Just like on the 4th of July, I’m sure you want to see fireworks in your marriage. There’s something magical and powerful about seeing the beautiful lights explode into the air.
It creates a burst of light where there once was darkness.
It made me think about what it would be like to create fireworks in a marriage that’s feeling a little lonely, dark, and missing that excitement.
This is such a common issue I hear about and help my private clients work through.
Every couple goes through these moments and so I thought I’d share some ideas for what to do to create fireworks in your own marriage.
So let’s stick with the fireworks theme for a minute and I want you to imagine you wanted to see real fireworks today. What would you do? The steps you’d take in that instance are really quite similar to what I’ll suggest for your own marriage.
1. Make the decision you WANT to see fireworks.
Everything you see in your life right now, is the result of a thought following by a decision to make it happen. If you’re not experiencing the love and excitement you desire in your marriage, that’s a signal you need to create a different pattern of thinking and make the decisions that align with what you want.
You can’t vacillate back and forth and let your feelings inform your decisions. Instead you must make a firm decision and allow your thoughts and emotions to line up with your commitment.
2. Get in the know.
If you wanted to watch the fireworks in your local community, you’d do some research to find out where they’d be displayed. You’d acquire the information you needed to get what you want. Part of creating fireworks in your marriage involves knowing your spouse – what they like, how they best receive love, and what needs they have you may not be meeting.
It’s important to take the focus off of yourself (easier said than done) and reach out to him. One of my favorite questions to ask my husband when distance sets in is “What is something you’d like me to do that I’m not doing?” I posed this questions just the other week, and it opened a huge door in our communication. Even better, he then asked me the same question in return. Win-win for us both.
3. Make the effort…consistently.
Once you have the information, you have to take the action. This will be more difficult for you if you are of the mindset that you’re “always” the one to make the effort. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and become the champion and cheerleader for your marriage. You will have to be the one to set the date night, let him know you’re thinking of him, and express your appreciation even when you are feeling under appreciated.
Do not let your pride stand in the way.
Make sure your actions are aligned with what you already decided you wanted in your marriage. Sometimes you have to be the one to light the spark and set off the first firework.
4. Be patient.
Imagine arriving at the location of the fireworks show. You get there, settle in, and then what? You wait. And wait. The exact time they pop up is not up to you. Similarly, in marriage, sometimes you’ll find yourself waiting to see the outcomes you want. Things may be “delayed” and take longer that you expect. If you come with a mindset of patience, you will never be disappointed.
This requires that you are confident in the outcome. You have to begin to accumulate evidence that what you want is indeed on the way. You wouldn’t turn around and leave the fireworks show at the first sign of delay. You’d look around, and see other people in the same position, and sit back knowing that eventually you’ll see what you came to see. The same will apply to your marriage.
5. Appreciate and enjoy what you receive.
We have a lot of expectations in marriage. Some are valid and other expectations will always leave us feeling disappointed. An important habit to develop is a constant spirit of appreciation. Any effort on your husband’s part, any progress in any way should be noticed and appreciated. You want to enjoy it for what it is instead of wishing he had done more or done it in a different way. When you appreciate the small efforts, it just motivates him to make a bigger effort next time. Men thrive on positive reinforcement.
I’ve been practicing this a lot in my own marriage, and to my delight yesterday my husband made dinner reservations for us at a one of the most gorgeous restaurants I’ve ever been to. I expected us to just “play it by ear” and didn’t nag him, or try to control how we would spend the time together, I was grateful we had a date night scheduled! But by trusting him, and focusing on the fact that we were both being intentional about this time together, I actually got even more than I expected!
If you feel like the fireworks you used to experience have long fizzled out, why not make a commitment really apply these steps to your own marriage?
I promise you just applying even one of them will make a difference.
And if you want some great ideas for how to re-light that spark, be sure to download my FREE GUIDE: LOVE SPARK: 12 Quick Ways to Re-Ignite Your Marriage!
Yours in relating well,
Dr. Chavonne
Oh, and if you are looking for a marriage professional to help you work through some of the issues you face right now, I’m here to help. I coach women and couples from all over the world virtually through my private practice. Book your complimentary consultation with me by clicking here!
