Author: Chavonne Perotte

Today I want to talk with you about a common reaction in marriage.

Withdrawal.

Your husband does something or does something and you react to feeling hurt, anger, or frustration and then you withdraw.

Being in conversation with him, or interacting with him no longer feels comfortable, safe, or helpful.

So you retreat and go unto yourself.
You are human.
It feels like the right thing to do.

But I want to take a deeper dive into this response and offer you a different way of looking at it and another option for how you can respond.

Why You Withdraw
It feels like a protective mechanism.

You *think* you’re avoiding a negative emotion, but that’s not what happens at all.

When you withdraw, you remove yourself from experiencing your husband for the moment, but the anger, pain, frustration is still there because you STILL think about it. You take your thoughts with you wherever you go.

By withdrawing, you avoid and resist something, but the situation is not complete, so it still consumes your mind. You halted the process before you were able to arrive at a better place.

Here’s an analogy: it’s like you burn your hand on the hot stove. You quickly remove your hand, but then don’t put any ointment on it. The burning doesn’t stop just because your hand is not on the stove anymore. In fact, if you don’t do anything to make it better, it will only get worse.

Withdrawing is a Default Destructive Pattern
When you withdraw from the conversation or interaction, your mind is still racing with thoughts about your husband and what happened.

All you are then left with is your own un-checked and un-managed thoughts, and your husband is left with the same. You both are getting more angry and upset with each other, and then when you next interact, more than likely it is now more contentious and tension-filled.

Without re-framing your thinking or being coached, you both just stew in your thoughts and feelings, and fail to think in productive ways that would lead you to a more peaceful resolution.

When you notice this happening, I want you to call it out and label it as your Default Destructive Pattern (DDP). Knowing the role each of you play in this is critically important.

The Dangers of Withdrawing
Withdrawing creates open loops in your marriage. Open loops are things that are not properly dealt with and cleaned up. Over time, these open loops breed resentment and a hardening of your heart towards each other.

Withdrawing creates holes in your connection. The tie between you and your husband is broken, and you are unavailable for any type of positive or productive interaction.

Withdrawing widens your wounds. The initial pain or anger that prompted you to withdraw is now just festering without any remedy. You become more easily agitated and feel alone in your emotions which leads you to feel worse.

Withdrawing causes your brain to shrink instead of expanding. When you withdraw, you refuse the growth offered to you, and take a step backward. This limits you from ever making significant progress in the direction you want to go.

Benefits of NOT Withdrawing
When you make the decision NOT to withdraw, you create more of an opportunity to reach a mutual understanding.

You maintain a connection with your husband and could potentially turn what is straining your marriage into something that strengthens your marriage.

You offer yourself the chance to truly understand the initial wound that leads you to want to withdraw. You can see your anger, frustration and sadness in a different light.

When you decide NOT to withdraw, you lean into your own growth. You make the conscious decision to over-ride a destructive habit and transform into a better version of yourself.

What to do Instead
I teach my clients a strategy called Pause/Proceed. This is incredible effective in providing you some time and space to calm down, and then return to your husband in a way that is productive and moves you forward.

You simply take a “time out” from the interaction and then go through some simple exercises to process your thoughts so you can pick back up the conversation with a renewed perspective and ability to manage your emotions no matter how he is reacting.

You learn how to de-escalate your emotions, shift your thinking, and re-engage in the conversation from a more intentional place. Set a goal for the conversation where your focus is on moving forward and not proving your point or blaming your husband for the way he sees things.

Deciding to productively pick back up a conversation is not always easy. But it is always worth it. When you can approach the discussion from a place of wanting to create more positive ways of communicating and interacting, you break the cycle that’s had you stuck for so long.

Try it and see.

To avoiding the withdrawal,

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. If you want to learn more about how to apply the Pause/Proceed Method to your specific triggers, I can show you how to do that, step-by-step.

You can book a complimentary call where we can discuss what’s happening for you, I’ll offer my insight and expertise on how you should move forward, and then we can determine together if hiring me as you personal coach is the right thing for you.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE YOUR CALL WITH ME

How often do you feel like you are not a priority in your husband’s life?

How often does it seem like work comes first to him?

Or that he enjoys talking to anyone else more than he does with you?

How often do you think he’d rather spend his time binge-watching Netflix than interacting with you?

I used to think these thoughts. (yep).

And they felt very, very true.
I had a lot of evidence to prove them right.

Fast forward to yesterday.

Yesterday I had a perfect day with my husband.
He had the day off.

I was working in my office when he texted me and asked if I had plans for lunch.

I didn’t actually have plans for lunch, but I did have a ton of plans for what I needed to accomplish the rest of the day.

But I quickly realized this text was his way of reaching out and creating a moment of connection between us.

So I rearranged my task list and decided to go out to lunch with him.

Lunch turned into us sitting way longer together just casually chatting about anything and everything.

We laughed so hard.
He told me the most riveting stories.
We talked about ideas and things we want to do.

Then it was time to pick our kids up from school.

I went with him instead of returning to my office to catch up on my work.

I loved watching him interact with our children as he greeted them.
I thought about what an amazing father he is and how much they adore him.

Then picking up our kids turned into going out to dinner and having a really nice time together as a family.

After our kids were in bed, we sat on the couch and talked about the best part of our day, which is a ritual of ours.

We had the same answer – spending the afternoon together, just the two of us.

I share this story with you because in it there are key things that are relevant to you and where you are in your own marriage .

Remember, I was once feeling the same way you feel right now.
And now I have a completely different reality.

The time between me being exactly where you are now to my husband and I having an incredible day together yesterday was filled with a few lessons and a lot of growth on my part.

It did NOT include me complaining, asking him to spend more time with me, or me giving up hope that our connection would be stronger.

I want to give you the exact formula that will take you from feeling like you are not a priority to finally seeing just how much you are your husband’s favorite person to spend his time with.

These are the most important realizations you can come to in order to create the kind of shift you desire.

#1. Stop Complaining.

Whenever we are not getting what we want in a relationship, our instinct is to complain about it. “We don’t spend enough time together. When are we going to do something, just the two of us? Why do you always have something else to do?”

Or maybe your complaining is a little more subtle like, “I wish we could spend more time together. It would be nice if you planned something for us to do.”

Either way, your husband registers it as a complaint.

He senses that you don’t approve of him, and that he’s failing you in some way.

The male ego is very fragile, and so the best way to inspire him to spend time with you is to stop complaining and start appreciating. This can be as simple as “I loved when we did… or I really enjoy spending time with you.”

This is just the first step.
Keep reading.

#2. Stop Projecting.

There is a psychological phenomenon called projecting. It’s where you make assumptions about what someone else is thinking/feeling, but really, it’s what you think/feel.

So if you think you are not a priority to your husband, what you really need to look at is how your husband is not a priority to you. Your ego will protect you into thinking this is not the case, but if you are TRULY open and honest with yourself, there are plenty of moments where something else comes before your husband.

The kids.
Your work.
Facebook.
Getting your nails done.

Honestly look within to see the ways you’ve already been sending him signals that he’s not a priority to you. Admitting this to yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do in order to create a shift.

#3. Find What You Want.

Our minds are like machines. If you tell your brain that you are not a priority to your husband, it will deliver to you an abundance of evidence proving you right. This also works in the opposite direction. If you start telling yourself that you are a priority to your husband, it will then go to work to find all the ways THIS is true.

But again, the ego will resist wanting to do this work. You’ve become so comfortable being in the victim role and not getting the attention you desire. But I assure you if you just start to actively look for what you want, you will find some example, no matter how small, that will come to mind. That’s all you need. Grab it and keep building upon it.

#4. Be Someone He Wants to Be Around.

Okay, let’s take an honest look at yourself here. What percentage of time do you think you are truly being someone you husband would want to be around? What percentage of the day are you happy, kind to him, fun to be around? Or are you more in the space of being exhausted, stressed out, aggravated and confrontational?

Your mood and your energy matters.

And the more quickly you can start taking responsibility for the way you have been showing up, the better.

If he loved being around you when you were dating, what has changed about you now that it’s no longer the case?

Get to work being your BEST. That may mean healing some old wounds, letting go of resentment and learning to truly forgive. Whatever it is, that’s your work to do.

#5. Be Available.

You are probably unconscious to the ways you are emotionally and physically unavailable to your husband. When you reunite at the end of your work day, are you welcoming? Are you available or are you running around like a chicken with your head cut off? After the kids are off to bed, are you available, or are you already knocked out, or mindlessly watching TV or scrolling on social media?

He is never going to interrupt you no matter how many times you tell him he can. His brain doesn’t operate that way.

Make a commitment to give him your undivided attention. Be interested in what he has to say, and be interested and excited about what you have to say. I taught this to one of my clients and in a matter of weeks she and her husband were back to sleeping in the same room together.

These are the things you want to always keep in mind because they make such a difference.

There are countless books and tons of research backing these strategies.
They seem simple when you read it.
But applying it and consistently practicing these things is completely different.

Even I had to get help with this.

I had someone there to show me these things and to help me remove my own blind spots.

Even though I knew these things on a deep intellectual level, I was not actively applying them in any regular way. I needed to change my mindset so that doing these more productive actions in service of my marriage became second nature.

If any of this feels like an uphill battle for you its because you don’t have the right beliefs and way of thinking to make it easy.

There’s no shame in that.

Beliefs, like anything, have to be cultivated and developed.

It’s something you can learn to do and eventually master.

As a coach, I can have a conversation with someone and identify the exact limiting belief that’s keeping them stuck where they don’t want to be.

And then I can help them chip away at that belief and replace it with more helpful and productive thoughts that provide them with motivation and encouragement to start building their minds to believe something else.

And ultimately create a marriage where they feel like a priority to their husband.

As you read each of the five points above though, you probably had some thought about them.

Maybe it was, “I already do that”.

Or “I don’t want to do that.”

Or “I don’t know how to do that.”

Or, “I don’t think that’s really what’s happening.”

Or maybe you though, “Yes, but if my husband would just….”

It’s this very thinking that makes it hard for you to make the progress you want.  

Your brain will convince you that you are doing everything you can do. That you’re trying as hard as you can.

That’s the worst thing you could tell yourself.

Because then there is nothing left to do to make things better. You’re doing it already and it’s not working. The end.

But I want you to start asking “What if there was more I could do?”

And then read the five points above again with a more open mind.

THESE are the only solutions you need.
They are always found within you.
Never in trying to change your husband.

Put yourself as the priority in making your marriage better. And you’ll soon see how you were the priority all along.

Love, Always

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. I send powerful content like this almost every day. If you could use the right guidance and advice as you navigate this tough season of your marriage, sign up to be included on my email list!

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P.S.P. If you are looking for a professional to help you truly apply this work in order to finally make some progress in your marriage, reach out and book a complimentary call with me.

We will speak directly and I’ll show you the exact thinking that keeps you stuck and how you can start seeing things from a different and more helpful perspective.

You can go from not feeling like a priority to your husband, to having mid-day lunch dates together.

Let me teach you a different way.
It works so much better.

Your marriage is in a bad place.

You’ve watched it go from bad to worse and now you are looking for professional help.

It’s not a decision you take lightly because at this point, you don’t know what else to do.

You’ve been trying to many different ways and so many different approaches and nothing seems to work.

You are unsure and a little worried that getting help might not work either.

But you’re still willing to give it a try because you have to do something.

You are committed to your vows, and as a believer, you know that God can still work a miracle in your relationship.

You’re putting work to the little faith you already have.

I see you.

I understand exactly how you feel.

As you approach this step of seeking professional help for your marriage, I want to share with you the Top 3 Do’s and Don’ts.

As a marriage coach, I have seen couples approach getting help for their marriage in ways that set them up for disappointment and minimal success.

It’s important that you approach this process with the right mindset, expectations and intentions.

God designed your marriage as a mirror for you to come to realizations that draw you closer to Him and that push you into becoming the person he created you to be.

The challenges you face in your marriage are ultimately for your greatest good, and the process of working with a professional can help you arrive at that place a lot quicker if you have the right perspective.

Here are 3 of the most important things you can DO to set yourself up for success:

#1. Go in search of your own spiritual growth.

Improving your marriage is always a process that requires you to improve you. The issues between you and your spouse are a function of the interaction between the two of you. Any problems you experience together can be solved when you see yourself as part of the solution. There is some way of being, some beliefs you hold, some qualities about you that will have to be eliminated in order for your marriage to thrive.

When you enter the process of improving your marriage from the desire to grow spiritually and to become your best, you will embrace the hard lessons you need to learn. You will be able to do the right things for your marriage, not out of obligation, but from a place of truly desiring to be a better person.

#2. Go with faith that what you want for your marriage is possible.

Most couples who have been facing challenges for a long time have lost hope that things will actually get better. Seeking professional help is sometimes a last resort before deciding to separate. This way of thinking sets you up to fail. You have to seek a specific vision for your marriage and hold that in your mind throughout this process. You cannot have one foot in and one foot out the door.

When you commit to being all in and actively choose for your marriage to be a success, then you open the door for things to work out in that way. The thoughts you hold for what your marriage can be are extremely powerful. Our thinking often determines our reality. What do you want? Focus on that more than what you don’t want. Focus on that more than any doubt to tell you it might not be possible. God has already promised that ALL things are possible for the one who believes.

#3. Go in committed to persevere.

Many couples underestimate how long it can take to turn their marriage around. They forget how long it took to arrive at a place of unhappiness and have unrealistic expectations for how quickly they should start feeling better. Decide right now that you are in this for the long haul. That you are willing to be patient with yourself and your spouse. Recognize that change takes time, and that you are willing to give your all to the process even when that progress is slow in coming.

So many couples decide to get help for a few sessions and then quit when it gets too difficult. When I work with my own clients, we commit to a process for a minimum of 6 months. Just that decision alone is transformative and helps you remain committed and dedicated to truly doing ALL the work required to create the type of marriage you want. Cultivating your commitment is one of the most important things you can do to have a successful and happy marriage.

These powerful Do’s will take you far in the journey to improving your marriage.

Equally, if not more important, are avoiding some of the most common pitfalls couples make.

Here are 3 things you must avoid doing at all costs in order to save your marriage.

#1. Do NOT go in expecting to change your spouse.

I think this is one of the reasons why men are so reluctant to getting help for the marriage. It’s presented to them in such a way where they become defensive and feel blamed for all of the problems in the marriage. It’s important for you to know that your perception of your spouse is not entirely accurate and some of the things you think need to change, may only be able to happen when you first change yourself. Remember the problems you face are a result of the interaction of the two of you. If the only solution is for your spouse to change, you are never going to make the progress you want. God always operates out of a place of what’s best for everyone involved. He does not favor you over your spouse. He’s calling you to do your own work to improve the marriage too.

I want you to internalize this thought deeply: This is not about your spouse. The more you keep the focus on what you can do, the better things will become. You can only control your side of the equation. And by doing that, you automatically alter the other side. When you become better, you give your spouse something different and better to respond to. As a result, your interactions can quickly become more comfortable, kind, and loving.

#2. Do NOT go in expecting the professional to solve all your problems.

As a coach, my primary responsibility is to help you gain insight and remove your own blind spots so you can see the solutions that are already there. A marriage professional should not “tell you want to do” they should not influence your decisions with their own opinions. This is a sacred process and only God knows the exact path He has for your marriage.

Enter this process knowing that you have the answers you need, and that the Holy Spirit will guide you and this process. Be open minded to what your marriage professional is offering, do the work suggested for you to do, and commit to growing into a better person. Some marriage problems will always exist, but the way you handle them can change. That’s what this process will help you uncover.

#3. Do NOT allow anything else to be more important.

Many couples run into problems because over time the marriage slips father and father down the priority list. The demands of busy careers, raising a family and other responsibilities erodes the time they were once able to spend together. The faster you are able to make your marriage the MOST important thing to spend your time, money, and energy on, the faster you will reap the rewards.

Having a happy and strong marriage makes every other aspect of your life easier. As a parent there is no more important thing you can offer your children besides a healthy, stable, and loving relationship with your spouse. That’s worth more to them than any vacation, any extra-curricular activity, or any private school. Often when couples have stress in their marriage, it spills over into how they respond to their children. Putting your marriage first will make you a better parent. It will also make you a better employee or business owner. It will make you a better person in every way possible.

As you read this list of Do’s and Don’ts which one stands out the most to you? What had you not thought about?

Whatever comes up for you, I’m glad you have some new awareness and insight. Having the right mindset and perspective on your marriage is the one thing that is 100% within your control, and is the biggest factor in creating the change you want to see.

I also know that when you are having problems in your marriage, that your perspective can be clouded with thoughts and beliefs that keep you stuck in a negative cycle. Sometimes you need a little boost to keep your mind open and receptive to the right thinking.

I created a free audio program, 13 Beliefs to Hold on to When Marriage Gets Tough. It includes the most helpful and powerful things to tell yourself as you begin the work of improving your marriage. You can download it for free:

CLICK HERE to get your 13 Beliefs Audio!

I know it will provide you with encouragement, sound wisdom, and a faith-based perspective so you can stop worrying about what could go wrong, and focus on what can go right.

And if you are looking to hire a marriage professional to help you, feel free to reach out to me directly. I see clients “virtually” all over the world because I know how important it is to find the right person to support your marriage, regardless of location or what your insurance will cover. I work with women and couples committed to getting the BEST help for their marriage no matter what.

You can book a complimentary call with me where we can discuss your specific issues. I’ll share the exact approach I would take to help move you forward, and then we can decide if officially working together is the right next step for you.

Book your complimentary call with me by CLICKING HERE 

To loving your marriage again,

Dr. Chavonne

Dr. Chavonne is a Christian marriage coach who works with women and couples to create happier and more fulfilling marriages. Her work centers on personal transformation and spiritual growth as the path to improving the relationship. She works best with ambitious and successful individuals who excel in other areas of life, but struggle in their marriage. She is an author, speaker, and podcaster. She is based in New Jersey.