Has this ever happened to you?
You’re just settling in to sleep after a long and exhausting day. Your pillow feels so good and you cannot wait to get to sleep.
Then, slowly, slowly, your husband inches his way over to you. Wraps his arms around your belly, and nuzzles his head on your neck.
You shift your position trying to give him the signal that now is not the time.
He doesn’t get the hint. He starts caressing you.
But you are just not in the mood.
You want nothing more than for him to go to his side of the bed and to leave you alone.
What do you do? Do you give in, just to appease him? Do you turn him away and bruise his fragile ego? I’m sure your answer depends on the day.
You know, sex is a funny thing.
On the one hand, it can be the most amazing physical and emotional experience. The pleasure you feel is sometimes beyond words.
Then on the other hand, as a busy woman juggling more things that you can bear, being intimate with your husband feels like another task to be added to your to-do list that saps you of your energy.
It probably happens more times than you’d like to admit, but we all have times where we are just not in the mood. But if you are finding it’s happening more and more, it’s something to look in to.
I recently did a Periscope on this topic and felt it was so important, I wanted to also do a blog post.
Here are 4 reasons you are just not in the mood, and what to do about them.
1.You are just plain tired.
You give, give, and give to so many people – your children, your employer, your family, your home – and sometimes at the end of the day, there is just not that much left over for your husband. You’ve gotten up early, made lunches and cooked breakfast, made sure everyone had what they needed. Then you headed to work, sat in countless meetings, discussing a million and one things you need to do. Then you sat in rush hour traffic, picked up the kids, shuffled them to their activities, pulled (or picked up) something together for dinner. Once you walk in the door, the only date you have is with the TV and your bed…and maybe Facebook or Instagram.
It’s totally normal to be tired after a long day. And the truth of the matter is you make time for the things that are important to you. In the moment, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to put off sex because you are tired. I mean your husband should understand that, right? And honestly, you are thinking, “if you would help out more, then I might not be so tired” so in some ways, he’s partly to blame.
Sometimes (not all the time), being tired is a state of mind, rather than a physical reality. The body is an amazing thing, and the energy will come. Think about all the times you wanted to press snooze, but you got up anyway. When you wanted to skip the gym, but you went anyway. When you really wanted your baby to sleep, but you stayed up anyway. You pushed through because of your mindset. You were committed to doing whatever it was that needed to be done. The same can happen here. Make up in your mind that you are committed to making time for intimacy. Affirm in your thoughts that you have the energy and that it is worth the effort. All behaviors first take place in the mind. So get your mind right!
2. His approach is just all wrong.
OK, so we all know that it doesn’t take much for men to get in the mood. They are usually a willing partner at a moment’s notice. But for us, it’s not that simple. A simple look, kiss, or tap on the backside just does not do it. He’s got to put in a little more effort. Sometimes, foreplay can get the job done, but lots of other times, it’s in the way he makes you feel emotionally. Recently, my husband and I were watching our wedding video and I told him, “I want you to look at me like you did during our first dance.” To me, that visual told me he was sooooo in love. And feeling that your husband is sooooo in love with you, that he thinks you are the most beautiful, sexy woman he’s ever seen, that he thinks about you all the time, that there is no one else in the world he’d rather than sex with, is everything you need to want to give yourself to him.
So, what I want to encourage you to do, is to be transparent and crystal clear about what works for you – physically and/or emotionally. And do so only in the positive. Focus on what your husband does right that gets you in the mood as opposed to what you want him to stop doing (unless he asks) You can start by saying any of the following:
“I really like it when you…”
“When you…. it makes me feel so…”
“I really want you to…”
At the end of the day, he wants to give you what you want. There is no better stroke of the male ego than to feel that he’s done just what you need him to do.
3. You don’t feel sexy.
Maybe you are carrying a few extra pounds. Or maybe after the birth of your children, your body is just not what it used to be. You are distracted by your physical appearance and really want to get yourself together. I get it. I am there right now. You don’t really like the way you look in the mirror, and you carry that thinking with you in the bedroom. You want to hide yourself instead of exposing all of your imperfections. You want the lights off and the whole thing to be over as quickly as possible.
I’m sure you know this already, but he doesn’t care. He still thinks you are beautiful, even if you don’t. We are our own worst critics and while you may be a little softer and rounder in some areas, you still feel like home to him. He still desires you, and you still do it for him. But all of that doesn’t matter until you are able to tap into your beauty and sexiness for yourself. It starts with finding the small things that can really make a difference.
Now while you can’t snap your fingers and be 30 pounds lighter, you can start thinking about the things that do make you feel pretty, feminine and attractive. Maybe it’s getting a nice manicure and pedicure. Maybe it’s getting your hair done. Maybe it’s a trip to Victoria’s Secret or Bath and Body Works or the MAC counter. Maybe it’s a pair of heels. Maybe it’s listening to a sexy song and dancing like Beyonce, if only in your mind! LOL! Whatever it is, find that thing that sparks the sexiness for yourself. Then throughout the day, think about kissing your husband as passionately as you see on TV, think about his touch, or listen to your favorite love songs. Being sexy is a state of mind and has less to do with how you look. So again, I say, get your mind right.
4. You don’t feel connected.
Sex is the most intimate experience two people can share. But when you feel disconnected and distant from your spouse, it’s often the last thing on your mind. Maybe your lives have gotten really busy, or maybe he hurt your feelings and you have not recovered, maybe you don’t feel appreciated, maybe you feel ignored. Maybe you feel more like roommates than husband and wife. Maybe you can’t even put your finger on it, but things just feel off.
Disconnection in a relationship is really the result of tiny decisions you make each day. The decision to wish each other a good day or not, the decision to send a text or make a quick phone call to let your spouse know you are thinking about them or not, it’s in the way you greet each other when you return home from time apart, the way you listen or fail to listen to what’s really being said, the decision to hold off on doing something else so you can spend time together. Couples don’t just wake up one day and feel like strangers. It’s a slow gradual process that many watch happen, but don’t have the tools to do something different, or lack the confidence that their efforts will make a difference.
The good news are there are tools, and your efforts will make a difference. It just requires the same consistent patterns of positive interactions, as those old patterns of negative interactions that created the disconnection in the first place. I could do an entire blog post on how to build connection (and I will), but for now, the first thing I suggest you do is to acknowledge to your spouse that there is a sense of disconnection, and that you would like to work on making your relationship better.
Be clear that you are willing to put for the effort.
Ask for his ideas on what might help and share your ideas.
Then I want you to focus on one action you will begin to take on a consistent basis to rebuild your bond. Maybe it’s spending 5-10 minutes each day with uninterrupted time asking your spouse about their day. If you need some conversation prompts, I’ve developed a free tool you can get by clicking right here => Click here for 31 Great Questions
Maybe it’s selecting a TV show that you can both enjoy watching together each week. Maybe it’s deciding to go to bed at the same time together one night, or maybe it’s cutting off the social media and email for an evening. Just do something, even a small action carried out consistently can make a huge difference.
If you take nothing else from this post, please try very hard to really identify what is the real reason you are not in the mood. Spend a few minutes really thinking about it. What’s going on for you? Be honest.
And then share that with your husband. Your lack of communication on the issue is likely to lead to greater issues, especially if you reject his advances with no explanation. In those instances, the only thing he’s telling himself is that you no longer desire him. He only feels the rejection. But if you can be honest with him about what’s happening for you, and together work on a plan to make things better, you open the door to all the passion and intimacy that deep down you really want to create.
So, how did I do? If you found anything in this post helpful, please share it with a friend. She’ll thank you for it, I’m sure!
P.S Are you in my Happily Married Woman Group? It’s private, free to join and you’ll be among a community of women who are dedicated to creating a marriage they love. You’ll find me there every day providing extra motivation and support. Whether you are a happily married now, or hope to reclaim the happiness you once knew, this group is for you! Join us by clicking HERE!