How many little annoyances are you presented with in a given day?
Think about it.
How often do you find yourself tempted to lose your patience, to say something you’ll later regret, or to do something that could create more distance between the people you love.
Annoyances are just that.
Annoying.
And if they are not handled appropriately, a small annoyance can go on to ruin your entire day, or even several days.
We all know that we should just let things go.
Easier said than done, right?
Sometimes we think we don’t have a choice in becoming irritated or frustrated.
Sometimes we think there is no other way we could possibly react.
I know differently.
And I want to help you believe the same.
It really is true that you have total control over how you react in certain situations.
But our natural tendency has been so ingrained in us, we don’t even know what it would look like to respond differently.
Well, it would look like peace.
Ease.
Calm.
Could you use a little more of that in your life?
If so, I want to share with you a few steps that can help you prevent those little annoyances from becoming a bigger deal and than they need to be.
And if we’re going to be honest here, there’s probably no relationship where those annoyances creep in more than a marriage.
Managing a life with another person, and choosing to love and accept them unconditionally when you see ALL of their flaws is no easy task.
But like everything in life, God has already given us a road map if we’d just follow the directions.
So, when you find yourself triggered in all the wrong ways, here’s what you can do:
1. Get it out. It’s sometimes helpful to just go off on a rant with what’s bothering you. This can include writing it down in a journal, taking it to God in prayer, or reaching out to a friend who always provides the right and helpful perspective. This is usually just the surface issue – what’s bothering you at the moment. It’s important that in your “venting” that you have the goal of getting to a better place about the situation, otherwise you run the danger of this process getting you more upset.
2. Seek clarity. Sometimes we get frustrated because we don’t have the full understanding of a situation. We don’t truly understand where the other person is coming from or what contributed to what’s happening. There are often different ways of seeing the same situation that could ease our mind as opposed to making us more miserable. I often ask God to show me what he wants me to see in these moments, even if it’s not something I really want to see. Be humble enough to admit that you don’t know everything, and that there are other ways of seeing and perceiving a certain issue.
3. Request a heart change. Because our goal is getting to a better place, and not allowing annoyances to turn into relational disasters, we’ve got to examine our own hearts and open ourselves up for a more tender, understanding, and compassionate version of ourselves. My prayer in these moments is that God would change my heart, that he would give me the desire to want to remain calm and peaceful and to be led by His love. I’ve come to realize my own ego, pride, and self-righteousness will always get in the way, and that I need some help to shift my emotional compass to what’s the highest good for everyone involved.
4. Look in the mirror. In every situation, we must get in the habit of examining ourselves and asking the question, “what could I have done differently to create a better situation?” And then follow that up with, “given the situation now, what can I do to course correct?” Sometimes you may have to sit with this for a while, but when you do, you empower yourself in more ways than you can imagine.
5. Choose Love and Gratitude. In every situation, I think we have the choice to choose love or to choose fear, judgment and criticism. What would it look like if you chose to think, and act out of a place of love? What could you actually be grateful for even in the moments where you are full of negative emotions? When we get frustrated, we forget the things that really matter in life. Even if things are going all the way wrong, there is still something good, there is still something positive you can set your mind on.
6. Repeat a saying, quote or scripture. It’s important that you direct your thinking during these moments of irritation. I have a few “go to” resources that instantly remind me of the right perspective I want to have. It’s like a healing ointment that you have to apply liberally. When you are hurt physically, you take pain medication. The same concept applies. In those times where you are very annoyed, you’ve been hurt emotionally and you also need something to take the sting away. Find an inspirational saying, quote or scripture that speaks to you at the deepest levels and reminds you that the frustration will pass, and that in the end you will be better for it.
Like I said, easier said than done.
If any of this feels like too much of a stretch for you , why not just pick one thing from the list above and focus on that.
Make it your new habit when life and the people you love hand you lemons. As the summer approaches, you definitely want to be enjoying more lemonade.
P.S. If you have been looking for some help in better dealing with the issues in your marriage right now, I would love to support you.
Consider scheduling a complementary consultation with me to discuss what’s happening and to see if working directly with me might help you get unstuck.
