Comparison is a concept all of us are familiar with.
We compare ourselves to others and feel better.
We compare ourselves to others and feel worse.
It’s a human tendency that can show up in every part of your life.
What you do with it is up to you.
You can use it to motivate and inspire you.
You can use it to deflate and discourage you.
When it comes to marriage, there are so many avenues of comparison.
Most of them lead us down a dangerous and unproductive trap.
Just scroll through your social media news feed, and you’ll be greeted with tons of examples of what everyone else’s husband is doing and saying. You can quickly feel like your husband is just not measuring up.
I want to take this concept one step further and offer some insight you may not have considered before.
I want to suggest that perhaps your husband’s greatest competition is not with the photos and check-ins on Facebook, but that your husband’s greatest competition is with your image of him.
I believe there are 3 specific images of our husbands that live in our minds, and influence the way we feel about him, for good or bad.
Here they are:
1. Who you thought he was.
This is the image you created of him when you first met and fell in love. That man who could do no wrong. Who said all the right things, showed you the love and affection you desired, and made you feel like the most important and beautiful woman in the world.
You easily overlooked his shortcomings because there were so many other good things to over-ride those weaknesses that seemed easy to deal with at the time. He was so right for you and some how met most of your emotional needs without you having to ask, beg, or plead. This was the version of him you thought would make your life complete.
2. Who you wanted him to become.
Over time, you noticed some things about his personality or the way he chose to be that you hoped would change for the better. His stubbornness. How long he took to get things done. His focus on work and other things. His quietness.
You figured that by talking about these issues, and making some helpful suggestions, you could easily encourage and motivate him to become more the way you thought he should be. Of course, you were not trying to change him (that never works) but you did hope to be able to show him a different way of doing things that worked better for you.
3. Who you wish he could be now.
Now, as disappointment and unmet expectations may have built up, you find yourself creating a whole new image of him that on many days, seems like an impossibility. This is the husband you think will make you happy. The one who will help out around the house more, who will take off of work just to surprise you with a nice lunch out, the one who listens to your problems with just the right amount of empathy and caring.
This is the husband who follows through, who schedules the date nights and easily admits when he’s wrong. This is the husband that hands down is your best friend and favorite person in the world to spend time with. He’s some how found a way to right all his wrongs, and did all that he needed to help you truly let go of any past resentments and hurts.
These 3 versions float in and out of your mind regularly leaving a noticeable void if they don’t align with the husband in front of you now.
Its in these cracks and crevices, these openings and holes that comparison lives.
And these are the versions of your husband that your current (real life) husband could never compete with.
Because none of them are real.
They were all created in your mind. By your thinking. Your opinions and preferences that soon turned into hard and fast beliefs, perceived as the truth about who and what he is.
The good news is, just as you made it all up before, you can make it up again.
You can have whatever kind of husband you make up your mind to have.
It requires that you spend more time thinking about what you LOVE about him, than what you wish was different.
It requires that you spend intentional time writing out all the things about him that you appreciate, rather than keeping score for the ways he falls short.
It requires that you look for the unexpected benefits of having him in your life rather than focusing on the expectations he still seems to miss.
When you get your mind right, you can have any kind of husband you want.
And there’s no competition there at all.
Now I don’t mean to imply that overnight he’s just going to be transformed by some fairy god-mother of positive thinking.
But what I do know is that when we hold a certain image of someone, we tend to act towards them in ways that align with that vision.
So if you see husband #1 from above, you are going to respond to him very differently than if you see someone who is the opposite of that.
And it’s your pattern of thought, which feed into your pattern of behavior that ultimately determine the quality of your relationship.
Everything you are experiencing in your marriage right now is in some way related to a thought you had, followed by a set of behaviors and decisions that aligned with that thought.
This is one of the reasons I spend so much time working with my clients to re-frame their thinking about their marriage. This process often takes having someone with an objective point of view to show you the things you just can’t see.
Once you are thinking and feeling differently, taking those loving actions and being more of the kind of wife you are proud of is much, much easier.
It’s those consistent loving actions that open the door for better communication, ultimately lead to a marriage that truly lights you up inside.
So today, why not put your current husband in competition with husband #1, 2, and 3 from above. And make sure he’s guaranteed to win.
Yours in relating well,
If you are looking for a marriage professional to help you navigate some of the challenges you are going through right now, I’m here to support you. When I’m writing, creating videos, and launching events, I coach women and couples from all over the country in my private practice. CLICK HERE to apply for your complimentary consultation and see if I’m the right person to support you in mending your marriage.
