Today I want to talk with you about a common reaction in marriage.
Withdrawal.
Your husband does something or does something and you react to feeling hurt, anger, or frustration and then you withdraw.
Being in conversation with him, or interacting with him no longer feels comfortable, safe, or helpful.
So you retreat and go unto yourself.
You are human.
It feels like the right thing to do.
But I want to take a deeper dive into this response and offer you a different way of looking at it and another option for how you can respond.
Why You Withdraw
It feels like a protective mechanism.
You *think* you’re avoiding a negative emotion, but that’s not what happens at all.
When you withdraw, you remove yourself from experiencing your husband for the moment, but the anger, pain, frustration is still there because you STILL think about it. You take your thoughts with you wherever you go.
By withdrawing, you avoid and resist something, but the situation is not complete, so it still consumes your mind. You halted the process before you were able to arrive at a better place.
Here’s an analogy: it’s like you burn your hand on the hot stove. You quickly remove your hand, but then don’t put any ointment on it. The burning doesn’t stop just because your hand is not on the stove anymore. In fact, if you don’t do anything to make it better, it will only get worse.
Withdrawing is a Default Destructive Pattern
When you withdraw from the conversation or interaction, your mind is still racing with thoughts about your husband and what happened.
All you are then left with is your own un-checked and un-managed thoughts, and your husband is left with the same. You both are getting more angry and upset with each other, and then when you next interact, more than likely it is now more contentious and tension-filled.
Without re-framing your thinking or being coached, you both just stew in your thoughts and feelings, and fail to think in productive ways that would lead you to a more peaceful resolution.
When you notice this happening, I want you to call it out and label it as your Default Destructive Pattern (DDP). Knowing the role each of you play in this is critically important.
The Dangers of Withdrawing
Withdrawing creates open loops in your marriage. Open loops are things that are not properly dealt with and cleaned up. Over time, these open loops breed resentment and a hardening of your heart towards each other.
Withdrawing creates holes in your connection. The tie between you and your husband is broken, and you are unavailable for any type of positive or productive interaction.
Withdrawing widens your wounds. The initial pain or anger that prompted you to withdraw is now just festering without any remedy. You become more easily agitated and feel alone in your emotions which leads you to feel worse.
Withdrawing causes your brain to shrink instead of expanding. When you withdraw, you refuse the growth offered to you, and take a step backward. This limits you from ever making significant progress in the direction you want to go.
Benefits of NOT Withdrawing
When you make the decision NOT to withdraw, you create more of an opportunity to reach a mutual understanding.
You maintain a connection with your husband and could potentially turn what is straining your marriage into something that strengthens your marriage.
You offer yourself the chance to truly understand the initial wound that leads you to want to withdraw. You can see your anger, frustration and sadness in a different light.
When you decide NOT to withdraw, you lean into your own growth. You make the conscious decision to over-ride a destructive habit and transform into a better version of yourself.
What to do Instead
I teach my clients a strategy called Pause/Proceed. This is incredible effective in providing you some time and space to calm down, and then return to your husband in a way that is productive and moves you forward.
You simply take a “time out” from the interaction and then go through some simple exercises to process your thoughts so you can pick back up the conversation with a renewed perspective and ability to manage your emotions no matter how he is reacting.
You learn how to de-escalate your emotions, shift your thinking, and re-engage in the conversation from a more intentional place. Set a goal for the conversation where your focus is on moving forward and not proving your point or blaming your husband for the way he sees things.
Deciding to productively pick back up a conversation is not always easy. But it is always worth it. When you can approach the discussion from a place of wanting to create more positive ways of communicating and interacting, you break the cycle that’s had you stuck for so long.
Try it and see.
To avoiding the withdrawal,
Dr. Chavonne
P.S. If you want to learn more about how to apply the Pause/Proceed Method to your specific triggers, I can show you how to do that, step-by-step.
You can book a complimentary call where we can discuss what’s happening for you, I’ll offer my insight and expertise on how you should move forward, and then we can determine together if hiring me as you personal coach is the right thing for you.
