I can clearly remember asking my husband to go to therapy and his answer was no.
I was shocked.
Devastated.
Confused.
We had been before.
He was willing.
Open.
Engaged.
Active.
But this time, his answer was no.
Initially, I did not respond well.
It sent me in a tailspin of destructive thoughts and feelings.
Why wouldn’t he make an effort?
Was he just giving up?
What were we supposed to do now?
I thought a long time about ways to change his mind.
Sometimes I approached the conversations with love and a tender request.
Sometimes I approached it with anger, fear and frustration.
Neither worked.
Neither made a difference.
And so I decided to do something else.
I decided to make this about me, and not him.
I decided to work on myself and how I was responding to the things happening in my marriage.
It was not easy.
I was hurt.
Angry.
Resentful.
I cried a lot.
I prayed a lot.
I wanted to just give up.
Punish him by up and walking out.
But I did not.
I could not.
I would not.
And I’m glad I didn’t.
It was that very experience, that very no, that has launched me into a different phase of life I would have never known.
I am more confident.
Self-assured.
Self-reliant.
I feel validated.
Loved.
Cherished.
Adored.
Grateful.
I’ve tapped into an internal sense of happiness that I could have never found if he had said yes.
Because at the time, I was seeking therapy as an avenue to create change within him.
I knew there were things I needed to address, but I also realized my frustration at his no was because I thought it closed the door to him receiving the information he needed in order to change.
I wanted an objective person to tell him the things I’d been trying to tell him for so long. I wanted them to inspire him to do things differently.
And that was the wrong way to go.
I am the change agent in my marriage.
I know that now.
I can communicate what my husband needs to do differently without ever saying a word to him.
I can inspire him to love and cherish me the way I want without speaking with him directly.
I can call into our marriage the exact experiences and situations my heart desires while being in silence.
How?
I take it to God.
I allow God to make it different.
I welcome His spirit into every situation.
Into every part of me.
I manage my mind.
I direct thoughts.
I control how I show up.
I process my emotions in productive ways.
I empower myself to feel how I want to feel.
I use my words to create what I want.
And it makes such a difference.
Sometimes, the obstacle is the way .
Sometimes the “no” to one thing is a “yes” to something better.
Sometimes the closed door is forcing you to choose another one.
I’m so grateful my husband did not go to therapy at the time.
Because it forced me to become a woman who can now write these emails to you, understanding EXACTLY how you feel. And having the answers you need to move yourself forward.
Here they are:
Focus on you.
Heal yourself.
Enjoy what’s amazing about your life.
Pursue your goals.
Release resentments.
Forgive.
Offer grace.
Grow.
Evolve.
Change.
Keep your eyes on God.
And let God’s love abide in you.
It’s not always an easy road.
It’s not one many women are conscious of.
It’s not a place most women go.
But it’s so beautiful on the other side.
You’ll have the ability to master your emotions.
To let things go at the blink of an eye.
To generate within yourself the exact feelings you want to feel.
To create more love, joy and peace in your marriage than you ever thought possible.
If you’re open, I can lead the way.
I’ve been right where you are.
I see the path to getting out.
And you will get out.
See yourself as the solution.
Look within for the change.
Create what you want from the inside out.
