases from time to time.

But when the phase becomes your way of being, that’s when you really do want to investigate that question: Is it him or is it you?

On the surface you might just say, it’s both of you.
And you’d be right.

But if you look a little deeper, you’ll see the ways you might be allowing certain situations to bring out aspects of yourself you don’t like very much.

Your insecurities.
Your trust issues.
Your fears, concerns and worries.
Feeling like you’re not good enough.
Questions about if he really loves you or not.
Doubts about your future together.


If you look a little deeper, you might see how the resentment building up inside you needs to be cleared out.

How you look at him with so much anger and frustration.
How cold and hard your heart has grown.
How much you have begun to enjoy time away from each other.

If you look a little deeper, you might notice how some of your old wounds keep coming back up to create more distance between you.

Scars from being rejected.
Dismissed.
Overlooked.
Unloved.
Made to feel unimportant.

If you look a little deeper, you might become aware of how much you need to start loving yourself again.

How you don’t do anything for yourself.
How you don’t like the reflection you see in the mirror.
How your self-esteem is low and you cover it up with material things or your professional accomplishments.
How you are not even sure of exactly who you are anymore.

Those are beautiful things to realize.

Because once you are aware of them, you have the opportunity to transform them.

See yourself as a confident, trusting, self-assured, loving wife.

See yourself madly in love with your husband, rushing through the day just so you can spend more time with him.

See yourself as a woman who is accepted, appreciated and adored.

See yourself as a woman who is beautiful, whole and complete from the inside out.

There is some part of you that’s wanting to be better. 

There is some part of you that wants to rise above this situation right now and live in a place of total love and peace.

There is some part of you that still believes this will all work out and that you’ll have your happily ever after. 

Because you know you owe that to yourself.
You owe it to your marriage.
You owe it to your children.
You owe it to God.

If that’s you, let’s talk.

Your life is too important to have unanswered questions.
You are too amazing to sit in this place of confusion.
Your marriage is too valuable to let sink further and further down.

Let’s answer the questions.
Let’s find the solutions.
And let’s lift your marriage higher.

 I’d love to invite you to join my email community where you can receive encouragement, resources and advice to strengthen your marriage and your life.

To the answers within you…

Dr. Chavonne

CLICK HERE to get your audio!

To beliefs to hold on to,  

Dr. Chavonne

In the busyness of life, it’s easy to put to the side those other non-urgent (but really important) things than need your attention.

Like your emotional health.
Those lingering issues in your marriage.
Getting help and support for all that you are going through.

Maybe you think you’ll make the time later.

Or maybe you feel like you don’t even know where to start.

Maybe you’re thinking you don’t have the emotional energy to work through all that bombards your mind.

There’s too much pain.
Too much history.
Too many wounds that were never healed.

You give yourself an out, and it seems to be okay.

Then, pouf, before you know it you are knocked off course again.
A small incident.
A brief conversation.
A passing comment.

They send you spinning into negative emotions, like anger, frustration, sadness, and disappointment.

And all those things you kept putting off come crashing down and spilling out in your interactions with your husband.

Those things that were never resolved.
The situations where you never received closure.
Those issues where you still have unanswered questions.

There they are again, demanding your attention in the most obvious way.

You’re irritated and annoyed at everything.
You’re extremely emotional.
You’re distant and withdrawn.

These are signals that you need to pay attention to.

When they come (and they always do) I want to empower you with a few tools that can make the recovery process a little more smooth.

If you have a few minutes, spend the time now to think about these things and how you can apply them to your own life right away.

1. Understand what is bothering you the most.

This is really important. When things are not going well in a marriage, you have an overwhelming list of complaints, disappointments and unmet expectations. But when you can pinpoint the one thing that if resolved, would make everything else so much easier, then you know where to focus your attention. Often this is the “lever” that once addressed, gives you the momentum and positive progress to quickly move through the other issues keeping you stuck.

2. Identify what you need for yourself during this time. 

When our emotions are on 100, we loose our footing and become scattered all over the place. It’s important that you understand what it is you need personally in order to get re-centered. Is it a few minutes alone each day? More quite time with God? Less on your plate to manage? More time out of the house doing things you enjoy? How can you begin to take care of yourself in ways that are productive and move you forward?

3. Brainstorm your solutions. 

The biggest mistake people make is staying stuck in the problem. They replay over and over what’s going wrong and what’s not working. Coming up with solutions that put you in a place of power is incredibly important. Think of the things you can do, the things you have control over, the things that don’t require your husband to do anything differently than he has been doing. This shift in focus relieves some of the stress and tension you feel and opens the door for progress in the right direction.

Here’s the thing.

You can’t heal what you never reveal.

Sweeping things under the rug only leaves a bigger mess to clean up later.
Stuffing your emotions down, only creates more pressure for a blow up at any moment.
Ignoring what you feel deep down only leaves you feeling empty and depleted.

Everything catches up with you in the end.
Now is the time to pick it up, and turn it into something different.

Looking at your life and marriage in this way does not have to be a painful, scary, or difficult process.

You can take baby steps, moving slowly to understand yourself better so you can be and feel better.

I used to be afraid of the inner work I needed to do.

Now I embrace it and set aside time daily (yes daily) to connect with my emotions and direct them in ways that serve me and my life. I seek God in this process, and He’s been a faithful guide.

I want to help you do the same.

If you find there’s lots in your life and marriage you need to unpack, let me unpack it with you. We can clean it up, and make it brand new.

Stay connected with my by joining my email community. You’ll receive encouragement, effective guidance, and resources to help you through whatever you may face in your marriage right now.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

To lighter loads ahead…

Dr. Chavonne

Have you ever asked yourself what you would do if your husband won’t change?

I know right now there are so many things about him you wish were different.

You wish he was more fun to be around.
You wish he helped out more with the house and kids.
You wish he paid more attention to you.
You wish he would talk to you and share what’s on his mind.
You wish he would listen to you and understand the things you are dealing with.
You wish he would stop working so much.
You wish he would compliment you more.
You wish he would make plans for you to do things together.
You wish he would text you throughout the day to let you know he’s thinking of you.

But what will you do if none of those wishes come to be true?

I ask my potential clients this question all the time. Most have no answer at all.

They are counting on him to eventually change or for something to be different in their situation.

So many times though, we want these things from our husbands because of how we think we will feel.

We think that if he would just be more present, caring and attentive, we would be so much happier together.

We think that if he would help out more and take on more responsibilities, we’d be less stressed and overwhelmed.

We think that if he would just make us feel valued, appreciated and special, we’d be so much more fulfilled.

But here’s the thing:

Your happiness, peace and fulfillment does not come from anything your husband does.

Those things come from within.
They come from inside of you.
God’s already given them to you.

And you get them by shifting your beliefs, your thoughts, your mindset and your focus.

Right now, you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you that you could feel peace no matter how your husband is being.

But it’s possible.

The roadblock for you is that everything you think about and see right now is pointing you in the direction of disappointment.

There is a set of beliefs that are on constant repeat in your mind that have convinced you that you cannot be happy until things change.

I want to show you that when you are happy, that’s when things change.

That’s not something we can fully cover in this brief email.

But I do want to leave you with 3 things you can start doing today to generate a little more happiness in your life right now.

These are things you do on your own, without needing your husband to do anything differently that what he’s been doing.

Before you read on though, I actually want you to make the commitment to DO these 3 things. It’s no use for you to just consume this information, and take no action.

If you close out this email without having taken 7 minutes to do what I offer, you’ll stay stuck in the same place you were before you ever opened it. But I’ll assume that because you DID open this email, you were looking for some type of encouragement or solution to your problem.

So, is that a YES that you will DO what I’m about to coach you to do?

Great.

What I share below are little happiness hacks that can help put you in a more positive state of mind and feel better. Right now, you want your husband’s actions to change so that you can feel happier with him. I’m going to show you how to feel happier with him in the absence of any change on his part.

Can you trust me to help you do that?

I’ll assume you said yes!

Before we start, I need you to rate your happiness right now.

On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you being married to your husband? 1 is not at all happy and 10 is extremely happy.

Make note of that, and now let’s get to work on the 3 steps.

#1. Write down 10 things you are grateful for about your husband and/or your marriage. 

This is important because you have got to start shifting your focus from what’s NOT working to what IS. When you think about positive things, it triggers the emotional centers in your brain to generate more positive emotions, like satisfaction, contentment and happiness. To not quit until you actually have 10 items on your list.

#2. Write down 1 thing that deep down inside you wish was true about your marriage right now. 

Now turn that into a positive belief. Then close your eyes and say this belief to yourself 10 times right now.

For example, if you really wish you and your husband could talk to each other without fear it will lead to an argument, your belief would be: My husband and I talk to each other in ways that bring us closer together.

Or if you wished your husband paid more attention to you, your belief would be: My husband gives me all the attention I need.

Again, after you have created your belief, close your eyes, imagine it’s true and repeat it to yourself 10 times.

#3. Thank God for the way He is working in your situation right now. 

If you take God at His word and if you love Him, you can rest in confidence knowing that all things are working together for your good. Even when it seems the opposite is happening. Take a moment to say this prayer (or create your own):

Lord, I surrender my thoughts, my beliefs, my mind and soul to you right now.  Thank you so much for this opportunity to come to you. Thank you so much for what you are doing in my marriage. Thank you so much for how you are shifting things. Thank you so much for the ways I am growing as a wife and as your child.

Thank you so much for being present with me when I’m feeling down. Thank you so much for reminding me that when I’m weak, you are strong within me. Thank you for the peace you offer that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for the joy you’ve placed in my heart that I can access whenever I need it. Thank you for reminding me that you are in control, and that you are perfecting all things that concern me.

Lord, I surrender my husband to you right now. I thank you for bringing us together, and I thank you for the work you are doing in him right now. I leave it all to you, and choose happiness for myself. I choose to be content in my present situation and wait patiently expecting something even better in the future. I’m so thankful and so grateful that I see a more fulfilling relationship with my husband right now. And I ask that you show me what I am to do during this time of waiting. My eyes, ears and heart are open to hearing from you.

In the mighty name of Jesus I pray.
Amen.

Now, if you really did those 3 things, I want you to re-rate your happiness level right now. Was there an increase in your number? Do you feel a little more hopeful and optimistic?

I hope that’s the case.

I share these strategies because they work, when you really take the time to use them consistently.

Now if you experienced a shift just by doing these 3 things over email, imagine how you might feel after a full 30 days of working directly with me as your coach.

I am committed to helping you not only feel better about your marriage, but actually create a reality that matches the one you are believing in right now.

If you used strategies like these every day for 30 days and started taking more loving and less damaging actions in your marriage, you would see something pretty amazing things happen.

Many of those things on your husband wish list would start to manifest in your real life.

I know this to be true, personally and from my clients’ experiences.

These are just some of the things you should expect from the Marriage Breakthrough 30 Day Intensive Experience.

This powerful coaching program includes my most effective strategies to create lasting change within yourself, your husband and your marriage.

You will literally be amazed at how quickly you start to feel better and actually witness an improvement.

Through this program, I will show you how to effectively:

**Control your emotions so you can reduce the amount of time you spend frustrated with your husband

**Change the things about yourself that are destroying your marriage so you can feel truly happy again

**Influence your husband in positive ways that draw him close to you instead of driving him away

**Resolve your communication issues so that you feel heard, understood and respected when talking with your husband

Here’s what’s included:

-One 60 minute private coaching session – this is where we will uncover the biggest change that needs to happen so that your marriage is radically improved and you feel better and more hopeful about what’s happening.

-Customized 30 Day Marriage Improvement Plan – I will provide you with daily actions and exercises so that you can see tangible differences in your marriage and how your husband responds to you.

-4 Weekly Check-ins – I will encourage you, motivate you, and hold you accountable to the changes you want to make, and problem-solve any unexpected challenges

-One 30 minute follow-up coaching session – after you’ve completed the 30 days, we will map out a maintenance plan to consistently create positive change in the weeks and months to come.

In this program, you get me as your virtual coach, walking with you step by step to think more positively and become a happier person.

If there is any part of you that’s looking for help and support during this difficult time in your marriage, let’s see if I’m the right person to help you and if this program is the right solution.

CLICK HERE to schedule a complimentary consultation

You can be happy in your marriage right now, and I can show you the exact path to getting there.

Let’s talk about how to do that together. 

Yours in relating well,

Dr. Chavonne

Comparison is a concept all of us are familiar with.

We compare ourselves to others and feel better.
We compare ourselves to others and feel worse.

It’s a human tendency that can show up in every part of your life.

What you do with it is up to you.

You can use it to motivate and inspire you.
You can use it to deflate and discourage you.

When it comes to marriage, there are so many avenues of comparison.
Most of them lead us down a dangerous and unproductive trap.

Just scroll through your social media news feed, and you’ll be greeted with tons of examples of what everyone else’s husband is doing and saying.  You can quickly feel like your husband is just not measuring up.

I want to take this concept one step further and offer some insight you may not have considered before.

I want to suggest that perhaps your husband’s greatest competition is not with the photos and check-ins on Facebook, but that your husband’s greatest competition is with your image of him.

I believe there are 3 specific images of our husbands that live in our minds, and influence the way we feel about him, for good or bad.

Here they are:

1. Who you thought he was. 

This is the image you created of him when you first met and fell in love. That man who could do no wrong. Who said all the right things, showed you the love and affection you desired, and made you feel like the most important and beautiful woman in the world.

You easily overlooked his shortcomings because there were so many other good things to over-ride those weaknesses that seemed easy to deal with at the time. He was so right for you and some how met most of your emotional needs without you having to ask, beg, or plead. This was the version of him you thought would make your life complete.

2. Who you wanted him to become. 

Over time, you noticed some things about his personality or the way he chose to be that you hoped would change for the better. His stubbornness. How long he took to get things done. His focus on work and other things. His quietness.

You figured that by talking about these issues, and making some helpful suggestions, you could easily encourage and motivate him to become more the way you thought he should be. Of course, you were not trying to change him (that never works) but you did hope to be able to show him a different way of doing things that worked better for you.

3. Who you wish he could be now.

Now, as disappointment and unmet expectations may have built up, you find yourself creating a whole new image of him that on many days, seems like an impossibility. This is the husband you think will make you happy. The one who will help out around the house more, who will take off of work just to surprise you with a nice lunch out, the one who listens to your problems with just the right amount of empathy and caring.

This is the husband who follows through, who schedules the date nights and easily admits when he’s wrong. This is the husband that hands down is your best friend and favorite person in the world to spend time with. He’s some how found a way to right all his wrongs, and did all that he needed to help you truly let go of any past resentments and hurts.

These 3 versions float in and out of your mind regularly leaving a noticeable void if they don’t align with the husband in front of you now.

Its in these cracks and crevices, these openings and holes that comparison lives.

And these are the versions of your husband that your current (real life) husband could never compete with.

Because none of them are real.

They were all created in your mind. By your thinking. Your opinions and preferences that soon turned into hard and fast beliefs, perceived as the truth about who and what he is.

The good news is, just as you made it all up before, you can make it up again.

You can have whatever kind of husband you make up your mind to have.

It requires that you spend more time thinking about what you LOVE about him, than what you wish was different.

It requires that you spend intentional time writing out all the things about him that you appreciate, rather than keeping score for the ways he falls short.

It requires that you look for the unexpected benefits of having him in your life rather than focusing on the expectations he still seems to miss.

When you get your mind right, you can have any kind of husband you want.

And there’s no competition there at all.

Now I don’t mean to imply that overnight he’s just going to be transformed by some fairy god-mother of positive thinking.

But what I do know is that when we hold a certain image of someone, we tend to act towards them in ways that align with that vision.

So if you see husband #1 from above, you are going to respond to him very differently than if you see someone who is the opposite of that.

And it’s your pattern of thought, which feed into your pattern of behavior that ultimately determine the quality of your relationship.

Everything you are experiencing in your marriage right now is in some way related to a thought you had, followed by a set of behaviors and decisions that aligned with that thought.

This is one of the reasons I spend so much time working with my clients to re-frame their thinking about their marriage. This process often takes having someone with an objective point of view to show you the things you just can’t see.

Once you are thinking and feeling differently, taking those loving actions and being more of the kind of wife you are proud of is much, much easier.

It’s those consistent loving actions that open the door for better communication, ultimately lead to a marriage that truly lights you up inside.

So today, why not put your current husband in competition with husband #1, 2, and 3 from above. And make sure he’s guaranteed to win.

Yours in relating well,

If you are looking for a marriage professional to help you navigate some of the challenges you are going through right now, I’m here to support you. When I’m writing, creating videos, and launching events, I coach women and couples from all over the country in my private practice. CLICK HERE to apply for your complimentary consultation and see if I’m the right person to support you in mending your marriage.

Just like on the 4th of July, I’m sure you want to see fireworks in your marriage. There’s something magical and powerful about seeing the beautiful lights explode into the air.

It creates a burst of light where there once was darkness.

It made me think about what it would be like to create fireworks in a marriage that’s feeling a little lonely, dark, and missing that excitement.

This is such a common issue I hear about and help my private clients work through.

Every couple goes through these moments and so I thought I’d share some ideas for what to do to create fireworks in your own marriage.

So let’s stick with the fireworks theme for a minute and I want you to imagine you wanted to see real fireworks today. What would you do? The steps you’d take in that instance are really quite similar to what I’ll suggest for your own marriage.

1. Make the decision you WANT to see fireworks.

Everything you see in your life right now, is the result of a thought following by a decision to make it happen. If you’re not experiencing the love and excitement you desire in your marriage, that’s a signal you need to create a different pattern of thinking and make the decisions that align with what you want.

You can’t vacillate back and forth and let your feelings inform your decisions. Instead you must make a firm decision and allow your thoughts and emotions to line up with your commitment.

2. Get in the know. 

If you wanted to watch the fireworks in your local community, you’d do some research to find out where they’d be displayed. You’d acquire the information you needed to get what you want. Part of creating fireworks in your marriage involves knowing your spouse – what they like, how they best receive love, and what needs they have you may not be meeting.

It’s important to take the focus off of yourself (easier said than done) and reach out to him. One of my favorite questions to ask my husband when distance sets in is “What is something you’d like me to do that I’m not doing?” I posed this questions just the other week, and it opened a huge door in our communication. Even better, he then asked me the same question in return. Win-win for us both.

3. Make the effort…consistently. 

Once you have the information, you have to take the action. This will be more difficult for you if you are of the mindset that you’re “always” the one to make the effort. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and become the champion and cheerleader for your marriage. You will have to be the one to set the date night, let him know you’re thinking of him, and express your appreciation even when you are feeling under appreciated.

Do not let your pride stand in the way.

Make sure your actions are aligned with what you already decided you wanted in your marriage. Sometimes you have to be the one to light the spark and set off the first firework.

4. Be patient. 

Imagine arriving at the location of the fireworks show. You get there, settle in, and then what? You wait. And wait. The exact time they pop up is not up to you. Similarly, in marriage, sometimes you’ll find yourself waiting to see the outcomes you want. Things may be “delayed” and take longer that you expect. If you come with a mindset of patience, you will never be disappointed.

This requires that you are confident in the outcome. You have to begin to accumulate evidence that what you want is indeed on the way. You wouldn’t turn around and leave the fireworks show at the first sign of delay. You’d look around, and see other people in the same position, and sit back knowing that eventually you’ll see what you came to see. The same will apply to your marriage.

5. Appreciate and enjoy what you receive. 

We have a lot of expectations in marriage. Some are valid and other expectations will always leave us feeling disappointed. An important habit to develop is a constant spirit of appreciation. Any effort on your husband’s part, any progress in any way should be noticed and appreciated. You want to enjoy it for what it is instead of wishing he had done more or done it in a different way. When you appreciate the small efforts, it just motivates him to make a bigger effort next time. Men thrive on positive reinforcement.

I’ve been practicing this a lot in my own marriage, and to my delight yesterday my husband made dinner reservations for us at a one of the most gorgeous restaurants I’ve ever been to. I expected us to just “play it by ear” and didn’t nag him, or try to control how we would spend the time together, I was grateful we had a date night scheduled! But by trusting him, and focusing on the fact that we were both being intentional about this time together, I actually got even more than I expected!

If you feel like the fireworks you used to experience have long fizzled out, why not make a commitment really apply these steps to your own marriage?

I promise you just applying even one of them will make a difference.

And if you want some great ideas for how to re-light that spark, be sure to download my FREE GUIDE: LOVE SPARK: 12 Quick Ways to Re-Ignite Your Marriage!

Yes, give me that guide!

Yours in relating well,

Dr. Chavonne

Oh, and if you are looking for a marriage professional to help you work through some of the issues you face right now, I’m here to help. I coach women and couples from all over the world virtually through my private practice. Book your complimentary consultation with me by clicking here!

How many little annoyances are you presented with in a given day?

Think about it.

How often do you find yourself tempted to lose your patience, to say something you’ll later regret, or to do something that could create more distance between the people you love.

Annoyances are just that.

Annoying.

And if they are not handled appropriately, a small annoyance can go on to ruin your entire day, or even several days.

We all know that we should just let things go.
Easier said than done, right?

Sometimes we think we don’t have a choice in becoming irritated or frustrated.
Sometimes we think there is no other way we could possibly react.

I know differently.
And I want to help you believe the same.

It really is true that you have total control over how you react in certain situations.

But our natural tendency has been so ingrained in us, we don’t even know what it would look like to respond differently.

Well, it would look like peace.
Ease.
Calm.

Could you use a little more of that in your life?

If so, I want to share with you a few steps that can help you prevent those little annoyances from becoming a bigger deal and than they need to be.

And if we’re going to be honest here, there’s probably no relationship where those annoyances creep in more than a marriage.

Managing a life with another person, and choosing to love and accept them unconditionally when you see ALL of their flaws is no easy task.

But like everything in life, God has already given us a road map if we’d just follow the directions.

So, when you find yourself triggered in all the wrong ways, here’s what you can do:

1. Get it out. It’s sometimes helpful to just go off on a rant with what’s bothering you. This can include writing it down in a journal, taking it to God in prayer, or reaching out to a friend who always provides the right and helpful perspective. This is usually just the surface issue – what’s bothering you at the moment. It’s important that in your “venting” that you have the goal of getting to a better place about the situation, otherwise you run the danger of this process getting you more upset.

2. Seek clarity. Sometimes we get frustrated because we don’t have the full understanding of a situation. We don’t truly understand where the other person is coming from or what contributed to what’s happening. There are often different ways of seeing the same situation that could ease our mind as opposed to making us more miserable. I often ask God to show me what he wants me to see in these moments, even if it’s not something I really want to see. Be humble enough to admit that you don’t know everything, and that there are other ways of seeing and perceiving a certain issue.

3. Request a heart change. Because our goal is getting to a better place, and not allowing annoyances to turn into relational disasters, we’ve got to examine our own hearts and open ourselves up for a more tender, understanding, and compassionate version of ourselves. My prayer in these moments is that God would change my heart, that he would give me the desire to want to remain calm and peaceful and to be led by His love. I’ve come to realize my own ego, pride, and self-righteousness will always get in the way, and that I need some help to shift my emotional compass to what’s the highest good for everyone involved.

4. Look in the mirror. In every situation, we must get in the habit of examining ourselves and asking the question, “what could I have done differently to create a better situation?” And then follow that up with, “given the situation now, what can I do to course correct?” Sometimes you may have to sit with this for a while, but when you do, you empower yourself in more ways than you can imagine.

5. Choose Love and Gratitude. In every situation, I think we have the choice to choose love or to choose fear, judgment and criticism. What would it look like if you chose to think, and act out of a place of love? What could you actually be grateful for even in the moments where you are full of negative emotions? When we get frustrated, we forget the things that really matter in life. Even if things are going all the way wrong, there is still something good, there is still something positive you can set your mind on.

6. Repeat a saying, quote or scripture. It’s important that you direct your thinking during these moments of irritation. I have a few “go to” resources that instantly remind me of the right perspective I want to have. It’s like a healing ointment that you have to apply liberally. When you are hurt physically, you take pain medication. The same concept applies. In those times where you are very annoyed, you’ve been hurt emotionally and you also need something to take the sting away. Find an inspirational saying, quote or scripture that speaks to you at the deepest levels and reminds you that the frustration will pass, and that in the end you will be better for it.

Like I said, easier said than done.

If any of this feels like too much of a stretch for you , why not just pick one thing from the list above and focus on that.

Make it your new habit when life and the people you love hand you lemons. As the summer approaches, you definitely want to be enjoying more lemonade.

P.S. If you have been looking for some help in better dealing with the issues in your marriage right now, I would love to support you. 

Consider scheduling a complementary consultation with me to discuss what’s happening and to see if working directly with me might help you get unstuck.

Click here to schedule your call with me this week!

No one ever gets married to become miserable.

Yet, somehow over time, disappointments set in, hurt feelings begin to mount up, and conflict seems more the norm than the exception.

The days, weeks, and months spent with tension and being uncomfortable in each other’s presence feels unbearable at times.

Being married and miserable is absolutely one of the worst feelings in the world.

But what if it didn’t HAVE to be that way?

What if all the misery and suffering your experience didn’t HAVE to be your reality all the time?

What if there was a way of seeing and thinking about what’s happening in your marriage that gave you hope and faith that all was going to be okay, and more than that, YOU would be better on the other side of all of this?

What if you could actually believe that the issues and challenges in your marriage were here to push you to step into a version of yourself that literally astounds you?

I want you to consider for a moment, that could be the case.

It could be that this situation you’ve been dealing with is happening FOR you and for your good, as opposed to being something to bring you down.

I could be that you and your husband will actually have a stronger, better and more fulfilling relationship for having gone through this dark season.

And here’s what you also need to know:

You don’t have to stay miserable in the process. 

I know sometimes when things are not going well, it seems like the only two options you have are to separate or to just remain miserable forever.

But there are other (and better) options if you open yourself up to believing in them just as much as you believe in your misery.

And the key to ending this miserable cycle in your marriage starts with ending the miserable cycle in your mind.

In order for your experience to change, you first have to change your thoughts, beliefs, and the story you tell yourself about it all.

Then you must allow your actions to move you toward what you want to create instead.

Yesterday, I listened to a talk by Aya Eneli , and she said this:

Suffering is the story we layer on top of pain.

Mmmmm….
What did she really mean?

She meant that pain in a marriage is inevitable.

That your husband is going to do things that upset you, hurt your feelings, and cause you to be disappointed.

But what you do in those moments, and the amount of pain and suffering you experience has more to do with the story you MAKE UP AND CONTINUE TO TELL yourself about the situation.

We assign meaning to things in ways that often leave us feeling broken and miserable instead of feeling empowered and full of hope.

I work with women and couples to help them flip the switch.

I help them find the hope in a situation they’ve been telling themselves is hopeless.

I help them see the ways they are the solution they’ve been looking for in their marriage.

I help them uncover and then remove the limiting beliefs that are driving their unhealthy emotions and behaviors.

I help them actually take the right steps to positively influence the way their spouse responds to them.

Part of my process includes asking a specific set of questions that uncover the things that often, we are too blind to see.

I want to pose one of those questions to you right now:

What’s one positive thought you could tell yourself that makes you feel better and more hopeful about with the state of your marriage?

Pause.

Spend a minute coming up with an answer that you actually believe.

Write it down.

Read it.

Let it take root within your mind.

The truth is, we have these types of better and more helpful thoughts pass through our mind all the time.

And that’s the problem.

They become passing thoughts that we allow to come and go, while the other more detrimental ways of thinking become our norm.

But that’s where your power lies.

That’s where you can turn something that’s making you miserable into something you learn to master.

You have to master your thinking.

You have to turn off the old record that causes you to suffer and turn on a new one that causes you to soar.

If you COULDN’T come up with an answer…
If you couldn’t come up with a new thought to the question above, that’s a sign your way of thinking is clouding your judgment and you are likely in a state of rejecting all hope and any signs that things could get better.

It’s okay if that’s where you now, as long as you don’t allow yourself to stay there.

You have to train yourself to grab on to hope and to look for the signs that everything is going to be okay no matter what it looks like right now.

You have to get a vision, a picture, an image in your mind of where God is taking you and your marriage, and how ultimately the story ends well.

You have to turn the focus off of what’s going wrong, and focus on what could potentially go right.

If you DID come up with an answer…
If you could come up with an new thought to the question above, but quickly found a voice in your head rejecting it, or speaking doubt into your mind, it’s more important than ever that you get the right tools and strategies to empower the right voice to always win.

You’ve got to make this become your dominating thought, and then act on that new way of thinking.

You have to let this better way of thinking move you to do the things that will change the direction your marriage is heading.

This better belief will lead you toward the path of love.

It will melt the hurt, resentment, and pride so that your true spirit of love, kindness and compassion take over.

You will find it so much easier to reach out to your husband.

You will find yourself drawn to him and see all that makes him an amazing human being.

You will connect to his heart and soul in ways that you’ve been longing for.

You will inspire him to reach back out to you and show his love and affection in return.

Would you trade that for your misery right now ?

I’m pretty sure you said yes.

And sometimes, getting to the place you want to be means you need a helping hand to guide you to getting there.

I’d love to support you in getting to a better place in your marriage.

I’ve opened up my calendar to take on 3 new private clients who are committed to changing their mindset and to healing their marriage from the inside out.

Are you one of the 3?

If so, I invite you to start with my complimentary consultation call.

This 30 minute call will allow us to talk directly, and to determine if my approach and coaching services can help you better navigate the situation you are in right now.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE YOUR COMPLIMENTARY CALL

In the meantime, I encourage you to keep thinking about the question above.
Your misery and suffering right now is optional.

You can reframe what’s happening in a way that empowers you, even in an undesirable situation.

And it’s that new way of thinking that will move you to take the right steps that ultimately heal your marriage.

Why Not Wednesday

It’s Wednesday, let’s go!

WNW #94: Just ask. 

Often, when my daughter Madison is trying to do something, and it’s not working out, she starts to cry.

Her efforts to put the legos together, or get the doll to sit upright, or to get the stickers to actually stick is a source of frustration and disappointment when it’s not going the way she intended.

And she starts to wail.

Whenever she has these outbursts, I calmly say to her, “You don’t have to cry. Ask mommy for help. I will help you. Bring it to me.”

And when she does bring it to me, I easily fix whatever is going wrong.
It actually brings be pleasure to be able to solve her problems. To give her what she wants, and to see a smile come across her face when I do so. That precious voices saying “thank you mommy” melts my heart each and every time.

Yesterday, as I was crying in the bathroom (yes, this is what I do sometimes), praying for God to fix something for me, He reminded me of the very words I say to my own daughter. “You don’t have to cry Chavonne. Bring it to me. I’ll take care of it.”

And I stopped crying.
Immediately.

What I’m asking Him for is so easy for Him to deliver.

My problem is that my patience wanes and I being to try to make it happen on my own. But I realized that God moves faster when we get out of the way. And the way He works it out is SOOOO much better than anything we could have thought of.

So I’m getting out of the way, and I’m getting more into his presence.
There’s so much more ease and peace there.

What about you?

What do you need to bring to God today?
What have you been crying about that He’s now telling you to dry your eyes?

Take it to him. Leave it in His hands. And do nothing but watch him fix it.
Get out of the way, and get more into His presence.

Why not clear your mind of the hows, and get ready for God’s wows.*

Be still and get connected to the source of EVERYTHING you could ever need in your life.

Do you know HOW to do that?
Do you want to have an experience that allows you to do MORE of that?

I’ve got some ideas. Just hit reply and say “tell me more Chavonne” and you’ll hear all about a special opportunity I’ve created for you.

Until next time,

Chavonne

If you’re like most people, you started 2017 with hope and excitment for what this new year would bring. You want to start fresh, eyes big with total excitement and anticipation for the things ahead of you.

Because, let’s be honest, there are some things you experienced last year that you could not wait to leave behind.

Some disappointments in your marriage that still make you shake your head.

Some frustrations with your husband that can easily set you off again.

Maybe you find yourself still trying to swallow the bitter pill that 2016 slipped into your marriage. You’re trying to make sense of the things that went wrong and how you can quickly get them right again.

You’re tired of watching things unravel right before your eyes. Something once so perfect and intact, is now literally falling apart in your hands as you pull and pull hoping that not too much damage is done.

It’s a tough place to be.

But the great thing about a new year (or any new day, honestly) is that it represents a clean slate. The chance to create a new path, the opportunity to develop new habits and ways of being that make you proud of yourself and happier in your marriage.

And so here we are, already 3 months in, and what’s different for you?

Anything? Anything?

I think I hear crickets.

That’s because the key to really being able to experience all that 2017 wants to bring you is to let go of the things from the past that did not serve you or your marriage well.

The things that kept you having the same stupid arguments over and over again.

The ways you respond to certain situations that continue to leave you feeling resentful and bitter.

The habit of pointing the finger and blaming your husband for your problems instead of being willing to take a good look in the mirror at yourself.

As a relationship expert and marriage coach, I see so many women making a series of mistakes in their marriages that continue to leave them feeling upset and stuck in a state of constant unhappiness.

I wanted to share with you exactly what those top mistakes are. And if you find you are guilty, the great news is that you can put them down right now. You can leave them behind so that you have room to create new experiences that will leave you feeling happier in your marriage and experiencing the closeness and connection you really want with your husband.

But before you read on, I want you to make a commitment. I want you to make up in your mind right now that you will have a better marriage. In fact, I want you to take a minute right now to imagine what a day will look like for you when you and your husband are on better terms. When you feel really good about the place you are in, where you really enjoy each other’s company without fear of the next argument brewing. Where you no longer feel like roommates, but instead feel like soulmates. Put the picture in your mind of how you’ll interact with each other when you first wake up. How you’ll connect with each other throughout the day while you are both busy at work. Play out in your mind how you’ll be when you come together in the evening and how you’ll spend your time together once the kids are off to bed.

Hold that image in your mind.

Stay right there.

Keep holding it.

Let it imprint in your mind, almost as if you were taking a screenshot.

Got it?

OK, so the reason that day is so important, is because that’s your motivation. That’s what you’re going to have to remember when you want to pick the next fight, when you want to criticize him for something, when you feel like he’s not measuring up in the ways you imagined. That’s the image you will draw on when you are tempted to repeat the mistakes of this year that have lead you down the road to a marriage that’s not at all what you’d hoped it would be.

Now, below are the top 5 marriage mistakes you HAVE to stop making. The things you SHOULD have left behind a long time ago, but that you still struggle with.

The things that can no longer be acceptable to you.

The things you will no longer rationalize doing.

The things that just don’t fit with the person you are determined to be.

The things you just ain’t got no more time for!

Here we go…

#1. Putting the blame all on your husband.

Now, this is not to say he doesn’t have his faults. Everyone does. But how much time are you spending looking at HIS faults compared to working on your own? How often do you ask how you contribute to the situation you are in? Have you ever asked him what you can do to be a better spouse to him or are you mostly focused on the way he’s not meeting your needs?

What you have to realize is that BOTH of you created the mess you now find yourselves in. And while there are probably many things he could do to make things better, you have absolutely no control over that. To focus your attention there is not going to get you anything. You may be thinking that if he would just make one change, if he’d just start doing that one thing, that you’d ease up and be able to finally be happy. The truth is, it doesn’t work that way. And the proof is, it hasn’t worked that way. Blaming your husband for everything is the quickest way for you to remain unhappy. It leaves you completely powerless to achieve the happiness you want.

You are responsible for your own happiness and you achieve that when you choose to respond and react in ways that make you feel proud of who you are. When you look at the things you can do to make a situation work for you. When you blame him, he’s the only person who can fix it, and if he doesn’t, you’ll just stay stuck where you are. It’s not cute, and it’s not helpful to you. So stop it. Right. Now.

#2. Making excuses for why you are not doing what you need to do.

“If he’s not putting forth the effort, I’m not putting forth the effort.”

“I don’t have the energy to keep trying to make this work.”

“I’m so tired of telling him the things he should already know.”

“If he would just show me more love and attention, I’d stop getting so upset.”

“My emotions just get the best of me sometimes.”

Need I go on? Sound familiar enough to you?

Now whether this is your first time reading my posts, or if you’ve been reading them for a while, you already know what you need to do. You need to be more patient and understanding. You need to stop complaining so much. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt. You need to communicate in a kinder and more gentle tone. You need to act more like his wife than his mother. These things are not new to you. But somehow you find “reason after reason” for why the way you are being and the ways you respond are okay. I hate to tell you this, but every single one is an excuse. And excuses get you nowhere fast. Whenever they come up for you, write them down. Seriously, jot a quick note in your phone with the title: No More Excuses. After each one, I want you to write the word BUT and then complete the rest of the sentence. Here are some examples:

“I don’t have the energy to keep trying to make this work, BUT, I really want my marriage to be happy so I’ll find something I can do that seems manageable right now. 

My emotions just get the best of me sometimes, BUT I know when I over-react to situations, I feel really bad afterwards, so I’ll find some way to keep my cool.

Seriously, give this a try. It will change everything for you.

#3. Expecting your husband to read your mind.

Now, I know you are saying, “I don’t expect him to read my mind.”

But you do.

There are certain things you expect him to just know. Like when you need him to help out more. Or that he should be more romantic and show his love for you. Or when he should just agree with you instead of trying to offer his unsolicited advice. So many times, as women, we want our husbands to have the same level of forward thinking and sensitivity that we do. We want them to just know what we need. And then we get frustrated when they don’t get it, we don’t want to have to spell it out to them, or give them a script, or repeat ourselves for the 1,000th time. I know, you really feel like a broken record. But honestly, things get lost in translation, and if you think you are being clear, 9 times out of 10, it’s still not clear enough for him. And the quicker you can be okay with sounding like a broken record, the quicker you’ll actually get what you want from him.

I’d like for you to take a moment to think about how you feel when you are held accountable for things you were not even aware of. Maybe someone had an expectation of you that was never properly communicated. Then when you didn’t follow-through in the way they wanted, you got reprimanded. Or instead of letting you fix it, they just did all themselves. It makes you feel a little inadequate, like you’ll never be able to get it right for them. That’s not a good feeling. And in response, you want to protect yourself by either pointing the finger and blaming them, or you make the decision to not even try. No one likes to feel like they are not measuring up in some way. Especially when they didn’t even know what mark they were supposed to reach. Be clear. Be clearer. And clearer still. Clarity is one of those things you can never have too much of.

#4. Believing that once you “fix” your communication, your marriage problems will be solved.

Don’t get me wrong, the way you speak to each other, the words you use and the tone in which they are communicated has a big impact on the quality of your relationship. However, communication problems are really an sign of much bigger perception and connection problems. It’s more about how you see your husband – the thoughts you think about him, the baggage of past disappointments you still hold on to, the belief that he’s just not meeting your expectations – those are the things causing your communication to break down.

If you constantly think negatively about someone, you cannot exercise patience, understanding and kindness when you want to talk to them about something that’s bothering you. You are not open to finding compromises, you are not interested in really understanding their perspective, you’re not really motivated to listen because you feel like you have to fight your way to get your point across. The thoughts you think about your husband influence everything about the way you interact with him. You interpret his behavior in a certain way, you receive his comments in a certain way, and you expect your conversations to go a certain way. It’s not until you understand, dismantle and create new ways of thinking about him that you’ll actually see the improvements in your communication.

And a lack of connection creates a distance where getting on the same page is nearly impossible. When couples are disconnected and start to withdraw from each other, they quickly develop a greater focus on themselves and their own needs. The sense of a “we” is greatly diminished and so when you come to talk to each other, you have a one track mind on the things YOU need, the ways YOU want it to go and the information YOU need to get across. It’s natural to become selfish when you are not in sync with your husband, you feel like you are the only person who cares about your own interests and you have no choice but to protect your interests. But the truth of the matter is, one small step to connecting, one effort to reach out and connect with your husband will do more to solve your communication problems than “working on” listening to each other more.

#5.  Focusing on what’s going wrong.

When things are going downhill in your marriage, it’s so easy to accumulate more and more evidence that you’re headed in a bad direction. It’s like a big snowball that gains momentum and speed. With each passing day you notice more and more things that annoy you, more and more things that are not going the way you want, and you are quicker to get upset, quicker to complain or just shut down. The problems that once seems like little annoyances, are now a great big insurmountable block of ice standing in the way of your happiness.

The thing is, whatever you focus on grows. That if you pay attention to the things that are going wrong, you’ll only find more and more things going wrong. Your mind is very efficient and will set it’s sights on wherever you are directing it. If you harp on the things that disappoint you, the ways your husband is failing you, the times you are hurt and upset by something he did or said, then your mind searches your world, bringing more of those things into your consciousness.

On the other hand, when you consciously direct your thoughts to the things you can be grateful for, the small progress, or you let things go that really don’t matter, you send a signal to your brain to open your eye to see more of that. I’m sure you’ve had the experience where you may be thinking about purchasing something. Maybe a car. And all of a sudden, everywhere you turn, you see that thing all over the place. And if I were to ask you to show me all of the letter Ps in this blog, you would quickly scan and notice tons and tons of Ps all over the place, where before I introduced the task you didn’t pay attention to them at all. Go ahead, try it.

See, I told you!!

Now, I’d love for you to try it when you think about your husband. Think about something you would normally criticize him about. I’m sure that’s easy! Now, though, what I want you to do is to try to find 5 examples of times where the opposite is true. So for example, if you feel like he never really listens to you, think of 5 examples where he actually did listen and you know that he heard you. That’s just my example, you can come up with your own. And if you have a hard time doing so, then FOR SURE you need to practice and let go of the negative, like yesterday.

In conclusion…

So there you have it! My 5 top marriage mistakes that you have got to eliminate from your life. If you feel like you fall into any (or all) of these mistakes on a regular basis, I’m really glad this blog post found it’s way to you. The good news is you don’t have to keep making these mistakes. Another choice is always available to you. I know you’ve had some life experiences that have caused you to respond in certain ways. And you’ve probably been through a lot with your husband that’s turned you into a person that is not at all what you imagined when you first got married.

I believe that those experiences have come to show you something about yourself that you need to know. They offer the opportunity for you to grow and evolve into an even more amazing woman and wife. As a new year approaches, you can easily get caught up in the hype of new years resolutions and goal setting your way to a better life and marriage. Or you can really set your mind to make changes that actually stick. To take a deep dive into what’s truly getting in your way, and to find real solutions that can permanently remove those barriers so that you can enjoy your husband and have a marriage that truly lights you up inside.

If anything I’ve said struck a chord with you, let’s continue this conversation and get you on the path to a better marriage.

I want to share with you how to actually move yourself from making these mistakes to mastering your marriage. You can completely change the way you and your husband interact with each other. You can improve your marriage quickly and for the long-term.

It all boils down to your mindset.

There are certain ways of seeing and thinking about things that are keeping you stuck and unhappy. And once you make some critical shifts, you’ll experience a more connected, peaceful and fulfilling relationship with your husband.

Recently, I conducted a training on the 5 mindset shifts that will make the greatest impact on your marriage. I’d like to share the recording with you, so that you can have the tools to remove the biggest barriers to feeling close, connected and completely in love with your husband.

Just sign up using the button below and you’ll automatically receive this powerful workshop, “5 Mindset Shifts to a Happier Marriage: Removing the Barrier to Your Happily Ever After ” and see a noticeable difference in your marriage right away.

In addition I’ll share 2 other marriage strengthening resources only available to my email community. You’ll also learn how you can receive a complimentary coaching call with me. Together, we can speak over the phone and pinpoint exactly what’s happening in your marriage and the steps to be taken to get things back on track. This call is valued at $200, so don’t miss your chance to access the help and support you know you need.

To sign up and receive a ton of powerful resources to help your marriage, just click the button below:
Yes, I want more! Sign me up!

To an amazing marriage ahead,

Dr. Chavonne Perotte

Founder of RelateAble

Have you ever had the best intentions to get to something only to have it remain on your to-do list month after month?

You know it needs your attention, but you just can’t get yourself together to make it happen.

That thing, whatever it is, sort of looms there in the back of your mind, nagging you over and over again. It’s a persistent reminder that somehow has not yet made it’s way to becoming your top priority.

I wonder if one of those nagging things might be your marriage.

If you feel like things are just not as happy as you would like them to be, if you’re wanting a better relationship with your husband, then NOW is the time to get a handle on what’s going on.

Here are 3 reasons why:

#1. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to fix.

You already know this. Take any example from your own life of something that got worse over time. The 5 pounds that turned into 10 pounds, that turned in 20 pounds you want to lose. The mounting credit card bill to your favorite store which is now completely out of control. Your health. Your car repairs. All those things only get worse, more expensive, and require more of your time and effort as the days, weeks and months go by.

Your marriage is no different. Things are not going to get better until you take some action. Praying about it is great, and yes prayer works. But you also know that faith without works is dead. What are you doing while waiting on God to turn your situation around? In order to take the action that’s required, you’ve got to believe it’s worth doing something about it NOW. I want you to ask yourself, “What would life be like today if we had really resolved our marriage issues months ago? Or years ago?” Now consider where you actually are today – what has doing nothing or doing the things that don’t work cost you?

It’s time to let go of all the excuses and get to work. There are things within your control. There is something you can do, whether or not your husband is open to counseling or not. I work with many women whose husbands don’t want to speak to a counselor and we are still able to achieve significant results. Why can’t you be part of that group as well?

#2. There will never be the right time.

We often tell ourselves, “I’ll get to that later.” But later comes and later goes, and we’ve done nothing. There will never be the right time. You will never have enough time. There will always be something else that comes up to distract you from the things you really need to do. You’ll always find an excuse (disguised as a “reason”) for why you can’t do something. You’re money’s not “right.” Work is too crazy. School is too hectic. The kids need too much of your attention. The pressures and demands of live are constant. There are never enough hours in the day. You have to MAKE the time to do the things that are important to you.

Just think back to something you’ve been waiting to do until the “right” time. And ask yourself, did the right time ever really come? Or is the right time something you actually create in your mind. You’re the only judge of when it’s time for you to do something. My goal in sharing this point is to help you see the only right time is the time you have right. now.

3. Your husband may already have one foot out the door.

I cannot tell you how many women who say the same thing, “he just left.” And it’s a total shock to them. While we are careful to express our needs, our disappointments and complain about the things going wrong in a marriage, men are not so quick to do so. More often than not, he will keep his thoughts to himself, keep his feelings bottled up until he reaches a breaking point. And by that time his mind is made up and there’s little you can do to change it. More times than you would believe wives just like you are stunned to come home and find that he’s gone. OUT OF THE BLUE. They are left in shock and totally confused.

Now as you are reading this you may be thinking, “Oh I would be able to tell earlier,” or “that couldn’t really happen to me.” And I’ll tell you, they thought the SAME thing. There is a real chance that while you think things are bad in your marriage, your husband thinks things are even worse, and he’ll never tell you with his words. He’ll show you with his actions. And because as a woman you are in-tune with what he says you’ll miss all the signs from his behavior that he is checking out. Here are some tell-tale signs:

he finds fault with everything you do
he’s hesitant to make long-term plans
he’s cheated, and blames you for his indiscretion
he’s completely indifferent to your emotions
he refuses to discuss the problems happening in your marriage
you’re essentially living separate lives
he has no interest in having sex with you
he’s threatened to leave you

Now, of course, I cannot look into a crystal ball and say he’s going to leave you next week, but these are serious signs you need to spring into action NOW.

And hopefully you should know by now, my intention is never to scare you, but I do want to motivate you. Your marriage is too precious to just let fall apart. Too many people are depending on YOU to work it out.

And you can.

If you’ve never reached out for help. Reach out. NOW.
If you’ve gone to counseling before and it hasn’t worked out, find another counselor, therapist or coach. NOW.
If he’s not willing to get the help you need, get help for yourself. NOW.

And if you’ve ever wondered if I can help you, let’s find out. NOW. I offer one-on-one sessions (via phone or video) for married women and couples and would be more than happy to talk with you and see if my approach is what you need to finally turn your marriage around for good. JUST CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT MY SERVICES AND TO SCHEDULE A TIME TO TALK.

2017 will be here in just a couple of days. This time next year, what will you be able to say about the state of your marriage? I hope it’s something good.

To a better marriage ahead,

Dr. Chavonne Perotte

Relationship Expert, Marriage Coach & Founder of RelateAble

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to know.”

-Pema Chodron

A new year is approaching.
It will bring new opportunities.
New experiences.
New memories.
New goals and accomplishments.

Exciting, isn’t it?

There’s a sense of optimism and positivity that naturally comes along with a fresh start.

I’m sure you’re thinking of the things you want to be different, the changes you want to see take place in your life, how you’ll be better as a wife and mother.

And at the same time, if 2016 has been any indication, you also know a new year will bring some new lessons that can only be learned through mistakes, disappointments and challenges.

You know that as this year comes to a close there are some things that feel unfinished, some doors that have not been closed and some issues that have not been resolved.

If you’re not closing out the year in an ideal place in your marriage I encourage you to look for the lessons you needed to learn but somehow have not yet mastered.

Now is the time to reflect and pay attention to the patterns of thoughts, the ways of being, habits of responding and the cycles of interaction that have gotten you to the place you are right now. And if it’s not where you want to be, you’ve got to be intentional, deliberate and committed to doing things differently.

And here are 5 lessons you must learn and apply on a consistent level to finally turn things around for good.

Lesson #1. Your husband is not responsible for how you feel.

That’s your job. He’s only responsible for the actions he takes and the interpretations he makes. You may have been thinking that he makes you feel a certain way, but you choose how you respond to him. You decide how you feel based on how you think.

You can choose to interpret a situation anyway you like. If you want to feel and experience more joy and love, then make up your mind to do so. Search for the opportunities to bring more of that into your life. Tap into the power of God that’s already within you to create the emotions that lift you up instead of bringing you down. How you feel is YOUR responsibility. All day, every day.

Lesson #2. Your husband cannot read your mind.

As much as you want him to anticipate your needs, he’s just not able to do that to the degree that you expect. It helps no one for you to continue to be frustrated over having to ask him to do something. If you really want it to happen, get in the habit of asking. Be specific and to the point. You have to get over the belief that you shouldn’t have to ask him to do certain things. He’s shown you time and time again that you DO.

What you need to see is that you’re letting your frustration get in the way to the point where your attitude is not the best and your tone has an edge to it that makes him want to tune you out and disregard what you’re asking him to do. You must stay focused on the results you want and 9 times out of 10 that means getting your expectations and requests out of your own head and in to his.

Lesson #3. The way you’ve been going about things is not working.

By nature we are creatures of habit. We are also a little bit insane, meaning we respond the same way to certain things all the time but expect different results. You criticize and complain hoping he’ll change, but it just shuts him down. You focus on everything that’s going wrong, yet somehow you expect them to get better.

You must be intentional about doing different things to get different results. Say it a different way, respond a different way, choose a different way to think about it. THESE are the actions that will bring you something different in your marriage. Commit yourself to breaking your bad habits and to learning new ones that serve you and your marriage instead of serving your ego and need to be right.

Lesson #4. The biggest problem in your marriage is NOT communication.

Are there different ways you can speak to each other? Yes. Are there skills you both can learn to get your point across better? Of course. Can you both improve your ability to actively listen to each other? Without a doubt.  But as a relationship expert, I know that communication problems are a symptom and signal that there are perception and connection issues more damaging to the relationship. What you say and how you say it is a function of how you are thinking, the beliefs you hold, the assumptions you make and the way you feel about the person you’re communicating with.

It’s highly likely that you and your husband have had the same communication tendencies since the day you met. It’s not until you feel your deeper needs are not being met, you feel disconnected or you see him as a total disappointment that the intent behind your comments change. You communicate in ways that MAKE him listen, that MAKE him understand your perspective that MAKE him change. And at the end of the day all you’ve done is MAKE him shut down and MAKE yourself more annoyed and frustrated.

Lesson #5. There is always a different way to see things.

A variety of ways to interpret the same situation. Lots of times our mind has been conditioned to look for the worst. To look for the ways our husbands will leave us disappointed.  To keep score of all he’s doing wrong. To play out scenes over and over again that just make us feel bad. We think of past disappointments and constantly bring them to the present moment.
But at any moment there is always another choice to be made. An opportunity to think positively. To choose gratitude over a complaint. To expect the best and offer understanding if he falls short.

What we experience is a function of our perception. Once you learn this lesson and see that things are not as black and white as you’ve chosen to view them, a whole new world is available to you.

Now for sure I could go on and on with other lessons that your marriage is trying to teach you. But these 5 are some of the most critical.

If you found yourself reading this and KNOW that you really have not fully applied these realities to your own marriage, I encourage you to join my email list to receive additional tips and strategies for how to do so.

As a new subscriber you will automatically receive one of my most popular resources, “10 Keys to a Relationship You Love” which provides step-by-step guidance for turning things around in your marriage. Plus you’ll learn how you can receive a complimentary coaching call with me! Together, we can speak over the phone to pinpoint exactly what’s happening in your marriage and the steps to be taken to get things back on track. This call is valued at $150, so don’t miss your chance to access the help and support you know you need.

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Around this time of year, when you’re not busy trying to find that “must have” Christmas item, you may find yourself being reflective about all that 2016 has brought you. And while there have definitely been some great moments and things that have brought you joy, you find yourself thinking more and more about the things that have just not worked out the way you imagined and how you want 2017 to be different.

You may have reached the point where you are truly tired of feeling down and really want to be happier and more fulfilled.

Because, right now, you’re not yourself.

You’re turning into a person who’s lost some of the joy that once came so easily.

On the outside, you’re still holding it together. You’re still supermom getting a million and one things done each day.

But on the inside, it feels like a war is still going on. A war of wills.

You want to be happier, more positive, more loving toward your husband, but your mind is filled with everything that’s going wrong, how the stress keeps mounting and mounting, and how you really feel like you’re at the end of your rope.

Your marriage is veering further and further off course and the things you’ve tried so far just have not helped you turn things in a more positive direction on a consistent basis.

I understand your struggle more than you even know.

And what I want to suggest is that you take a step back and look at things from a different angle. When I’m working with women who are in this place, so often it’s clear to me what’s really happening. But for her, the woman who is so very similar to you, there is a blind spot that just won’t allow either of you to see fully what’s been happening. There’s a smudge on that mirror, such that when you take a look at yourself, you can’t see things clearly. You can’t see how in so many ways you’re standing in your own way.

I want to offer some clarity. I want to offer you some powerful truths that once you can admit them to yourself, you’ll create the opening you need toward the path to a fulfilled life. The path to a happier and more loving marriage. The path to a better version of you.

Ready for an honest dose of reality?

Then keep reading.

3 Powerful Truths to Finally Admit to Yourself…and to Getting the Marriage Breakthrough You Need

Truth #1: You Want to be Right More than You Want to be Happy

Wanting to be right is an incredible motivator. In your mind, it’s so important that your husband understand your needs, your perspective, your opinion. You want to feel understood, you want to feel supported, and underneath that, more than anything, you just really want to feel “right”. You want validation that the way you see things, the emotions you feel and the reactions you have are what anyone would see, feel and do in similar situations. If it makes sense to you, then on some level, it must at least make sense to him, even if he doesn’t totally agree.

For example, when your husband does something wrong, of course you’re going to feel upset, frustrated or annoyed. And he should acknowledge his mistake, apologize, and/or do something to make it up to you. Of course, when he doesn’t listen to you or show you the attention you desire, you’re going to feel unimportant to him, and as a result, he needs to know that so he can make the proper adjustments to show that you do matter to him.

All of these are tell-tale signs of wanting to be right more than you want to be happy.

Stay with me here. I’ll explain.

As women, we think that the happiness we’re looking for will come through our husband’s acknowledgement that in some way we are right. Point blank, he should do all the things we’ve told ourselves he should be doing in order to make us happy. This means that we will be happy when and only when, he really understands us, he responds to our needs, he sees our point of view, and he shows us the love we want in just the way we want it.

But the truth of the matter is this:

Happiness is available to you at any time you decide to choose it over being right.

You’ll find happiness the moment you decide that you’ll be ok if your husband never lives up to the expectations you’ve created in your own mind for how he should think, act, and feel towards you.

You’ll experience happiness the moment you decide that meeting your needs is your responsibility and that you must work on fixing your broken parts before looking to him to fill those voids.

You’ll create happiness the moment you decide to give up the story you’ve created in your mind for how things should be and choose instead to be present and appreciate all that’s right about what is.

Let go of being right and trade it for being happy. You’ll actually end up winning every. single. time.

Truth #2: You Don’t Want to Change and Do Things Differently

Change is hard. We get so comfortable doing things a certain way. We get addicted to familiarity. We get caught up in our habits, responding the same way day in and day out. We box ourselves in saying, “I’ve always been that way” or “I’m not going to change” or “I’m the type of person who _________” fill in the blank with any number of things you continue to tell yourself.

It’s insanity really. Thinking that you’ll see changes in your marriage without having to change much about yourself.

Yet, we do it all day, every day.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ll try to be more patient, you’ll try to listen more and complain less, you’ll try to give him the benefit of the doubt from time to time.

But that’s about it.

You’re not really willing to change your entire mindset and approach to your marriage. You’re not really willing to do the hard work of challenging every negative belief that consumes your mind about your husband. You’re not really willing to love and accept him unconditionally as he is right now. You’re not really willing to face the reality of how your thoughts and actions have actually created many of the very things you don’t want.

When it really comes down to it, you don’t want to change.

You’re fine soaking up every marriage tip and piece of advice you can get your hands on, but not fully applying them to your life.

You’re content agreeing with all the strategies and techniques I promote, but never take the opportunity to get the help and motivation you need to be the real change agent in your home.

You’re ok with responding and reacting the way you always do, even when you know exactly how it contributes to the deterioration of your marriage.

You’re satisfied with all of that because somewhere along the lines you gave yourself permission to stay stuck. You mounted up every imaginable excuse that would prevent you from doing the hard work of rebuilding yourself and restoring your marriage. You gave yourself a passing grade, while continuing to fail your husband.

You don’t want to change.

And the moment you stop pretending that you do, is the moment you’re on your way to a breakthrough. It’s the very second that the windows of heaven open up to give you the strength and courage to finally do what you’ve needed to do for so long.

Get help.

It takes the power of God and the will of your mind to transform yourself and your marriage to what you know deep inside it should be.

Truth #3: It’s Not a Real Priority to You

The other day my marriage coach asked me to list out my priorities in order of importance. (Yes, I do actually have my own marriage coach). Now there are lots of ways to answer this question. One could list the things that theoretically, are important. You know, those things that are really on your heart to make a priority. The things that really should be a priority, and the things you have every intention of dedicating the appropriate time to.

But for me, I looked at this question very objectively. No matter how much I want things to be a priority, and no matter how important I want to tell myself they are, there is one clear and definitive marker for what’s truly a priority to me.

How I actually spend my time.

I had to just ask myself, in a given day, what gets the most of my energy and effort? Where do I spend the most minutes and hours of the day?

And like always, I approached her question with full transparency. Here was my list in order: my children, my business, myself, my husband and my extended family.

As I listened to myself be totally honest in responding to her question, I saw immediately how my priorities were creating the results I was seeing in my life. They were completely out of order. And I was feeling it.

I’m an action taker, so literally within hours, I mapped out a plan to shift how I spend my time and where my energy is focused. I put God back on top and I moved my husband way up the list. And the shift I’ve been looking for is definitely occurring.

What about you?

How would you respond to the same question if you were being completely honest?

From the minute you wake up until the moment you go to sleep, what gets the most of your time, attention and focus?

And if it’s out of order, are you truly willing to shift those priorities? (Within reason of course! I’m not suggesting you quit your job to cater to your husband!)

I’ll be the first to tell you that putting your marriage and husband as a top priority is no easy feat.

It means saying no to a lot of things that you’d probably rather do.

Like watch TV.

Scroll through your Facebook newsfeed.

Sit on the phone with your friend trading the latest gossip.

It means saying later to a lot of things you feel like you must do.

Like respond to that email or text message right away.

Or putting in that extra hour at work.

Or any of the million and one things you’ve told yourself you must do for your children.

And it also means saying yes to things that have been hard for you to do.

Like finding a reliable baby-sitter or family member to watch the kids so you can go out alone.

Offering your full attention when you feel like you’re already behind on your to-do list.

Saying no to any non-essential obligation that would take your time away from him.

Those are the shifts I’m talking about in order to put your husband and marriage back on top.

You see, this is the thing about priorities – the more you have, the less you have. Because you can’t really dedicate the necessary time of any one of them. And no matter how much you would like to say that your marriage is a priority, if your time doesn’t reflect that, it’s not.

Setting your priorities gives you clear rules for how to make decisions. The priority gets your time, attention and effort. Period. If it’s not serving your marriage, it’s taking away from your marriage. Simple as that.

Here are three questions to help you uncover how much of a priority your marriage actually is:

How often am I thinking about, learning about or doing things that positively contribute to the relationship with my husband?

How often am I willing to completely disrupt my own schedule and put aside my own priorities to focus in on nurturing my marriage?

How often am I making decisions about how I spend my time that reflect the things that are really important and matter to me?

If you are courageous enough to admit that your marriage has not really been at the top of the list, then you will instantly see what has been getting in the way of the relationship you’d like to have with your husband.

Now, there is no condemnation here. I want you to feel empowered to DO something about it. Cut something out, today, right now. And exchange it with some activity that will enable you to better take care of and commit fully to your marriage.

So there you have it, my 3 Most Powerful Truths.

I know it’s no fun to be confronted with these realities. And maybe your natural tendency is to look at yourself and now feel really bad about what’s been happening.

But listen, my intention is not for you to walk away from reading this feeling like you’re a horrible wife. On the contrary, I want you walking away feeling empowered and motivated to do things differently.

To consciously choose happiness by directing your thoughts on the right things so you can look at your marriage with hope and an excited expectation for how it’s going to be better.

To be courageous enough to actually address the areas deep within yourself that need your care and attention so you can feel whole and proud of the way you handle any situation.

To make the time in your busy schedule to connect with your husband so you can finally feel the closeness and intimacy you’ve been missing.

You have to be intentional about all of these things, otherwise they just will not happen.

And sometimes being intentional means you get some help, support and accountability along the way.

If you’ve connected with what I’ve said here, if you read any part and thought, “man, she is so right” I’d love to continue the conversation we’ve started today. I want to invite you to join my email community of over 2,000 women who are committed to make their marriage the best it can be.

As a new email subscriber, you’ll automatically receive one of my most popular resources, “10 Keys to a Relationship You Love” AND 2 other welcome gifts. PLUS, you’ll learn how you can receive a complimentary coaching call with me. Together, we can speak over the phone and pinpoint exactly what’s happening in your marriage and the steps to be taken to get things back on track. This call is valued at $150, so don’t miss your chance to access the help and support you know you need.

To sign up and receive a ton of powerful resources to help your marriage, just click the button below:

Yes, I want more! Sign me up!

If you’re like most people, you are in a mode of looking ahead for what you hope 2017 will bring. You want to start fresh, eyes big with total excitement and anticipation for the things ahead of you.

Because, let’s be honest, there are some things you experienced this year that you can’t wait to leave behind.

Some disappointments in your marriage that still make you shake your head.

Some frustrations with your husband that can easily set you off again.

Maybe you find yourself still trying to swallow the bitter pill that 2016 slipped into your marriage. You’re trying to make sense of the things that went wrong and how you can quickly get them right again.

You’re tired of watching things unravel right before your eyes. Something once so perfect and intact, is now literally falling apart in your hands as you pull and pull hoping that not too much damage is done.

It’s a tough place to be.

But the great thing about a new year (or any new day, honestly) is that it represents a clean slate. The chance to create a new path, the opportunity to develop new habits and ways of being that make you proud of yourself and happier in your marriage.

The key, however, in really being able to experience all that 2017 wants to bring you is to let go of the things from this year that did not serve you or your marriage well.

The things that kept you having the same stupid arguments over and over again.

The ways you respond to certain situations that continue to leave you feeling resentful and bitter.

The habit of pointing the finger and blaming your husband for your problems instead of being willing to take a good look in the mirror at yourself.

As a relationship expert and marriage coach, I see so many women making a series of mistakes in their marriages that continue to leave them feeling upset and stuck in a state of constant unhappiness.

I wanted to share with you exactly what those top mistakes are. And if you find you are guilty, the great news is that you can put them down right now. You can leave them behind so that you have room to create new experiences that will leave you feeling happier in your marriage and experiencing the closeness and connection you really want with your husband.

But before you read on, I want you to make a commitment. I want you to make up in your mind right now that you will have a better marriage in 2017. In fact, I want you to take a minute right now to imagine what a day will look like for you when you and your husband are on better terms. When you feel really good about the place you are in, where you really enjoy each other’s company without fear of the next argument brewing. Where you no longer feel like roommates, but instead feel like soulmates. Put the picture in your mind of how you’ll interact with each other when you first wake up. How you’ll connect with each other throughout the day while you are both busy at work. Play out in your mind how you’ll be when you come together in the evening and how you’ll spend your time together once the kids are off to bed.

Hold that image in your mind.

Stay right there.

Keep holding it.

Let it imprint in your mind, almost as if you were taking a screenshot.

Got it?

OK, so the reason that day is so important, is because that’s your motivation. That’s what you’re going to have to remember when you want to pick the next fight, when you want to criticize him for something, when you feel like he’s not measuring up in the ways you imagined. That’s the image you will draw on when you are tempted to repeat the mistakes of this year that have lead you down the road to a marriage that’s not at all what you’d hoped it would be.

Now, below are the top 5 marriage mistakes you HAVE to stop making.

The things that can no longer be acceptable to you.

The things you will no longer rationalize doing.

The things that just don’t fit with the person you are determined to be.

The things you just ain’t got no more time for!

Here we go…

#1. Putting the blame all on your husband.

Now, this is not to say he doesn’t have his faults. Everyone does. But how much time are you spending looking at HIS faults compared to working on your own? How often do you ask how you contribute to the situation you are in? Have you ever asked him what you can do to be a better spouse to him or are you mostly focused on the way he’s not meeting your needs?

What you have to realize is that BOTH of you created the mess you now find yourselves in. And while there are probably many things he could do to make things better, you have absolutely no control over that. To focus your attention there is not going to get you anything. You may be thinking that if he would just make one change, if he’d just start doing that one thing, that you’d ease up and be able to finally be happy. The truth is, it doesn’t work that way. And the proof is, it hasn’t worked that way. Blaming your husband for everything is the quickest way for you to remain unhappy. It leaves you completely powerless to achieve the happiness you want.

You are responsible for your own happiness and you achieve that when you choose to respond and react in ways that make you feel proud of who you are. When you look at the things you can do to make a situation work for you. When you blame him, he’s the only person who can fix it, and if he doesn’t, you’ll just stay stuck where you are. It’s not cute, and it’s not helpful to you. So stop it. Right. Now.

#2. Making excuses for why you are not doing what you need to do.

“If he’s not putting forth the effort, I’m not putting forth the effort.”

“I don’t have the energy to keep trying to make this work.”

“I’m so tired of telling him the things he should already know.”

“If he would just show me more love and attention, I’d stop getting so upset.”

“My emotions just get the best of me sometimes.”

Need I go on? Sound familiar enough to you?

Now whether this is your first time reading my posts, or if you’ve been reading them for a while, you already know what you need to do. You need to be more patient and understanding. You need to stop complaining so much. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt. You need to communicate in a kinder and more gentle tone. You need to act more like his wife than his mother. These things are not new to you. But somehow you find “reason after reason” for why the way you are being and the ways you respond are okay. I hate to tell you this, but every single one is an excuse. And excuses get you nowhere fast. Whenever they come up for you, write them down. Seriously, jot a quick note in your phone with the title: No More Excuses. After each one, I want you to write the word BUT and then complete the rest of the sentence. Here are some examples:

“I don’t have the energy to keep trying to make this work, BUT, I really want my marriage to be happy so I’ll find something I can do that seems manageable right now. 

My emotions just get the best of me sometimes, BUT I know when I over-react to situations, I feel really bad afterwards, so I’ll find some way to keep my cool.

Seriously, give this a try. It will change everything for you.

#3. Expecting your husband to read your mind.

Now, I know you are saying, “I don’t expect him to read my mind.”

But you do.

There are certain things you expect him to just know. Like when you need him to help out more. Or that he should be more romantic and show his love for you. Or when he should just agree with you instead of trying to offer his unsolicited advice. So many times, as women, we want our husbands to have the same level of forward thinking and sensitivity that we do. We want them to just know what we need. And then we get frustrated when they don’t get it, we don’t want to have to spell it out to them, or give them a script, or repeat ourselves for the 1,000th time. I know, you really feel like a broken record. But honestly, things get lost in translation, and if you think you are being clear, 9 times out of 10, it’s still not clear enough for him. And the quicker you can be okay with sounding like a broken record, the quicker you’ll actually get what you want from him.

I’d like for you to take a moment to think about how you feel when you are held accountable for things you were not even aware of. Maybe someone had an expectation of you that was never properly communicated. Then when you didn’t follow-through in the way they wanted, you got reprimanded. Or instead of letting you fix it, they just did all themselves. It makes you feel a little inadequate, like you’ll never be able to get it right for them. That’s not a good feeling. And in response, you want to protect yourself by either pointing the finger and blaming them, or you make the decision to not even try. No one likes to feel like they are not measuring up in some way. Especially when they didn’t even know what mark they were supposed to reach. Be clear. Be clearer. And clearer still. Clarity is one of those things you can never have too much of.

#4. Believing that once you “fix” your communication, your marriage problems will be solved.

Don’t get me wrong, the way you speak to each other, the words you use and the tone in which they are communicated has a big impact on the quality of your relationship. However, communication problems are really an sign of much bigger perception and connection problems. It’s more about how you see your husband – the thoughts you think about him, the baggage of past disappointments you still hold on to, the belief that he’s just not meeting your expectations – those are the things causing your communication to break down.

If you constantly think negatively about someone, you cannot exercise patience, understanding and kindness when you want to talk to them about something that’s bothering you. You are not open to finding compromises, you are not interested in really understanding their perspective, you’re not really motivated to listen because you feel like you have to fight your way to get your point across. The thoughts you think about your husband influence everything about the way you interact with him. You interpret his behavior in a certain way, you receive his comments in a certain way, and you expect your conversations to go a certain way. It’s not until you understand, dismantle and create new ways of thinking about him that you’ll actually see the improvements in your communication.

And a lack of connection creates a distance where getting on the same page is nearly impossible. When couples are disconnected and start to withdraw from each other, they quickly develop a greater focus on themselves and their own needs. The sense of a “we” is greatly diminished and so when you come to talk to each other, you have a one track mind on the things YOU need, the ways YOU want it to go and the information YOU need to get across. It’s natural to become selfish when you are not in sync with your husband, you feel like you are the only person who cares about your own interests and you have no choice but to protect your interests. But the truth of the matter is, one small step to connecting, one effort to reach out and connect with your husband will do more to solve your communication problems than “working on” listening to each other more.

#5.  Focusing on what’s going wrong.

When things are going downhill in your marriage, it’s so easy to accumulate more and more evidence that you’re headed in a bad direction. It’s like a big snowball that gains momentum and speed. With each passing day you notice more and more things that annoy you, more and more things that are not going the way you want, and you are quicker to get upset, quicker to complain or just shut down. The problems that once seems like little annoyances, are now a great big insurmountable block of ice standing in the way of your happiness.

The thing is, whatever you focus on grows. That if you pay attention to the things that are going wrong, you’ll only find more and more things going wrong. Your mind is very efficient and will set it’s sights on wherever you are directing it. If you harp on the things that disappoint you, the ways your husband is failing you, the times you are hurt and upset by something he did or said, then your mind searches your world, bringing more of those things into your consciousness.

On the other hand, when you consciously direct your thoughts to the things you can be grateful for, the small progress, or you let things go that really don’t matter, you send a signal to your brain to open your eye to see more of that. I’m sure you’ve had the experience where you may be thinking about purchasing something. Maybe a car. And all of a sudden, everywhere you turn, you see that thing all over the place. And if I were to ask you to show me all of the letter Ps in this blog, you would quickly scan and notice tons and tons of Ps all over the place, where before I introduced the task you didn’t pay attention to them at all. Go ahead, try it.

See, I told you!!

Now, I’d love for you to try it when you think about your husband. Think about something you would normally criticize him about. I’m sure that’s easy! Now, though, what I want you to do is to try to find 5 examples of times where the opposite is true. So for example, if you feel like he never really listens to you, think of 5 examples where he actually did listen and you know that he heard you. That’s just my example, you can come up with your own. And if you have a hard time doing so, then FOR SURE you need to practice and let go of the negative, like yesterday.

In conclusion…

So there you have it! My 5 top marriage mistakes that have no place in 2017. If you feel like you fall into any (or all) of these mistakes on a regular basis, I’m really glad this blog post found it’s way to you. The good news is you don’t have to keep making these mistakes. Another choice is always available to you. I know you’ve had some life experiences that have caused you to respond in certain ways. And you’ve probably been through a lot with your husband that’s turned you into a person that is not at all what you imagined when you first got married.

I believe that those experiences have come to show you something about yourself that you need to know. They offer the opportunity for you to grow and evolve into an even more amazing woman and wife. As a new year approaches, you can easily get caught up in the hype of new years resolutions and goal setting your way to a better life and marriage. Or you can really set your mind to make changes that actually stick. To take a deep dive into what’s truly getting in your way, and to find real solutions that can permanently remove those barriers so that you can enjoy your husband and have a marriage that truly lights you up inside.

If anything I’ve said struck a chord with you, let’s continue this conversation and get you on the path to a better marriage.

I want to invite you to join my email community of over 2,000 women who are committed to make their marriage the best it can be.

As a new email subscriber, you’ll automatically receive one of my most popular resources, “10 Keys to a Relationship You Love” AND 2 other welcome gifts. PLUS, you’ll learn how you can receive a complimentary coaching call with me. Together, we can speak over the phone and pinpoint exactly what’s happening in your marriage and the steps to be taken to get things back on track. This call is valued at $150, so don’t miss your chance to access the help and support you know you need.

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To an amazing year ahead,

Dr. Chavonne Perotte

Founder of RelateAble

The question, is this really who you want to be, is incredibly powerful.

It implies that we have a choice in who we are.

Now of course, this makes sense on the surface.

We choose what job or career we’ll have.

We choose to become a wife.

We choose to become a mother.

We choose our friends, where we go and how we spend our time.

But in this context, the question is much deeper.

Angry. Resentful. Frustrated. Impatient. Judgmental. Unkind. Revengeful.

Is this really who you want to be?

So many times, we believe that our circumstances and what other people do cause us to be this way.

That’s just how we are. What other way is there to react to certain situations? We’ve always been that way. It’s too late to change.

Our husband is unloving, doesn’t show enough affection and doesn’t appreciate all that we do.

He doesn’t consider our feelings, doesn’t help out enough, doesn’t put forth an effort, and is just not fun to be around.

The romance is gone, we argue all the time, and it feels like we’re roommates living in the same house.

This is not what we signed up for.

So in response, we criticize, complain, point the finger, withdraw, and sometimes, consider our exit strategy.

We become this woman who’s on edge, waiting for him to make us upset, focusing on all his faults, consumed by all that’s going wrong.

But is this really who you want to be?

I’m going to guess the answer is no.

That really, you want to be someone who is happy, giving, loving, patient, kind, compassionate, and forgiving.

You want to feel loved, appreciated, understood, respected, and cherished. You want to feel important, and know that you matter.

You want to enjoy your life and your marriage. You want to feel like a wife who is adored by her husband. You want to be grateful for all that you have and excited about what’s in your future.

I have good news for you.

You can choose to be whoever you want at any point any time.

No matter what someone else is doing or not doing.

No matter how much you want to respond differently or have responded differently in the past.

You are 100% in control of how you respond to anything happening in your life.

Your emotions and feelings are not determined by other people. They are determined by you and you only.

Here are 3 really quick ways to choose who you really want to be.

#1. Pick 1-3 words or phrases that describe who you want to be. Write them down. Affirm that you are that person daily.

#2. In all situations and circumstances, remember you can choose to be those things. At any moment you choose.

#3. When you feel yourself getting upset or having some other negative emotion, ask yourself, who do I want to be in this moment? Is this really how I want to feel?

If it’s not, change it.

The choice is always yours.

Being who you really want to be always starts in your mind. Being a wife who is adored and cherished by her husband is up to you. If you’re not experiencing that in your marriage there’s 1 main reason why. There’s a piece to all this that you’ve been missing. As a respected marriage coach, I’ve helped hundreds of women understand what that is and take the necessary steps to change it. And I’d love to share that same information with you.

I recently created a video that reveals the #1 Reason You are Not Getting the Love and Affection You Crave from Your Husband. You can get it absolutely FREE.

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Specifically, in this video you will:

*Discover the #1 thing that’s been preventing you from having the happy marriage that makes you feel loved, cherished and adored by your husband

*Understand the top mistake you’ve been unknowingly making and why all your previous efforts to get him to change have failed, leaving you even more frustrated

*Learn the most important rule every married woman must follow in order to unlock an outpouring of love and affection from their husband

*Uncover the single most important mindset shift that will instantly make you happier and more like a magnet drawing him closer and more in love with you than before

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And if being a Happily Married Woman is one of the things you want, I’ve got the perfect thing for you. I have a private Facebook group that’s all about providing encouragement, motivation and support to create happier, more loving marriages. Whether you are happily married right now, or hope to one day reclaim your happy status, you will love being a part of this group. It’s literally THE BEST marriage group on Facebook. All positive, practical and good advice that you can use right away. Check us out! I along with over 1,200 other women are waiting to welcome you! Find us here:

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Let me paint the picture.

Your communication is awful. Either every little thing turns into an argument, or you just don’t talk at all.

You feel like everything else is a priority before you. You are so starved for attention and nothing you try seems to work. In fact, it seems like he’s pulling back from you.

You feel completely disconnected. You might as well just be roommates living in the same house. You don’t spend time together, and sometimes go out of your way to avoid each other.

Your sex life is non-existent. You are too tired, too stressed, and just plain not in the mood.

You are so unhappy you can hardly imagine what it would feel like to actually get along. You can’t even remember the last time you actually laughed together or just had a fun time with each other.

You’ve let things get to the point where something has got to change (like NOW), but you are not quite sure what to do. You’ve tried to everything you can think of, but somehow nothing has made a difference.

You’ve talked about counseling, but no one has actually made an effort to look into it. You need some help, but he’s only pointing the finger at you, and it takes two to make things better.

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

These are all the classic signs of a marriage falling apart. A dangerous place where if things don’t turn around, you could get stuck in a state of being completely miserable, or worse. You could be headed for divorce.

Listen, every marriage goes through their troubles. But the ones that make it are doing something you may just not be aware of.

It goes beyond talking about your issues and making a plan to do things differently.

It’s more than working on your communication skills and learning to listen to each other.

It’s much deeper than talking about your expectations and trying to meet each other’s needs.

The key to truly turning your marriage around is learning how to have a marriage mindset.

And once you can do that, you’ll experience your marriage in an entirely different way. 

OK, so you are probably asking, what is a marriage mindset and why have I not heard about this before?

You wouldn’t have heard about it before, and that’s really not your fault. If everyone knew this, the divorce rate would be A LOT lower!

Unfortunately, we are not really taught the habits and ways of thinking and being that lead us to unknowingly create unhappy marriages.

So, you respond in the ways that make sense to you and seem to protect your heart.

Because that’s all you know to do.

If he’s not paying enough attention to you, your feelings get hurt. And then you pull away from him and keep more to yourself.

If you feel like everything you say will lead to an argument, you stop talking about important things and eventually stop talking at all.

If he constantly disappoints you with his behavior and attitude, you stop caring and give up hope that he’ll become the husband you want.

There are a set of predictable patterns of behavior and ways of thinking that lead you day by day, decision, by decision closer to divorce or a life together that is truly miserable.

On the other hand, a marriage mindset is set of principles and agreements you make with yourself that enable you to transform how you and your husband think, act and respond to each other. Here are six of the essential ingredients:

#1. It involves first recognizing the patterns of behavior that lead you to no longer enjoy being together so you can change them. You have to be able to see what’s going on and going wrong in how you are responding to each other. What have become your regular habits are not working and you can’t change them until you see them clearly in a variety of situations.

#2. It includes discovering how the thoughts and beliefs you have literally create the exact thing that you want to avoid. Whatever you think about grows and everything that happens in your relationship is filtered through the thoughts you have about each other. If you constantly find yourself thinking the worst about your husband, you get used to it, and it becomes the new normal for your life.

#3. It’s learning how to motivate and inspire the behaviors you want to see in your husband instead of trying to convince and complain your way to those changes. What you’ve been trying has not worked, and instead there are ways to provide your husband with the positive motivation so that he wants to change instead of feeling like he’s just meeting your demands.

#4. It’s figuring out how to step outside of yourself and see things from a new angle so you can finally get off the crazy cycle that has lead to the place where you are now. There are different ways to being and interacting that you may have thought of, but just don’t have the tools to actually put into practice.

#5. It’s identifying and focusing on the things you can control within your relationship so that you can manage your emotions in ways that make you feel good. You want to put your energy towards the things that actually matter and that you can actually influence so you stop feeling so frustrated when you can’t make progress.

#6. It requires you begin to concentrate on the things that are going right so you can learn how to create more positive interactions together. If you are looking for the bad, you’ll only see the bad. But if you train your mind to look for the good, you’ll be much more at peace and have the right perspective so you can actually solve problems instead of creating new ones.

I know so many things have changed in your marriage over time. Your lives have gotten so busy, the stresses keep piling on, and you’ve really just let things go. Sometimes you look at your husband and wonder what happened to the man you married. You ask yourself, “how did we get to this place?”

And now, you really don’t know what to do.

All the problems seem to start with him, but when you really think about it, you know that there are things you could be doing differently too.

Neither one of you really listen to each other.

You don’t always see his perspective and it’s frustrating when he seems to be so stubborn and insensitive.

Your perception of him is so different than it was before.

And now, here you are. Feeling frustrated. And lonely. And wishing you had that man who was your best friend.

I want to encourage you and let you know, things really can get better.

Yes, right now you may be experiencing a lot of harsh words and criticism, lack of affection, the silent treatment, finger pointing and so many other things that cause you stress.

Unfortunately, you both have gotten into bad habits and ways of interacting with each other that have now caused you to see each other one specific way. And that way brings heartache, sadness, anger, frustration and a whole list of other things you really don’t want.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can begin to work on your issues in a way that feels good and really moves you forward.

Start to develop a marriage mindset.

Become aware of what he does, how you think about what he does, and how you respond to what he does. Just begin to pay attention. And then ask yourself if there are different ways of seeing things and different ways you want to respond. It doesn’t mean you have to change things overnight! Just asking the question brings new things into your awareness.

And then find one small thing that’s positive in your marriage. Hold on to that. Keep it front of mind. And then, get to work on rebuilding a better relationship with your husband.

We can do this together! I have a private Facebook group that I’d love for you to join me. I’m there daily offering encouragement, support and inspiration to help you create a marriage that you love. We’re over 1,000 members strong! Request to join us and receive more motivation and tips on how to create your marriage mindset! CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

Dr. Chavonne Perotte

Relationship Expert & Coach

P.S. If you are looking for a professional to personally help you develop a marriage mindset, I’d love to invite you to consider scheduling a consultation call with me. I have a few spots open in my signature coaching program, Getting to Happily, which provides a step-by-step plan for turning your failing marriage into a marriage that is your greatest source of joy. These consultation calls are usually $150, but you can schedule one at no cost if you use the link below.

Click HERE to learn more about the consultation call