Your marriage is in a bad place.
You’ve watched it go from bad to worse and now you are looking for professional help.
It’s not a decision you take lightly because at this point, you don’t know what else to do.
You’ve been trying to many different ways and so many different approaches and nothing seems to work.
You are unsure and a little worried that getting help might not work either.
But you’re still willing to give it a try because you have to do something.
You are committed to your vows, and as a believer, you know that God can still work a miracle in your relationship.
You’re putting work to the little faith you already have.
I see you.
I understand exactly how you feel.
As you approach this step of seeking professional help for your marriage, I want to share with you the Top 3 Do’s and Don’ts.
As a marriage coach, I have seen couples approach getting help for their marriage in ways that set them up for disappointment and minimal success.
It’s important that you approach this process with the right mindset, expectations and intentions.
God designed your marriage as a mirror for you to come to realizations that draw you closer to Him and that push you into becoming the person he created you to be.
The challenges you face in your marriage are ultimately for your greatest good, and the process of working with a professional can help you arrive at that place a lot quicker if you have the right perspective.
Here are 3 of the most important things you can DO to set yourself up for success:
#1. Go in search of your own spiritual growth.
Improving your marriage is always a process that requires you to improve you. The issues between you and your spouse are a function of the interaction between the two of you. Any problems you experience together can be solved when you see yourself as part of the solution. There is some way of being, some beliefs you hold, some qualities about you that will have to be eliminated in order for your marriage to thrive.
When you enter the process of improving your marriage from the desire to grow spiritually and to become your best, you will embrace the hard lessons you need to learn. You will be able to do the right things for your marriage, not out of obligation, but from a place of truly desiring to be a better person.
#2. Go with faith that what you want for your marriage is possible.
Most couples who have been facing challenges for a long time have lost hope that things will actually get better. Seeking professional help is sometimes a last resort before deciding to separate. This way of thinking sets you up to fail. You have to seek a specific vision for your marriage and hold that in your mind throughout this process. You cannot have one foot in and one foot out the door.
When you commit to being all in and actively choose for your marriage to be a success, then you open the door for things to work out in that way. The thoughts you hold for what your marriage can be are extremely powerful. Our thinking often determines our reality. What do you want? Focus on that more than what you don’t want. Focus on that more than any doubt to tell you it might not be possible. God has already promised that ALL things are possible for the one who believes.
#3. Go in committed to persevere.
Many couples underestimate how long it can take to turn their marriage around. They forget how long it took to arrive at a place of unhappiness and have unrealistic expectations for how quickly they should start feeling better. Decide right now that you are in this for the long haul. That you are willing to be patient with yourself and your spouse. Recognize that change takes time, and that you are willing to give your all to the process even when that progress is slow in coming.
So many couples decide to get help for a few sessions and then quit when it gets too difficult. When I work with my own clients, we commit to a process for a minimum of 6 months. Just that decision alone is transformative and helps you remain committed and dedicated to truly doing ALL the work required to create the type of marriage you want. Cultivating your commitment is one of the most important things you can do to have a successful and happy marriage.
These powerful Do’s will take you far in the journey to improving your marriage.
Equally, if not more important, are avoiding some of the most common pitfalls couples make.
Here are 3 things you must avoid doing at all costs in order to save your marriage.
#1. Do NOT go in expecting to change your spouse.
I think this is one of the reasons why men are so reluctant to getting help for the marriage. It’s presented to them in such a way where they become defensive and feel blamed for all of the problems in the marriage. It’s important for you to know that your perception of your spouse is not entirely accurate and some of the things you think need to change, may only be able to happen when you first change yourself. Remember the problems you face are a result of the interaction of the two of you. If the only solution is for your spouse to change, you are never going to make the progress you want. God always operates out of a place of what’s best for everyone involved. He does not favor you over your spouse. He’s calling you to do your own work to improve the marriage too.
I want you to internalize this thought deeply: This is not about your spouse. The more you keep the focus on what you can do, the better things will become. You can only control your side of the equation. And by doing that, you automatically alter the other side. When you become better, you give your spouse something different and better to respond to. As a result, your interactions can quickly become more comfortable, kind, and loving.
#2. Do NOT go in expecting the professional to solve all your problems.
As a coach, my primary responsibility is to help you gain insight and remove your own blind spots so you can see the solutions that are already there. A marriage professional should not “tell you want to do” they should not influence your decisions with their own opinions. This is a sacred process and only God knows the exact path He has for your marriage.
Enter this process knowing that you have the answers you need, and that the Holy Spirit will guide you and this process. Be open minded to what your marriage professional is offering, do the work suggested for you to do, and commit to growing into a better person. Some marriage problems will always exist, but the way you handle them can change. That’s what this process will help you uncover.
#3. Do NOT allow anything else to be more important.
Many couples run into problems because over time the marriage slips father and father down the priority list. The demands of busy careers, raising a family and other responsibilities erodes the time they were once able to spend together. The faster you are able to make your marriage the MOST important thing to spend your time, money, and energy on, the faster you will reap the rewards.
Having a happy and strong marriage makes every other aspect of your life easier. As a parent there is no more important thing you can offer your children besides a healthy, stable, and loving relationship with your spouse. That’s worth more to them than any vacation, any extra-curricular activity, or any private school. Often when couples have stress in their marriage, it spills over into how they respond to their children. Putting your marriage first will make you a better parent. It will also make you a better employee or business owner. It will make you a better person in every way possible.
As you read this list of Do’s and Don’ts which one stands out the most to you? What had you not thought about?
Whatever comes up for you, I’m glad you have some new awareness and insight. Having the right mindset and perspective on your marriage is the one thing that is 100% within your control, and is the biggest factor in creating the change you want to see.
I also know that when you are having problems in your marriage, that your perspective can be clouded with thoughts and beliefs that keep you stuck in a negative cycle. Sometimes you need a little boost to keep your mind open and receptive to the right thinking.
I created a free audio program, 13 Beliefs to Hold on to When Marriage Gets Tough. It includes the most helpful and powerful things to tell yourself as you begin the work of improving your marriage. You can download it for free:
CLICK HERE to get your 13 Beliefs Audio!
I know it will provide you with encouragement, sound wisdom, and a faith-based perspective so you can stop worrying about what could go wrong, and focus on what can go right.
And if you are looking to hire a marriage professional to help you, feel free to reach out to me directly. I see clients “virtually” all over the world because I know how important it is to find the right person to support your marriage, regardless of location or what your insurance will cover. I work with women and couples committed to getting the BEST help for their marriage no matter what.
You can book a complimentary call with me where we can discuss your specific issues. I’ll share the exact approach I would take to help move you forward, and then we can decide if officially working together is the right next step for you.
Book your complimentary call with me by CLICKING HERE
To loving your marriage again,
Dr. Chavonne
Dr. Chavonne is a Christian marriage coach who works with women and couples to create happier and more fulfilling marriages. Her work centers on personal transformation and spiritual growth as the path to improving the relationship. She works best with ambitious and successful individuals who excel in other areas of life, but struggle in their marriage. She is an author, speaker, and podcaster. She is based in New Jersey.
