RelateAble

Love languages.

That’s what this week’s challenge was all about. Learning how to communicate your love in a way your spouse can best understand and receive.

And I know some of you may be saying, “But I don’t feel like it!”

I don’t like to be all touchy feely. (physical touch)

I don’t have the time to spend time together right now. (quality time)

I don’t know what to get him as a token of my love. (receiving gifts)

I don’t feel like showering him with compliments and words of affection. (words of affirmation)

I don’t want to go out of my way to do something nice. (acts of service)

If that’s you, I hope by the end of this post, you’ll be inspired to think about it differently. So the reason I believe it’s so critical that we stretch ourselves to demonstrate love in the way we know works best for our spouse is simple: the more love you give, the more love you receive. Here are 3 points that further explain what I mean.

 

1. People can’t give what they don’t have.

My husband sometimes asks me, “How full is your love tank today?” We learned this concept from reading the 5 Love Languages. It’s a simple question that immediately causes me to take stock of the degree to which I am “feeling the love” from him. And my response immediately lets him know whether he should make an extra effort to show his love or if we’re going pretty good. I find that when my love tank is low, which for me means I could use more words of love and affirmation, that I don’t act very loving toward him. I can become a little distant. And in very subtle ways, withdraw my love from him. I have to work really hard to not get stuck in this place and to be transparent about what’s going on.

The reason is that it’s really hard to give something that you don’t have. When you are not experiencing love from someone, it’s really difficult to express it to that same person.

But you know what’s even harder?

Trying to generate love when both of you are feeling as though your love tank is on empty. Ever been there?

It’s like trying to drive a car that’s run out of gas.

You can’t.

At some point you either have to walk yourself to the gas station, or you call AAA to come and help you. Well, consider me your AAA. And for this week, I’m going to give you a lift to the gas station. You’re going to find a way to put a little gas in your tank and get your car started again. Go back to thinking about how grateful you are for your husband. Remember that you, too can work on becoming a better partner.

If you are running on empty, someone has to take the first step to get going again.

And that person is you.

If you can take an initial step to reach out to your husband in a way that you know he will receive, you can make huge progress in getting things started again. By slowly filling his love take in his primary love language, you help him have something to give you in return.

 

2. You create room to receive more…and better.

If you find yourself withholding your love, or holding on to past hurts and disappointment, you leave no room for something better to come in. You don’t have any space to receive an even stronger love.

It’s kinda like trying to jam some new clothes into your closet. (I’m on a roll with the analogies!). You know what I mean. The clothes rack is already filled to the brim, and when you try to find something, it takes all your energy to move the clothes out of the way to create just enough space to pull that shirt out.

Now, imagine you’ve just won the chance to go on a mini shopping spree, but what you can buy is based on what you can fit in your closet. What do you do? You clean out that closet right?! You take stock of whether some of the old stuff in there is worth holding on to. You think about who you could give your clothes to. Clearing out that closet becomes priority number 1. And you are happy to do so. After all, you are going to get more, and better.

Well consider this week’s challenge your love shopping spree. That the love you will receive is proportional to the love you give. Only when it comes back to you, it will be fresh, new, and better.

You’ve got to let go of what no longer serves you.

You’ve got to stretch yourself to think creatively about how give more love (in his love language) to your husband.

Something better is trying to get in.

 

3. You get more love in more ways.

Rarely do both people in a marriage speak the exact same love language. And I believe that’s by design. If we both spoke and understood love in the same language, we would be so limited in our ability to show and accept love.

By expanding and appreciating the endless ways love can be given and received, you get to experience love constantly. Every time your husband treats you to something, says a kind word, wants to be intimate, helps you out, or spend times with you, you can now see those things as a consistent demonstration of love and affection. No longer do you have to wait for just one of those things to happen to feel loved. It’s happening all the time. We just have to expand our understanding of what love can look like to fully receive it.

Consider the 5 love languages, your love buffet. The possibilities are truly endless. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I go to a buffet, I’m a little more open to trying things I might not normally order off the menu. I’ve paid good money, and I want to taste a little of everything because it’s all there for me. And lots of times, when I try something new, I discover that I actually like it. And I leave the buffet happy and FULL.

Wouldn’t you like to be happy and full of LOVE?

OK, so I’ve given you a lot of analogies this post. You got a car that needs gas, a closet that needs more space and now a buffet that’s offering you a variety of goodies. So, in keeping in line with this week’s theme, Speak His Love Language – I’m encouraging you to fill his tank up, go on a love shopping spree, and try all the love your heart can hold.

Expand your love language. Be sure it includes one that matters most to your husband. Email me and let me know!

Until next time love,

 

It’s the second week of our challenge and I am thrilled that you are hanging in there with me! So, as a reminder, this week’s challenge is all about looking in the mirror – examining ourselves and what we can do to become a better partner.

It’s so easy to focus in on all the things our husband may be doing wrong and the ways we’d like him to grow. The fact is, we have no control over what he does or doesn’t do. And when we spend our energy looking outside of ourselves for happiness we miss the power that already lies within ourselves to create our own happiness.

This week we are practicing looking inward. Being able to look at ourselves honestly and with compassion is a huge skill that will dramatically improve the way we experience our marriages. The goal is not to beat ourselves up, rather to put ourselves in a position of power and control of who we want to be. If there are things you don’t like, you are the only person able to change it.

So, I’ll ask you, who do you want to be?

What qualities do you want others to see in you?

This week’s challenge will help you focus in on making that happen for yourself. And it starts with looking in the mirror.

Here are 3 reasons why you’ll benefit from taking a longer look in the mirror this week.

1. You become empowered to change.

If you are not aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and their impact on others, there is no way you can change them. You can’t change what you are not willing to see. By taking a good look in the mirror at how you are showing up, you get to see what you like and what you don’t like. When you examine yourself, do you like how you are being? If the answer is no, instead of feeling defeated and telling yourself, “well that’s how I’ve always been” or “I’m too set in my ways to change” challenge yourself and your old way of thinking. Instead shift your thinking into something like this:

I am powerful beyond my own imagination.

I can overcome any issue that’s holding me back.

Every day I’m alive is a new chance to become the person I want to be.

I can do hard things.

The only way you’ll make a shift in your marriage or any area in your life is by thinking and doing something different. If you continue to act the same way all the time, you’ll get the same results. Every time. So claim your power, stop making excuses and make it happen for yourself.

2. You become less defensive.

I find that when someone gives me negative or constructive feedback, depending on my mood and how it’s delivered, I can react in a number of ways. If I feel like they are pointing the finger, and that they are in no position to judge me, I get very defensive. And angry. How dare you judge me in that way? Who do you think you are? And then I want to point out all the things that are wrong with them.

Maybe you can relate.

Feeling defensive makes you all tight inside. Your heart beats faster, you get all hot, and your blood starts to boil. You quickly lose your composure, overreact and either explode or shut down. And that’s no fun at all.  Who wants to feel that way?

When we are able to truly see ourselves, all the good and the bad, in complete honesty, others can point out our bad side and we don’t have to become defensive. When we’ve already seen it for ourselves, there’s nothing to defend or get upset about. It’s true and there’s nothing to argue about. For example, I know that I am very impatient. P.S. – that is the one thing I’m working on this week. And when my husband points it out, I don’t take offence. He’s stating a fact about me, just as if he was saying I have black hair. I can’t argue with it. On the flip side, when we know something about ourselves is not true, when someone points it out, we don’t have to waste any energy defending it. They are mistaken. And it’s too bad for them. Simple as that.

The truth is, we only become defensive when others point out something about us that we don’t want to see. When we’ve already acknowledged that thing about ourselves, and we are actively working to improve it, the reminder can serve as motivation to keep moving in that direction.

3. You become accepting of who you really are.

Can you imagine accepting yourself totally and completely? Having unconditional love for who you are right now, at this very moment? Flaws and all?

It’s something I constantly aspire to. As it relates to my appearance, every morning, I look and the mirror and try to love my body. After the birth of my daughter last year, it looks SO different and there are many things I’d like to change. But I accept it, I don’t beat myself up and I try to remember that it did something miraculous. And then I work on making it even better.

I do the same thing when it comes to my personality. There are many areas I would like to work on. But before I can do that, I have to accept them as they are now, and remind myself that I’m doing the best I can.

And that’s true for you too. You are doing the best you can.

When we are able to look at ourselves honestly, and with love and compassion, we see how vulnerable and fragile we really are. Sure we may have a tough exterior, but inside we just want to be loved, understood and accepted. We think that if our husband would just pay more attention, show more affection, be less critical, that we will be happy. But the reason we look for that outside validation is because we haven’t always done the hard work of validating ourselves. You have to believe you are an amazing, worthy, and lovable person. And when you feel that at your core, it radiates from you, and you will receive it in return.

So I hope this week’s challenge is really received in the spirit with which it is intended. This is not about pointing the finger at you and making you feel bad about yourself. Just the opposite. It’s all about helping put you back in control of how you show up to yourself and to your marriage. You have to do you. And in doing so, make sure you are fabulous!

Email me and let me know what 1 thing you are working on to become a better partner this week. I’d love to support you!

Until next time,

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re just settling in to sleep after a long and exhausting day. Your pillow feels so good and you cannot wait to get to sleep.

Then, slowly, slowly, your husband inches his way over to you. Wraps his arms around your belly, and nuzzles his head on your neck.

Oh. No.

You shift your position trying to give him the signal that now is not the time.

He doesn’t get the hint. He starts caressing you.

But you are just not in the mood.

You want nothing more than for him to go to his side of the bed and to leave you alone.

What do you do? Do you give in, just to appease him? Do you turn him away and bruise his fragile ego? I’m sure your answer depends on the day.

You know, sex is a funny thing.

On the one hand, it can be the most amazing physical and emotional experience. The pleasure you feel is sometimes beyond words.

Then on the other hand, as a busy woman juggling more things that you can bear, being intimate with your husband feels like another task to be added to your to-do list that saps you of your energy.

It probably happens more times than you’d like to admit, but we all have times where we are just not in the mood. But if you are finding it’s happening more and more, it’s something to look in to.

I recently did a Periscope on this topic and felt it was so important, I wanted to also do a blog post.

Here are 4 reasons you are just not in the mood, and what to do about them.

 

1.You are just plain tired.

You give, give, and give to so many people – your children, your employer, your family, your home – and sometimes at the end of the day, there is just not that much left over for your husband. You’ve gotten up early, made lunches and cooked breakfast, made sure everyone had what they needed. Then you headed to work, sat in countless meetings, discussing a million and one things you need to do. Then you sat in rush hour traffic, picked up the kids, shuffled them to their activities, pulled (or picked up) something together for dinner. Once you walk in the door, the only date you have is with the TV and your bed…and maybe Facebook or Instagram.

It’s totally normal to be tired after a long day. And the truth of the matter is you make time for the things that are important to you. In the moment, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to put off sex because you are tired. I mean your husband should understand that, right? And honestly, you are thinking, “if you would help out more, then I might not be so tired” so in some ways, he’s partly to blame.

Not. True.

Sometimes (not all the time), being tired is a state of mind, rather than a physical reality. The body is an amazing thing, and the energy will come. Think about all the times you wanted to press snooze, but you got up anyway. When you wanted to skip the gym, but you went anyway. When you really wanted your baby to sleep, but you stayed up anyway. You pushed through because of your mindset. You were committed to doing whatever it was that needed to be done. The same can happen here. Make up in your mind that you are committed to making time for intimacy. Affirm in your thoughts that you have the energy and that it is worth the effort. All behaviors first take place in the mind. So get your mind right!

 

2. His approach is just all wrong.

OK, so we all know that it doesn’t take much for men to get in the mood. They are usually a willing partner at a moment’s notice. But for us, it’s not that simple. A simple look, kiss, or tap on the backside just does not do it. He’s got to put in a little more effort.  Sometimes, foreplay can get the job done, but lots of other times, it’s in the way he makes you feel emotionally. Recently, my husband and I were watching our wedding video and I told him, “I want you to look at me like you did during our first dance.” To me, that visual told me he was sooooo in love. And feeling that your husband is sooooo in love with you, that he thinks you are the most beautiful, sexy woman he’s ever seen, that he thinks about you all the time, that there is no one else in the world he’d rather than sex with, is everything you need to want to give yourself to him.

So, what I want to encourage you to do, is to be transparent and crystal clear about what works for you – physically and/or emotionally. And do so only in the positive. Focus on what your husband does right that gets you in the mood as opposed to what you want him to stop doing (unless he asks) You can start by saying any of the following:

“I really like it when you…”

“When you…. it makes me feel so…”

“I really want you to…”

At the end of the day, he wants to give you what you want. There is no better stroke of the male ego than to feel that he’s done just what you need him to do.

 

3. You don’t feel sexy.

Maybe you are carrying a few extra pounds. Or maybe after the birth of your children, your body is just not what it used to be. You are distracted by your physical appearance and really want to get yourself together. I get it. I am there right now. You don’t really like the way you look in the mirror, and you carry that thinking with you in the bedroom. You want to hide yourself instead of exposing all of your imperfections. You want the lights off and the whole thing to be over as quickly as possible.

I’m sure you know this already, but he doesn’t care. He still thinks you are beautiful, even if you don’t. We are our own worst critics and while you may be a little softer and rounder in some areas, you still feel like home to him. He still desires you, and you still do it for him. But all of that doesn’t matter until you are able to tap into your beauty and sexiness for yourself. It starts with finding the small things that can really make a difference.

Now while you can’t snap your fingers and be 30 pounds lighter, you can start thinking about the things that do make you feel pretty, feminine and attractive. Maybe it’s getting a nice manicure and pedicure. Maybe it’s getting your hair done. Maybe it’s a trip to Victoria’s Secret or Bath and Body Works or the MAC counter. Maybe it’s a pair of heels. Maybe it’s listening to a sexy song and dancing like Beyonce, if only in your mind! LOL! Whatever it is, find that thing that sparks the sexiness for yourself. Then throughout the day, think about kissing your husband as passionately as you see on TV, think about his touch, or listen to your favorite love songs. Being sexy is a state of mind and has less to do with how you look. So again, I say, get your mind right.

 

4. You don’t feel connected.

Sex is the most intimate experience two people can share. But when you feel disconnected and distant from your spouse, it’s often the last thing on your mind. Maybe your lives have gotten really busy, or maybe he hurt your feelings and you have not recovered, maybe you don’t feel appreciated, maybe you feel ignored. Maybe you feel more like roommates than husband and wife. Maybe you can’t even put your finger on it, but things just feel off.

Disconnection in a relationship is really the result of tiny decisions you make each day. The decision to wish each other a good day or not, the decision to send a text or make a quick phone call to let your spouse know you are thinking about them or not, it’s in the way you greet each other when you return home from time apart, the way you listen or fail to listen to what’s really being said, the decision to hold off on doing something else so you can spend time together. Couples don’t just wake up one day and feel like strangers. It’s a slow gradual process that many watch happen, but don’t have the tools to do something different, or lack the confidence that their efforts will make a difference.

The good news are there are tools, and your efforts will make a difference. It just requires the same consistent patterns of positive interactions, as those old patterns of negative interactions that created the disconnection in the first place. I could do an entire blog post on how to build connection (and I will), but for now, the first thing I suggest you do is to acknowledge to your spouse that there is a sense of disconnection, and that you would like to work on making your relationship better.

Be clear that you are willing to put for the effort.

Ask for his ideas on what might help and share your ideas.

Then I want you to focus on one action you will begin to take on a consistent basis to rebuild your bond. Maybe it’s spending 5-10 minutes each day with uninterrupted time asking your spouse about their day. If you need some conversation prompts, I’ve developed a free tool you can get by clicking right here  => Click here for 31 Great Questions

Maybe it’s selecting a TV show that you can both enjoy watching together each week. Maybe it’s deciding to go to bed at the same time together one night, or maybe it’s cutting off the social media and email for an evening.  Just do something, even a small action carried out consistently can make a huge difference.

If you take nothing else from this post, please try very hard to really identify what is the real reason you are not in the mood. Spend a few minutes really thinking about it. What’s going on for you? Be honest.

And then share that with your husband. Your lack of communication on the issue is likely to lead to greater issues, especially if you reject his advances with no explanation. In those instances, the only thing he’s telling himself is that you no longer desire him. He only feels the rejection. But if you can be honest with him about what’s happening for you, and together work on a plan to make things better, you open the door to all the passion and intimacy that deep down you really want to create.

So, how did I do? If you found anything in this post helpful, please share it with a friend. She’ll thank you for it, I’m sure!

P.S Are you in my Happily Married Woman Group? It’s private, free to join and you’ll be among a community of women who are dedicated to creating a marriage they love. You’ll find me there every day providing extra motivation and support. Whether you are a happily married now, or hope to reclaim the happiness you once knew, this group is for you! Join us by clicking HERE!

 

 

“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” ~Napoleon Hill

The quote above has been said in many different ways by many different people. One of the reasons it’s so popular, is because it’s true. You’ll find this concept in nearly every religion and from anyone who had achieved true greatness in their lives.

In order to have something you want, you have to believe it’s possible.

This week’s challenge was all about Living out Your Dream for your marriage.

What are you dreaming about?

What do you want to be a reality?

What possibility do you now see?

For just a quick second, close your eyes.

Fix your mind on what you want your marriage to be.

Focus in on how you and your spouse interact with each other.

Imagine what it feels like.

Talk as if it’s already so.

Act as if it’s certain.

Feels good doesn’t it? Even if only for a moment.

If you tried this challenge, I’m sure at some point, your mind was filled with reasons why your dream may never come true. Or maybe you begin to doubt what you really want is feasible. Maybe it seems totally unrealistic. Maybe you think the amount of work it would take is exhausting. That your spouse will never change. That you don’t have the energy to turn things around.

Well, I’m telling you right now, with love and kindness, to STOP IT.

If you want it, it’s yours to have.

If you can dream it up, there’s a way to make it happen.

And you cannot give up.

Here are 3 encouraging messages and questions I want to leave with you.

1. You can do anything you set your mind to do.

I love the quote, “she believed she could, so she did.” It’s so straightforward and simple. If you believe you can, you will. If you believe you can’t, you won’t. There’s little more to say. Whatever you believe, you create – whether it’s through your actions or lack of actions – you are writing the story of your life with the tiny decisions you make every day.

This idea is the main foundation for this week’s challenge. There is nothing holding you back except yourself. Sure, it’s easy to say, “but my husband does this…” or “he will never do that…”. And that type of thinking robs you of your own power. You are in control of you. You have the ability to make things happen for yourself. If you want to be happier in your marriage, you are the only person capable of making that happen. You’ve just got to get your mind right to do so.

Question for you: What do your actions in your marriage show you believe?

 

 2. You deserve all the happiness your heart can hold.

Sometimes we unconsciously sabotage our dreams because we don’t really believe we are worthy. We think that other people who are prettier, wealthier, friendlier, more whatever (fill in the blank) are the only ones who can have what we’d like.

We scroll on Facebook and see pictures of our friends having fun, enjoying date nights, vacations, expressing heartfelt love for each other, and we think, “Oh, they are so lucky. They must be having so much fun. Their life must be so great.” We idealize what we see on social media or on TV (I mean who doesn’t want the passion shared between Olivia and Fitz) and think, I’ll never have anything like that.

Or maybe you think back to how things used to be, when you and your husband were first together. How you could spend hours talking to each other, and you were SO excited to see each other. Maybe now you think you won’t be that happy again.

The truth is you will never pursue something you don’t think you deserve. When you believe you are not worthy, you unknowingly punish yourself and allow any obstacle to stand in the way of what you want. You sit down. You say nothing. You accept it as your lot in life.

Question for you: What do you believe you deserve in your marriage?

 

 3. The love that brought you together, still exists.

Somewhere, beneath all the arguments, the disappointment, the frustration and anger, is a deep and lasting love. You found each other, out of all the people in the world, and made a commitment to spend the rest of your lives together. You did so out of love. You believed that nothing would change the way you felt about him. You accepted that while he was imperfect, he was still perfect for you. And over time you may have come to see different sides of your husband that break your heart or lead you to feel angry, but the only reason you have those emotions is because you love him.

Love doesn’t actually go away. It’s forever. There may be times when you can’t access it, or where it seems like a distant memory, but it’s always there. Waiting for you. You get to choose it at any time.

Now, I may sound like a hopeless romantic, but it’s much deeper than that. Challenges in a marriage result because some emotional need is not being met. Usually it has to do with how one person or the other experiences love. A comment in the wrong tone of voice, or a lapse in memory can trigger emotions that say, “you don’t really love me.” But that’s all in our mind and is a result of the story we choose to tell ourselves.

Underneath it all, the love is still there. You must feel it, or you wouldn’t have joined this challenge. Now you’ve just got to keep the love on top. Find it when it’s hard to see (Notice the Good). Reflect it from deep within (Look in the Mirror). Express it when it’s running low (Speak His Love Language). Create it with your words and actions (Live Out Your Dream).

Question for you: How will you keep the love alive?

What’s Next?

As you probably know, this is the last and final week of our challenge. I hope you had fun and that you made some meaningful progress in your marriage. I’m so grateful you were on this journey with me.

The good news is our time together does not have to end here. I will be back on Monday (August 3) with a BONUS video challenge. There I’ll describe something really exciting that I created just for my Love on Top Challenge Members. You are going to want to hear all about how together we can make your dream marriage a reality.

Stay tuned!!

The practice of gratitude is so essential to creating a happy and more loving marriage that I wanted to start our challenge with this principle. Didn’t get a chance to be in my love challenge? No worries, new ones will be coming in 2016!

A key ingredient to improving our marriages and relationship with our spouse is being able to put ourselves in position of gratitude and thankfulness. That may be hard to believe if you are in a really difficult place, and it may seem on the surface that you have little to be grateful for. But by completing this challenge and focusing on the good, we open ourselves and our heart up to receiving even more of what we really want. Here are three ways gratitude can transform your marriage:

1. It helps you focus on what’s working.

In the busyness of our lives, it’s easy to forget the things that are going well in our marriage, and much easier to focus on all the things that are going wrong. I’m sure you can complete this sentence “If he would just…” with 1,001 things you wish your husband would do differently.

Over time, we begin to tell ourselves certain stories about our spouses. He’s selfish, he doesn’t help out as much as he should, he doesn’t consider my needs, and the list goes on and on. When we think that way, everything our husband does is seen through the filter of those thoughts. We begin to see the ways he’s selfish all the time, we start keeping score of how much more we are doing than him, or we ruminate over all the ways he doesn’t give us the attention we crave.

This week, I wanted you to create a new story that is full of all of the things that are going well and all the wonderful things about your husband that are not always in the front of your mind. By focusing on what’s positive, and looking for what’s working well, you literally create new pathways in your brain that help you to experience your marriage and interactions with your spouse in a more positive light. You begin to re-notice the things that are great about your relationship (even if it’s far from perfect) and you can see more clearly the things your husband is doing right that maybe you don’t always give him credit for.

By looking at the positive and making it a daily habit you literally train your mind to think differently. And over time it becomes easier and easier such that when things are not going so well, your mind is full of good thoughts so that you can navigate those times a little easier. Think of it like a savings account. You are storing up positive thoughts so that when you need them, they are available and you don’t become overdrawn, or in the case of our marriage, withdrawn.

2. It makes you happier, more generous, compassionate and loving.

The impact of gratitude on your own happiness is really quite direct. If you focus on the positive, you feel better and are happier. When you feel happier, you are nicer, more giving and more loving.

It’s as simple as that.

Think about how you feel when you receive really good news or an unexpected surprise. You smile. You feel lighter. It just feels good! And you want others around you to feel the same.

Consider gratitude a gift to yourself, something you’ve been dreaming of only to realize you already have it! Identifying the things about your spouse for which you are grateful can immediately make you feel more positive about him and helps you to see the gifts in him that he shares with you.

Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading expert on gratitude, describes it as a social emotion and one that helps us to see how we’ve been supported and affirmed by other people. When you feel grateful, you want to “pay it forward” because you feel fortunate for what you have. Being thankful makes you realize that there are many other people who would cherish the blessings that you have and helps to remind us that we are fortunate even though our situation may not be ideal. So as you count the things for which you are grateful in your marriage, you go to that “happy place” where your heart is full of generosity, compassion and most important, love.

3. It helps your spouse feel appreciated.

The outward expression of gratitude can certainly work wonders. Think about how amazing you feel when someone acknowledges your kindness, your efforts, your contribution. Appreciation sends our brain signals that we are on the right track, that we are worthy, and good. And it motivates us to continue along that path and even to put forth more effort.

The research on positive reinforcement is profound. We often think about it with our children. We want to encourage them to “keep up the good work” or to “always try their best” and there will be some reward.

But what about our husbands? How are we showing appreciation?

Sometimes it’s easy to get into the mindset that he’s just doing what he’s supposed to do and that we don’t have to express gratitude for the basics. So what if he works hard at his job; that’s what he’s supposed to do. What’s the big deal that he fixes things around the house or takes care of the car – that’s a man’s job.

Well what if he didn’t do it?

Then what?

Part of the goal of this week’s challenge was to encourage you to take nothing for granted because nothing you have is promised.

If you want your husband to do more, to be more present and attentive with you, you have to first be grateful for what you have. When he feels like he can’t get it right, he’s not going to try. When he feels like his efforts are noticed and valued, he will feel good and want to continue pleasing you.

So today, share with your spouse, something for which you are grateful…say it, email it, text it, post it on Facebook, write it in a note. Whatever works for you will work wonders for your marriage.

I could go on and on about the concept of gratitude. But for now, I’ll just leave you with two quotes:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Want to read more about the practice of gratitude? Check out these resources! (Just hoover over and click!)

Love, Honor, and Thank

Why Gratitude is Good

Gratitude is for Lovers

The Neuroscience of Why Gratitude Makes Us Healthier

The Science Behind Gratitude

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits of Gratitude

 

Yours in gratitude,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK, be honest with me.

Have you ever asked yourself ANY of the following questions:

Why does he always do that?

What in the world was he thinking?

Why can’t he just do the one thing I ask?

What will it take to make him change?

Why can’t he just do his part?

It’s ok if you have.

In a moment of frustration, anger or disappointment, it’s easy to ask yourself these types of questions. And the wonderful things about our mind is, it will come up with great answers.

Because he is stubborn.

He was only thinking about himself.

Because he doesn’t care about what you need.

It will take a miracle for him to change.

Because he’s selfish.

These questions and the answers that follow have the power to dramatically influence the way we begin to see our mate. They fuel our upset, help us justify our position, making him wrong and ourselves right. And sometimes, it feels good. We vent, and complain, and get really comfortable at our pity party where he’s doing everything wrong, and we are the blameless victims of his inappropriate behavior.

I’ve done it many times before and so have my clients.

But I’ve learned that there are other questions I could ask that actually make me feel a whole lot better. Questions that help to remind me of the person I love most, why I chose him over all the others and why he is my very best friend in the world.

If you are in a place of seeing your husband as your enemy instead of the love of your life, ask yourself these 5 questions and observe how your perspective changes.

What quality about him that I loved when we first met, is still true today?

What’s something he does better than anyone else I know?

What’s something he does for me or our family that I’ve started to take for granted?

What’s something I’ve grown to appreciate about him more and more?

What’s a strength he has that compliments one of my weaknesses?

These questions, considered Empowering Questions, can really set your mind to focus on the positive, to find something worth being grateful for even in really difficult moments. And just as you’ve trained yourself to ask the questions listed at the beginning of this post, you can train yourself to ask these new questions.

It just takes practice.

If you’re interested in more, check out my 21 Days of Empowering Questions. Each morning, you can start your day with one of these questions and begin to see your husband as the wonderful person you first fell in love with.

CLICK HERE  ==> 21 Days of Empowering Questions <==

And if you want to go even further, I’d love to coach you! This month, I’m offering a FREE 30-minute Marriage MakeOver coaching session. It’s our chance to talk over the phone, and I’ll provide you with some effective ways to set your mind to create a marriage and relationship with your husband that you love.

Learn More About Your FREE Marriage MakeOver Coaching Session HERE!

If you found this helpful, leave a comment and share this post with a friend.

And if we are not connected via email, let’s change that! Get on my list by adding your name below.

Yours in relating well,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you walked down the aisle and said I do, how did you imagine your life together would look? Did you expect your love to only grow over time? Did you think your happiest moments would always outweigh the most difficult ones? Did you believe that love conquers all?

No matter what the vision of your marriage was on your wedding day, as real life, arguments, misunderstandings, disappointment, resentment, busy schedules, children and other things come up, the fondness, love and closeness you once felt diminishes. It’s natural. And for many couples, rebounding and getting the marriage and relationship with each other back on solid ground eventually happens.

But how do you know if you are there yet? How do you know if what’s happening is a small bump in the road, or a huge pothole you won’t get out of?

And more importantly, what do you do about it?

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself along with tips and recommendations for what to do if you find your answer is “yes”.

1. Do you feel disconnected?

There probably was a time in your marriage or relationship where you could not have felt closer. Where you could talk for hours, really enjoyed each other’s company, and felt so in tune with each other. Then somewhere along the way, slowly, distance set in. Maybe you both got busy. Maybe you never really resolved that conflict. Maybe that misunderstanding was a huge turning point. And that distance grew larger as you both got busier and became used to not spending much time together. At first you missed him, but then you began to see the situation as meaning he doesn’t care about spending time together and that you are not important. So now, you operate in parallel lives. You are doing your thing while he is doing his. And now it feels like you are roommates instead of a united couple. He doesn’t really feel like your friend, and certainly not your best friend. You’d rather talk to almost anyone else about your day and the things you are proud and happy about, as well as your fears and worries. You no longer want to put yourself out there for fear of rejection or criticism. Or maybe you think he just doesn’t even care.

What to Do: The only way to rebuild connection is to rebuild connection. Small steps, consistent actions, even when it’s hard, and even when you don’t want to. Send a text, write a note, invite yourself on an errand, call just to say you were thinking about him. If you take tiny steps to connect – you know, those things that you used to do when you were first dating – reconnecting with each other will be a lot easier.

2. Does everything else come first?

Think about your day or your week. How do you spend your time? I’ll guess it’s some combination of going to work, taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, running errands, watching TV, surfing the internet, checking Facebook, talking with friends, exercising, sleeping, etc. And I’m sure there are times when you might say, “if nothing else, I’ve got to get “x,y,z” done. What is your “x, y, z”? Does any of it include something to keep your marriage strong? Or does prioritizing your marriage and husband come much further down the list? It’s so easy to say, I’ll spend time with my husband or take time to work on my marriage later. When things settle down. When I have more time. When I’m in the mood. And guess, what? The time goes, and months later you are saying the same thing. Needing to make a living and being a good parent are essentials. No one would argue with that. But what could you do to begin to see being a good wife, or having a healthy marriage as an essential too?

What to Do: Today, find a way to put your marriage first. DVR that TV show, put your phone down, save 15 minutes after the kids are in bed. Or find a way to take care of the “essentials” together.

 3. Do you feel like enemies?

Maybe you can relate. It seems like your spouse does things just to annoy you or get on your nerves. Almost everything he says is intended to hurt you or question what you do. A lot of times he says things just for the sake of arguing. You feel criticized and defensive around most of his comments. It seems like he’s just out to get you. If any of these describe your situation, it’s likely you’ve gotten to a place of feeling more like enemies and opponents. Your mind has been trained to see all the ways he means you harm, all the ways you are not working as a team. If you are willing to, making some small shifts in how you chose to see things will work wonders. If you can fight through all the negativity and look for the ways he is helpful, you will feel better and your interactions will be less confrontational.

What to Do: Write down a list of at least 3 things he has done or said in the last month that have been helpful or supportive. Repeat, again and again. Then find and do 1 little thing each day for him that he would find helpful.

4. Do you rarely have sex?

It’s no secret that for many couples, the frequency of sex diminishes over time. Your life becomes busier, the children need more of your time and attention, your home has to be maintained and cleaned. And all of this leaves you too exhausted for sex. But if the thought of being intimate with your husband feels like something to “just get over with” or you feel no connection or joy out of the act, there is a much larger intimacy issue at play. Maybe you feel a bit used like you are there to fulfill his physical needs while he’s ignoring your emotional needs. Maybe it feels like just one more obligation and the quicker it’s over the better. Maybe you can’t even remember the last time you had sex. In these instances, what may be helpful is to spend time creating connection and intimacy that don’t involve sex.

What to Do: Share that you are having a hard time in this area, and that you want to work to fix it. Ask him what he thinks about your sex life, and share with him your thoughts in a kind and loving way that’s focused on making it better, not just complaining. Then try little ways to connect physically – maybe it’s touching as you pass each other, holding hands, sitting close together on the couch, laying close together in the bed. You’ll know what can work for you.

5. Do you have poor communication?

Poor communication can look like a lot of things. You hardly speak at all. You can’t seem to agree or understand each other. You argue about the same issues over and over again. You don’t keep each other in the loop. You assume things instead of just asking. You have your own agenda when you discuss certain topics. You don’t really listen to each other. You have an attitude when he asks questions. You avoid certain conversations. You make important decisions without informing each other ahead of time. Shall I go on? The truth is, you know if you have poor communication because it’s not the way you would ideally like it to be. No one gets it perfect all the time, but you recognize that you and your husband are really getting it all wrong, and more than likely it wasn’t always this way.  Communication is always listed as one of the biggest areas couples want to improve. But what I find is that before you say a word, you have to be really clear about the story that’s already going on in your own head. So many times we come to “communicate” full of assumptions, agendas, and attitudes that make really hearing and understanding each other difficult.

What to Do: Be completely transparent about what you are saying. Be sure to include all of the thoughts, logic, and ultimate goal of what you are sharing. Then ask him for his opinion, thoughts, or reactions. And really listen to his response. Repeat back what you understand, and listen for the hidden feelings he may not be communicating. You can read more on this in a previous post on Communication by clicking HERE.

6. Do you have a scorecard?

Perhaps you feel like you are doing all the work. Whether that’s maintaining your home, taking care of the kids or doing all you can to make the marriage work. If you spend your time thinking about how much more effort you are putting in, how long it’s been since he’s done…(fill in the blank) and how you get little appreciation for the things you do, you are keeping a score. And your husband will never win or catch up.

While marriage is all about teamwork, it is not about keeping score. If this is you, try to break the habit of saying “I’m always the one who” or “he never does”. It may make you feel justified in the moment, but eventually, it will lead to resentment. Have you considered there may be times where he would do more, but that you don’t create the opportunity? Or if you do, it comes along with a long list of do’s and don’ts all specific to your preferences and your timelines? I’m not trying to point the finger at you, but rather it may be helpful for you to let go of some ways of thinking for your own sanity and peace of mind. Do you really want to feel like you are doing everything and that if you don’t do it or say it, it won’t get done or said? That’s an awful lot of responsibility to shoulder. Do you always have to?

What to Do: Here you have to make the choice to continue what you’ve been doing or relinquish control so that he can. Bring up the issue and ask him what are his ideas about how to move forward? Be willing to try it, even if it’s not what you had in mind. Again, the goal here is your own sanity and peace of mind.

7. Does he seem like a different person?

If you find that so many things you used to love about your husband now annoy you to no end, if he seems a lot meaner, stubborn, or controlling, if you look at him now and think he’s almost a stranger, then you’ve got to pause and ask yourself why. Are those things really true? And if so, why? It could be that he has changed for the worse, or it could be that you have now gotten used to seeing the worst in him. There are a million different ways to interpret a comment or a behavior. There are dozens of ways to see and experience a person. But if your perception is clouded by resentment, past hurts and frustrations, and if deep down you are unhappy within yourself, you will see things one way, and one way only. You will point the finger and blame. He is the bad guy and you are the victim. You’ve programmed yourself to focus on what’s wrong. And you’ve gotten really good at it.

What to Do: My recommendation here is to challenge your own thinking. Whenever a negative thought about your husband comes to mind, challenge yourself to come up with another way of seeing it that brings you a little more peace and contentment. And focus on that.

8. Does everyone else seem happier?

It seems as though everyone else’s husband is more caring, more affectionate, more attentive. Everyone else is spending such quality time together, having fun, celebrating their love. Other people have happier marriages, support each other, and really work together as a team. And then there is you. There is your husband and your marriage that looks nothing like that. Everyone seems to be better off and you are left stuck in this mess. You may ask, “why not me too?” How did I get so unlucky? Why can’t he be more like so-and-so, or why can’t he do that too? Let me tell you, asking those questions and comparing your marriage to others will get you nowhere, but to unhappy-ville and woe-is-me-station. Stop it right now. Your marriage is not perfect. Your husband is not perfect. And you are not perfect. But something amazing brought you together in the first place. And it’s time to focus on that, and work to get it back, because somewhere it’s still there.

What to Do: Ask yourself questions that empower and inspire you. Ask, “what about my husband can I be grateful for right now?” or “how can I begin to make the most of the relationship we currently have?” Keep asking these questions again and again. Your brain will go to work to find the answer.

9. Have you stopped caring?

If you’ve ever told yourself “I can’t be bothered with this right now” or said, “I just don’t have the energy to make this work” or thought, “ what I do doesn’t even really matter anyway” you are definitely headed towards apathy and indifference. You. Just. Don’t. Care. It’s bad, but you are tired of trying to talk it out, you are exhausted from the fighting, and you’ve learned to live your life and “do you.” And while you are telling yourself you don’t really care anymore, deep down you do. As human beings, we are wired for deep and intimate connections. And the love and affection you once felt really brought you joy. Everything in life was a little more manageable, other things could be going wrong, but you still had that loving marriage which grounded you and helped you keep things in perspective. Now, you’ve been too hurt, too overlooked, too ignored, too uncared for. And you’ve put up a wall.

What to Do: Be honest with yourself. Admit that you do miss the closeness you once had. Allow yourself to feel the emotions of sadness and loneliness. Acknowledge that you do need to feel cared for, that you would like attention. But instead of being consumed by those feelings, channel them in a positive way to open the door to an important conversation. Find ways of sharing your feelings without placing blame, and identify things you can do to reach out and reconnect in small ways.

10. Do you know you need help, but haven’t done anything about it?

You probably see clearly the areas where things are not going well. And somewhere on this page is your story. You know that something has got to change, but you are not quite sure what to do. Maybe you’ve tried therapy and it didn’t really work. Or maybe your husband doesn’t even want to get any help. Maybe the situation seems a little hopeless. Or maybe you are ready to take some step to move you in the right direction. There are a lot of reasons why people don’t intervene on their own behalf. Shame. Confusion. Learning to be comfortable with the status quo. Fear. Doubt. But the truth is, you recognize that things are headed in a bad direction. And deep down you do want things to get better. That’s one of the reasons you are reading this post. Well now you have a choice. You can keep doing what you’ve been doing, watching your marriage slowly go from ok, to bad, to worse. Or you can take a step to turn things around. The time is going to pass either way.

What to Do: Take one step to get some help. Find a coach or therapist. Find a book to read. (Email me for my recommendations) Start talking to each other about what’s been going on and what you would like to see happen. Do something.

This month, I’m offering a FREE Marriage MakeOver Coaching Session. I’d love to talk with you about what’s going on, and share more tools and actions you can begin right away to create a marriage and relationship with your husband that you love.

CLICK HERE TO SCHEDULE YOUR FREE MARRIAGE MAKEOVER COACHING SESSION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And if one-on-one coaching is not for you, but you still want to do something, check out my program Getting to Happily. It’s 8 modules that will direct you to completing the steps necessary to have the happy and loving marriage you want and deserve. You can find Getting to Happily HERE.

Did you find this helpful? If so, leave a comment or share this post with a friend!

Yours in relating well,

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was my face last night.

Let me set this up for you.

As you probably know I am a new entrepreneur. And building a business is hard work. It can also be lonely work, especially when you’re used to working with a team of folks whose job it is to support you and help you make good ideas better.

So, imagine how excited I was to receive a FREE ticket to a sold out networking event in the city. My friend Christine was unable to go and had passed her ticket on to me. Awesome.

I had been on the website, looked at the pictures and imagined myself there meeting other fabulous women, making some great connections and walking away with incredible ideas to take my business to the next level.

I’m sure you can relate to how it feels to get SO excited about going to what you know will be an incredible event.

I was thrilled to be getting outside of the house.

I got my nails done, eyebrows waxed, and had my best make-up face on. I put one of my favorite outfits, my good handbag, and really cool jewelry.

I. Was. Ready. To. Go.

And you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t going to rock out this event.

Now, I was running just a teeny bit behind, and had missed the train that would have gotten me there on time, so I decided to drive.

Rushed out the house, and was on my way. SO EXCITED.

I am driving down the highway, making pretty good time, thinking about how I’ll introduce myself and describe RelateAble.

Then all of a sudden I realize something.

I had left my wallet at home. The wallet with my driver’s license. The one with my credit card, debit card, and any source of money.

At first, I thought it was some cruel joke and continued to look in my bag for something that obviously wasn’t there. Then I called my husband Schubert to check, and of course, there is was sitting on the kitchen table.

Side note: Don’t you HATE when you change bags and forget to transfer something really, really important???

This oversight on my part made attending the event almost impossible. I had gotten so far and to turn around now, meant getting back home in no less than 45 minutes, then another hour and 15 minutes to get there. Schubert was home with the baby, and I had the car with the car seat, so he couldn’t even meet me to give me the wallet. All of it amounted to being waaayyyyy late. Too late.

In that moment, when I was going full speed ahead to something I really, really wanted, and all of a sudden, something now beyond my control gets in the way, so many things happen.

First there is denial. No way is this happening. I cannot believe this. This must be a joke.

Then there is anger and blame. What the #$&*??! I cannot believe I did this. How could I have made this mistake?

Then follows sadness. I am going to miss out. Everyone else is going to have a great time. This is just not working out for me.

I literally wanted to cry.

The tears welled up making puddles at the base of my eyes. I was so disappointed. Actually, I was beyond disappointed, I was in utter despair.

I called my friend Ndidi to tell her I was not going to make it to the event. She and I are actually in the process of planning our own networking event this summer (more details on that will be coming soon). And of course, she was so disappointed too. I was supposed to learn a lot and make some great connections that would advance our event. Now I had let her down too. She tried her best to pull it together and tell me all would be ok. And I did the same for myself.

And of course, when I am faced with something difficult to deal with, I am quickly reminded that I always have a choice in how I respond. I could cry and feel really bad for myself, spend the next 3 hours imagining all the fun I am missing, and let this situation ruin my whole night. Or I could try to make the best of it, and consider it a blessing in disguise.

What do you do when something you really want is not happening for you for reasons beyond your control?

I decided to put some of my coaching principles to work and wanted to share them here with you. Here’s what I know

1. I can’t fight things beyond my control.

I had to quickly realize that there was nothing I could do to make the situation any different than it was. Going into a long drawn out dialogue about the shoula, woulda, couldas was not going to change anything. What was happening was happening and it was demanding to be accepted. Once I told myself this, I instantly felt lighter. My wallet was not going to instantly appear. Money was not going to fall out of the sky, and I was going to miss the event.

2. Circumstances don’t rule my emotions, I do.

I could have let this situation bring me down. I could have come back home angry and upset and made everyone else around me miserable too. But I know the excitement I felt just moments before was still possible…if I wanted it. I could be just as excited about a “Plan B”.

3. Things happen for me, not to me.

There is a reason for everything, whether we can see it or not. And some times the things we don’t get when we want them just means that something better is trying to make its way in. But if I allow myself to sit as a victim telling my sad, sad story, then I can’t ever see or receive what’s already waiting for me. The connections I was hoping to make are still possible even if not at that event. I have trained myself to believe the right opportunities are going to find me at the right moment. (Words of wisdom from Joel Osteen)

4. I can always make the best of it.

As I drove back home, I trained my mind to create new possibilities for how I would spend the evening. I could still have an amazing night. I would email the woman coordinating the event, ask her if we could meet 1-on-1, and try to get as much information that would be useful to me. I would enjoy a wonderful evening with my husband and my daughter. I would be grateful for the time I now had.

So, we ended up going out to dinner, I had an amazing time with my two favorite people, a great drink, and chocolate cake. Gotta have the chocolate cake. Here are some snapshots from this night.

I did actually eat food, but I devoured it so quickly and forgot to take a picture!

But back to an earlier question. What do you do when things are not happening for you for reasons beyond your control? I’d love to hear all about it! Leave me a comment.

If you liked this post and want to hear more from me, get on my email list! There I share special goodies for my very loyal RelateAble community.

One of the most common issues in marriages and relationships is the issue of communication. Maybe you can relate to one of the following sentences:

We just don’t communicate.

He doesn’t understand me.

I don’t understand him.

It seems like we are speaking two different languages.

He never communicates.

The funny thing is, we are communicating all of the time. Communication is just as much about what is actually said as what is unsaid. It’s in our tone, our assumptions, our agendas, our actions and our non-verbal cues. Not just the words that come out of our mouth.

And in my opinion one of the most important key to great communication is LISTENING.

You probably think you are a good listener. And although many times you may be multi-tasking, you hear what your husband says and can restate the main points of much of what he tells you. I always thought I was a great listener until I heard a recent talk on the subject by Dr. Neha Sangwan. There are several levels of listening that go by a variety of names. Quickly, I’ll share the gist of it with you here.

The 1^st level is closed listening where you really don’t want to hear what the other person has to say. Been there, done that. Had that argument before and not interested in having it again. You’ve probably already made up a story in your own mind about what he’s saying, and nothing will really change your mind. You’re probably not giving your full attention, nor making eye contact. It’s not listening at all.

The 2^nd level is listening with your head, where basically you are listening only to make your point and counter what the other person is saying. You are gathering together your thoughts in response to what he’s telling you and do not pause long enough to consider the message he is trying to convey. I will admit for myself (and you), guilty as charged.

The 3^rd level of listening is listening for information. You are paying attention, and may be gathering facts that will inform or answer some question. In our home this looks like making plans or listening to the details of each other’s day.

Now, here’s where it gets good, so pay attention.

The 4^th level is listening with your heart. This one struck me the most. Here you are listening to what is being said for the purpose of connecting with what your husband is feeling. What are the emotions behind what he’s saying, even if he can’t articulate them himself? Listen for emotions like sadness, frustration, confusion, overwhelm, disappointment, loneliness. Ironically, these are often the emotions that we women feel when we are in conflict. He feels them too and is expressing them to you, if you can just listen. So to do so, constantly ask yourself and get ready to hear what he is feeling.

This will require you to slow down, give your full attention, and put your own agenda aside. What’s also effective is to play back what you heard before you actually respond. You can say something like, “ok, I hear that you feel…” or “it seems like you are…” or “I’m sorry you feel…” In listening to my clients and for myself, sometimes that’s all you want the other person to say. The simple acknowledgement of what you are feeling makes a world of difference. The funny thing is that it would make a world of difference to your husband too – even if he doesn’t ask, or is aware that it does.

The 5^th type of listening is listening for what he values or cares about. If you are arguing about money, perhaps what he’s really trying to communicate is a worry or fear that you won’t have financial security when you need it most, or that it’s important to him that your family have all of the things you really need, even if that means you forego some of the things you want right now. Listening for what he values, will also require that you be patient, and open to receiving what he’s sharing. You do not take offence or focus in on what you are feeling, but tune in to him. Then play it back.

So, I know you may be asking, “But what about me? What about the times where I just want to be heard?”

You certainly are entitled to your time too. But the problem is, in marriages and relationships where you are not listening to each other, where the communication is poor, one person has to make the first step in turning things around. It’s likely that you’ve build up a lot of baggage over the years, and that when you and your husband come to any conversation, there is a lot of background noise in your head and his head based on past experiences, upset, disappointment and frustrations. In those times, it’s really hard to listen and it’s hard to be heard.

What’s really important there is to begin to unpack your bags, get rid of the resentment and other issues standing in the way of the relationship with each other you both want. And it can start with you.

I know deep down you want a relationship with your husband where you are communicating effectively, where you argue less and really enjoy spending time together. Where you feel heard, appreciated and cared for. And you deserve that.

Let’s talk about how to get there. This month, I’m offering a FREE Marriage MakeOver Coaching Session. It’s 30 minutes on the phone. Me and you. You’ll tell me what’s happening, and I’ll share some simple strategies to help you. Learn more about this FREE Marriage MakeOver Coaching Session HERE.

He really got on your nerves this time. You are so angry you don’t know what to do.

You can’t believe this has happened. You are completely and totally devastated.

How could he be so inconsiderate? Does he ever think about anyone but himself?

Where did you go wrong? How did things get so off track?

We’ve all had those moments.

When you honestly have no idea what to do.

When you desperately need someone to talk to.

When you need to vent and just get things off your chest.

When you just need a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear.

In those moments, who do you reach out to?

Your closest friend?

Your mom?

Your sister?

Your co-worker?

You can trust them, right? They can give you objective advice, right? You’ll feel better after talking to them, right? Right?

I’m not so sure.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned and that I help other women see is that talking about your marriage with other people rarely helps you solve anything. In fact, it is probably doing more harm than good. Here are 5 reasons I suggest you stop talking to other people about your marriage, right now:

1. You are making up a story.

Now let’s be honest. How often do you call your girlfriend to say, “Can you believe how amazing my husband is? He just melts my heart and does everything right!!” The truth of the matter is, when we reach out to talk about our marriage to friends or family members, it’s usually to complain. We have an issue or problem, our feelings are hurt, or we are really angry. We call the one person we know will always be on our side, who will make us feel better about our position, who will sympathize and empathize, and then tell us about how her husband does the same crazy nonsense. What you may realize is that you are creating a story – your version of reality, that’s embellished by your thoughts and feelings. And the person on the other end of the conversation is your co-author. Together, you craft an amazing plot of how you are right and he is wrong, and build up more and more evidence to create the ending you want. We all know that there is his side, our side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. But most times, our view of what’s happening is greatly influenced by the thoughts or story we tell ourselves about the situation, resentments that have built up from the past, and the assumptions and meaning we give things. We don’t just focus on the facts, but create our own version of the facts. These stories, page by page, become our reality and when we get others to co-author our stories, it becomes much easier for our husbands to become the antagonist (the opposition) rather than the protagonist (someone we can empathize with).

2. Your friends and family always have their own agenda.

You may think that when you reach out to others, that they can be objective and help you gain some perspective. But the reality is that everyone has an agenda, whether they know it or not. That agenda is colored by their own experiences, their history, their thoughts and opinions, and their feelings about you and your husband. Most times, their agenda is to support you and make you feel good. And that’s not a bad thing! But when you go to them complaining, they can’t help but want to be on your side. In doing so, you may be missing an opportunity to grow and see things in a new way that could open up wonderful doors to your marriage. You know the saying, “birds of a feather flock together”. Your friends and family are likely to think about things in similar ways you do. And it’s likely that the issues you face in your marriage are influenced by thinking and doing things the same way you have always done. To have the breakthrough you probably want, you need to think, feel, and do something different. And sometimes you friends and family just don’t have that on their agenda.

3. People hold grudges, even when you’ve moved on.

When you unload your problems onto someone else, you may eventually move on, but they are still stuck with your baggage. If you share experiences where you were angry, hurt or frustrated by something your husband did, the natural tendency is for them to think negatively about him. That thinking doesn’t dissolve just because you are in a better place. Consciously or unconsciously, they are waiting for him to mess up again. And all they are left with are the words you used against him and the upset he “caused” you. And sometimes they hold on to the negative experiences you have as a way of making themselves feel better about their own problems. Sharing your issues is an automatic invitation to comparison. And rarely is comparing our problems to those of others a productive use of time.

4. Your spouse probably has most of the answers.

If you’ve ever wanted to know, “what do I have to do to get him to…” or “how come he always does…” or, “what will it take to make things better” there is one person you should consult. Your spouse. He knows what’s really going on, what’s getting in the way, and what he really wants from you. Perhaps he has a hard time communicating in a way you can truly understand. Perhaps you have not really been listening. Perhaps you have not really asked…nicely and with genuine curiosity. (And I don’t mean the “what the heck is wrong with you, or “why on earth would you do that???!!” type of asking.). I don’t have the answer for why you don’t have your answers and I’m pretty sure your friends and family don’t either. I do know there are ways to open the door to communication rather than shutting it down. When you reach out to someone besides your husband, you move one step farther away from him.

5. Your marriage is sacred.

Sometimes we forget that there is no other relationship as important as our marriage. You’ve made the most serious commitment to one person. To put them first, to honor them and respect them – in their presence and outside of their presence. I believe that marriage is a covenant between you, your husband and God. And because of that, you should be careful with your words. Don’t let the pressure to have something to say tempt you to share too much information about your marriage. When friends and family ask, how your husband is doing or what’s happening in your life, think long and hard about what you share. I love drama as much as the next girl, and I love to hear about drama happening for others, but my marriage drama stays at home. Now, I’m not suggesting you pretend that everything is wonderful when you are really struggling, but try to place some boundaries around the information you share. Instead of giving a play by play of your last argument, offer that you are working on some communication issues, and ask if your friend/family member has any resources to help you. Ask them to pray for you. After all, your relationships with those who care about you should look like a support system, not a gossip factory.

So, then, who do you talk to?? I believe that challenges in your marriage always offer the opportunity for you to grow, and for you and your husband to grow closer together. As a result, talking to each other, instead of about each other is always a great rule of thumb. If you need some help communicating effectively, or processing what’s been happening in your relationship in ways that are productive, you may want to reach out to a professional. Whether that’s a therapist or a relationship coach, you can find that listening ear and objective perspective in someone who’s experienced in moving you forward with practical and concrete steps to improve your situation. If neither of those work, then God help you!! (LOL!)

No, but seriously, there is real help for what you are going through. I believe a therapist or coach should provide you with specific action steps and tangible tools that will make a difference in your relationship. I believe you should talk about issues with the goal of solving them, not for the sake of placing blame. I believe there is always something within your control that can be changed to completely transform your experience. If you believe any of those same things, let’s talk.

This month, I’m offering a FREE Marriage MakeOver Coaching Session. It’s 30 minutes on the phone. I’m not your friend. I’m not your family. I have no agenda but helping you achieve yours. I’m not the co-author of your current story, but I’d love to guide you in creating a new one. And I’d love to be your coach.

Learn more about my free coaching session here ==> FREE COACHING 

As Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner made her photographic debut to the world, many of us examined her images with extreme interest. We analyzed every detail of her appearance, made declarations of who she now resembled, and asked almost everyone we know if they had seen the pictures. I personally wish her well and hope that this new life will enable her to live authentically and full of joy.

At the same time, I find myself thinking so much about Kris Jenner, and what she must be feeling. Even though their marriage is long dissolved, she, the children, and the rest of the world must now officially say goodbye to the person once known as Bruce Jenner. He no longer exists. I’ve been thinking about that feeling of loss, and what it’s like to come to the realization that someone you loved and committed your life to is no longer the same person you married. The face you once knew so well, now seems like a total stranger, the characteristics you were once attracted to can no longer be found.

In my private reflection, it became clear to me that even though few of us will ever have this exact experience, there are times in our marriages where we see our spouse as a completely different person than the one we pledged to love forever. Someone we no longer recognize. Someone who has changed almost overnight. Someone who no longer seems perfect for us.

It’s devastating.

And we feel as though everything we thought we were creating was for nothing.

As a relationship coach, I’m challenged to help my clients make sense of the things happening in their relationships that defy explanation. I help women find the purpose and the blessing in the challenges they face. I provide strategies and tools to help people transform the way they see themselves, their relationships, and the experiences of their lives.

With this perspective, there are three things I would say to Kris Jenner, or any woman who now feels as though the husband she once knew and loved may no longer exist:

1. You are amazing and worthy of what you desire.

So many times when things go wrong in our relationships, we think that we have failed or that there is something wrong with us. We wonder how we didn’t see the problems coming, or why we ignored the signs when they first appeared. It’s important to remember that you are doing the best you can. There is nothing wrong with you. If you can really believe that you are amazing, and worthy of what you desire, you will believe it’s possible to have the type of relationship you want. And once you believe it’s possible, you will see the steps you need to take to get the outcome you want.

2. Focus on the one thing within your control.

Most of the time, how other people act has nothing to do with us. Even if they blame you, ignore you, or dismiss you, that behavior says more about how they feel about themselves than you. As women, we constantly seek the approval of those we love. But the reality is, you will never to be able to control how someone reacts to you. It’s much more productive to focus your time, energy, and attention on the only thing that is within your control – yourself. Are you doing your best? Are your intentions in the right place? Are you finding ways to work on yourself?

3. Everything is unfolding as it should.

This is often one of the hardest things to see. We fight with reality and want things to be the way they used to be, or wish our life was more like the way we imagined. In doing so, we fail to live in the moment, and learn the lesson or grow in the ways our very situation is trying to get us to do. If we can accept that “it is what it is” and that what it is, will work out for our good, we can rest in peace and know that we will end up better and stronger. And we can do the work required to become the person we were created to be.

I’d love to hear what you think! Leave a comment, or email me at chavonne@berelateable.com.

If you could relate to this post and need some help making sense of the challenges in your own relationship, I’d love to support you. This month, I’m offering a free 30 minute Marriage Makeover coaching session. No obligations. No strings attached. I hope you’ll take advantage!

SCHEDULE MY FREE MARRIAGE MAKEOVER COACHING SESSION NOW

I’ve been thinking a lot about one of the questions that was raised in my talk: “Not So Happily Ever After: 10 Keys to Getting the Relationship You Want.” It’s on the topic of Compassion. The audience member was acknowledging how kind and compassionate she can be towards other people (co-workers, distant friends, even strangers) and hard it is to show compassion to the people closest to us.

I could really relate to what she offered.

Sometimes, it is really hard to be compassionate towards our partners. Being around and living with someone day in and day out can create lots of hurt feelings, frustrations and resentment that make it nearly impossible to be kind and truly forgiving.

I’ll admit, I don’t remember exactly how I responded in the call, but the question continues to be on my heart. It’s an area that I, along with many of my clients, struggle with and is a place where I am constantly growing.

Listen, I could probably go on about this topic for pages and pages. It’s so important, I’ve dedicated an entire module to this concept in the Getting to Happily Program. But for now, I wanted to share 4 really important things I’ve learned so far.

 

1. Showing compassion, just like forgiveness, is a process, not an event.

Because showing compassion is ongoing, it requires a committed decision – one that you choose over and over again. There are some days you’ll get it right, and some days you won’t. Like any habit, it takes practice. So each day, look for small opportunities to show compassion. You know, look for those small annoyances that you can usually get over pretty quickly and choose compassion. Maybe he left a sink full of dirty dishes, maybe he stayed later at work than you expected, maybe he didn’t follow through on something. You can come up with your own example. The point here is to start the process of training yourself to be compassionate. It’s kind of like trying on a dress you are not really sure about. It caught your attention and looks so-so on the hanger, but you won’t really know if it works for you until you put it on. So today, try on compassion.

 

2. Showing compassion requires you examine your own mistakes.

One of the reasons it’s hard to show compassion to our partners is because they have disappointed us or let us down in some way. But one of the first steps in getting over our own hurt and upset is to put ourselves in their shoes and really understand how they might feel. It helps to identify a time where you have disappointed or let your partner down. I’m not suggesting you compare apples to oranges, but really think about a time when you disappointed him. How did you feel? I’ll take a guess and assume you felt pretty badly. It’s tough to disappoint someone you care about. And sometimes, what’s tougher is knowing that you disappointed yourself. Another helpful question is, how did you want him to respond to you in that moment? Usually, the last thing you want to hear is about how wrong you were, how much you messed up, how you should have done something different. You have already had that conversation with yourself a thousand times and you don’t need the reminder. Chances are he feels the same way, even if he’s not showing it. For some people, apologizing or expressing remorse is really, really hard. They rather sweep it under the rug and turn it on you, instead of looking at themselves. That’s a coping mechanism, and sometimes, that’s all a person may know to do. I can almost guarantee that they feel bad about doing anything that leads you to be upset or angry in any way. Maybe there was a time where you also felt bad and didn’t show it. The takeaway here is that we all fall short at some point or another. And if you can tap into times where you have messed up and really wanted him to show you grace and compassion, it will make the process a little easier for you to do the same.

 

3. To show compassion, you have to stop taking things personally.

One of the biggest blocks to being compassionate are our own thoughts and the story we tell ourselves about a situation. When our partner does something we don’t like, or fails to do something we expect, we take it as a personal offence. “Well, he just doesn’t care about me, or he doesn’t want to help me, or what I need is not important to him.” We’re so good at creating these dramatic stories were he is the villain and we are the wronged party. Realizing that everything is not all about you is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Usually, and by that I mean 99% of the time, people’s actions or lack of action have to do with them, their own experiences, their own assumptions and expectations. Maybe he grew up thinking a certain way, maybe it’s his was of hiding his own shame and fear, maybe he feels inadequate. Who knows what’s really going on, but I can tell you what’s NOT going on. It’s NOT an intentional effort to disregard you or make you upset. But that’s what we tell ourselves, right? The sooner you can truly believe that you partner’s behavior has nothing to do with you, the more open you will be to compassion. Even if they are pointing the finger at you, it’s really about them. Do. Not. Take. It. Personally. Period.

 

4. To show compassion to others, you must show compassion to yourself.

It’s hard to show compassion when expectations are not met. And people who have the hardest time showing compassion usually have the highest expectations of others, and more importantly, of themselves. As women we are often driven by the image of perfection. We have to look a certain way, we have to own certain things by certain designers, we have to do this but we can’t do that…the list goes on and on. We are incredibly hard and unforgiving of ourselves. One key I find to unlocking our capacity to show compassion is to find the places on our relationship where we need to forgive and show compassion to ourselves. If we can accept the beauty of our humanity and embrace the wonderful opportunities in each mistake we make, how much easier will it be to do the same for someone who is so much a part of who we are as a person. I often say that the people we are in the most intimate relationship with are mirrors of ourselves. They reflect back to us the places where we need to learn, love and grow the most. So find that place of self-blame and shame in your relationship. Look at it will acceptance and appreciation, for it has contributed to the amazing person you are right now. You cannot go back and do it differently. You can only move forward with openness to the full and glorious process of compassion.

Questions or comments? I’m all ears!

Also, if you found this helpful, please share it with someone who could also benefit!

Yours in relating well,