How often do you feel like you are not a priority in your husband’s life?
How often does it seem like work comes first to him?
Or that he enjoys talking to anyone else more than he does with you?
How often do you think he’d rather spend his time binge-watching Netflix than interacting with you?
I used to think these thoughts. (yep).
And they felt very, very true.
I had a lot of evidence to prove them right.
Fast forward to yesterday.
Yesterday I had a perfect day with my husband.
He had the day off.
I was working in my office when he texted me and asked if I had plans for lunch.
I didn’t actually have plans for lunch, but I did have a ton of plans for what I needed to accomplish the rest of the day.
But I quickly realized this text was his way of reaching out and creating a moment of connection between us.
So I rearranged my task list and decided to go out to lunch with him.
Lunch turned into us sitting way longer together just casually chatting about anything and everything.
We laughed so hard.
He told me the most riveting stories.
We talked about ideas and things we want to do.
Then it was time to pick our kids up from school.
I went with him instead of returning to my office to catch up on my work.
I loved watching him interact with our children as he greeted them.
I thought about what an amazing father he is and how much they adore him.
Then picking up our kids turned into going out to dinner and having a really nice time together as a family.
After our kids were in bed, we sat on the couch and talked about the best part of our day, which is a ritual of ours.
We had the same answer – spending the afternoon together, just the two of us.
I share this story with you because in it there are key things that are relevant to you and where you are in your own marriage .
Remember, I was once feeling the same way you feel right now.
And now I have a completely different reality.
The time between me being exactly where you are now to my husband and I having an incredible day together yesterday was filled with a few lessons and a lot of growth on my part.
It did NOT include me complaining, asking him to spend more time with me, or me giving up hope that our connection would be stronger.
I want to give you the exact formula that will take you from feeling like you are not a priority to finally seeing just how much you are your husband’s favorite person to spend his time with.
These are the most important realizations you can come to in order to create the kind of shift you desire.
#1. Stop Complaining.
Whenever we are not getting what we want in a relationship, our instinct is to complain about it. “We don’t spend enough time together. When are we going to do something, just the two of us? Why do you always have something else to do?”
Or maybe your complaining is a little more subtle like, “I wish we could spend more time together. It would be nice if you planned something for us to do.”
Either way, your husband registers it as a complaint.
He senses that you don’t approve of him, and that he’s failing you in some way.
The male ego is very fragile, and so the best way to inspire him to spend time with you is to stop complaining and start appreciating. This can be as simple as “I loved when we did… or I really enjoy spending time with you.”
This is just the first step.
Keep reading.
#2. Stop Projecting.
There is a psychological phenomenon called projecting. It’s where you make assumptions about what someone else is thinking/feeling, but really, it’s what you think/feel.
So if you think you are not a priority to your husband, what you really need to look at is how your husband is not a priority to you. Your ego will protect you into thinking this is not the case, but if you are TRULY open and honest with yourself, there are plenty of moments where something else comes before your husband.
The kids.
Your work.
Facebook.
Getting your nails done.
Honestly look within to see the ways you’ve already been sending him signals that he’s not a priority to you. Admitting this to yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do in order to create a shift.
#3. Find What You Want.
Our minds are like machines. If you tell your brain that you are not a priority to your husband, it will deliver to you an abundance of evidence proving you right. This also works in the opposite direction. If you start telling yourself that you are a priority to your husband, it will then go to work to find all the ways THIS is true.
But again, the ego will resist wanting to do this work. You’ve become so comfortable being in the victim role and not getting the attention you desire. But I assure you if you just start to actively look for what you want, you will find some example, no matter how small, that will come to mind. That’s all you need. Grab it and keep building upon it.
#4. Be Someone He Wants to Be Around.
Okay, let’s take an honest look at yourself here. What percentage of time do you think you are truly being someone you husband would want to be around? What percentage of the day are you happy, kind to him, fun to be around? Or are you more in the space of being exhausted, stressed out, aggravated and confrontational?
Your mood and your energy matters.
And the more quickly you can start taking responsibility for the way you have been showing up, the better.
If he loved being around you when you were dating, what has changed about you now that it’s no longer the case?
Get to work being your BEST. That may mean healing some old wounds, letting go of resentment and learning to truly forgive. Whatever it is, that’s your work to do.
#5. Be Available.
You are probably unconscious to the ways you are emotionally and physically unavailable to your husband. When you reunite at the end of your work day, are you welcoming? Are you available or are you running around like a chicken with your head cut off? After the kids are off to bed, are you available, or are you already knocked out, or mindlessly watching TV or scrolling on social media?
He is never going to interrupt you no matter how many times you tell him he can. His brain doesn’t operate that way.
Make a commitment to give him your undivided attention. Be interested in what he has to say, and be interested and excited about what you have to say. I taught this to one of my clients and in a matter of weeks she and her husband were back to sleeping in the same room together.
These are the things you want to always keep in mind because they make such a difference.
There are countless books and tons of research backing these strategies.
They seem simple when you read it.
But applying it and consistently practicing these things is completely different.
Even I had to get help with this.
I had someone there to show me these things and to help me remove my own blind spots.
Even though I knew these things on a deep intellectual level, I was not actively applying them in any regular way. I needed to change my mindset so that doing these more productive actions in service of my marriage became second nature.
If any of this feels like an uphill battle for you its because you don’t have the right beliefs and way of thinking to make it easy.
There’s no shame in that.
Beliefs, like anything, have to be cultivated and developed.
It’s something you can learn to do and eventually master.
As a coach, I can have a conversation with someone and identify the exact limiting belief that’s keeping them stuck where they don’t want to be.
And then I can help them chip away at that belief and replace it with more helpful and productive thoughts that provide them with motivation and encouragement to start building their minds to believe something else.
And ultimately create a marriage where they feel like a priority to their husband.
As you read each of the five points above though, you probably had some thought about them.
Maybe it was, “I already do that”.
Or “I don’t want to do that.”
Or “I don’t know how to do that.”
Or, “I don’t think that’s really what’s happening.”
Or maybe you though, “Yes, but if my husband would just….”
It’s this very thinking that makes it hard for you to make the progress you want.
Your brain will convince you that you are doing everything you can do. That you’re trying as hard as you can.
That’s the worst thing you could tell yourself.
Because then there is nothing left to do to make things better. You’re doing it already and it’s not working. The end.
But I want you to start asking “What if there was more I could do?”
And then read the five points above again with a more open mind.
THESE are the only solutions you need.
They are always found within you.
Never in trying to change your husband.
Put yourself as the priority in making your marriage better. And you’ll soon see how you were the priority all along.
Love, Always
Dr. Chavonne
P.S. I send powerful content like this almost every day. If you could use the right guidance and advice as you navigate this tough season of your marriage, sign up to be included on my email list!
P.S.P. If you are looking for a professional to help you truly apply this work in order to finally make some progress in your marriage, reach out and book a complimentary call with me.
We will speak directly and I’ll show you the exact thinking that keeps you stuck and how you can start seeing things from a different and more helpful perspective.
You can go from not feeling like a priority to your husband, to having mid-day lunch dates together.
Let me teach you a different way.
It works so much better.
