3 Reasons To Look a Little Longer in the Mirror - RelateAble

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3 Reasons To Look a Little Longer in the Mirror

16 Sep 15
Chavonne Perotte
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It’s the second week of our challenge and I am thrilled that you are hanging in there with me! So, as a reminder, this week’s challenge is all about looking in the mirror – examining ourselves and what we can do to become a better partner.

It’s so easy to focus in on all the things our husband may be doing wrong and the ways we’d like him to grow. The fact is, we have no control over what he does or doesn’t do. And when we spend our energy looking outside of ourselves for happiness we miss the power that already lies within ourselves to create our own happiness.

This week we are practicing looking inward. Being able to look at ourselves honestly and with compassion is a huge skill that will dramatically improve the way we experience our marriages. The goal is not to beat ourselves up, rather to put ourselves in a position of power and control of who we want to be. If there are things you don’t like, you are the only person able to change it.

So, I’ll ask you, who do you want to be?

What qualities do you want others to see in you?

This week’s challenge will help you focus in on making that happen for yourself. And it starts with looking in the mirror.

Here are 3 reasons why you’ll benefit from taking a longer look in the mirror this week.

1. You become empowered to change.

If you are not aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and their impact on others, there is no way you can change them. You can’t change what you are not willing to see. By taking a good look in the mirror at how you are showing up, you get to see what you like and what you don’t like. When you examine yourself, do you like how you are being? If the answer is no, instead of feeling defeated and telling yourself, “well that’s how I’ve always been” or “I’m too set in my ways to change” challenge yourself and your old way of thinking. Instead shift your thinking into something like this:

I am powerful beyond my own imagination.

I can overcome any issue that’s holding me back.

Every day I’m alive is a new chance to become the person I want to be.

I can do hard things.

The only way you’ll make a shift in your marriage or any area in your life is by thinking and doing something different. If you continue to act the same way all the time, you’ll get the same results. Every time. So claim your power, stop making excuses and make it happen for yourself.

2. You become less defensive.

I find that when someone gives me negative or constructive feedback, depending on my mood and how it’s delivered, I can react in a number of ways. If I feel like they are pointing the finger, and that they are in no position to judge me, I get very defensive. And angry. How dare you judge me in that way? Who do you think you are? And then I want to point out all the things that are wrong with them.

Maybe you can relate.

Feeling defensive makes you all tight inside. Your heart beats faster, you get all hot, and your blood starts to boil. You quickly lose your composure, overreact and either explode or shut down. And that’s no fun at all.  Who wants to feel that way?

When we are able to truly see ourselves, all the good and the bad, in complete honesty, others can point out our bad side and we don’t have to become defensive. When we’ve already seen it for ourselves, there’s nothing to defend or get upset about. It’s true and there’s nothing to argue about. For example, I know that I am very impatient. P.S. – that is the one thing I’m working on this week. And when my husband points it out, I don’t take offence. He’s stating a fact about me, just as if he was saying I have black hair. I can’t argue with it. On the flip side, when we know something about ourselves is not true, when someone points it out, we don’t have to waste any energy defending it. They are mistaken. And it’s too bad for them. Simple as that.

The truth is, we only become defensive when others point out something about us that we don’t want to see. When we’ve already acknowledged that thing about ourselves, and we are actively working to improve it, the reminder can serve as motivation to keep moving in that direction.

3. You become accepting of who you really are.

Can you imagine accepting yourself totally and completely? Having unconditional love for who you are right now, at this very moment? Flaws and all?

It’s something I constantly aspire to. As it relates to my appearance, every morning, I look and the mirror and try to love my body. After the birth of my daughter last year, it looks SO different and there are many things I’d like to change. But I accept it, I don’t beat myself up and I try to remember that it did something miraculous. And then I work on making it even better.

I do the same thing when it comes to my personality. There are many areas I would like to work on. But before I can do that, I have to accept them as they are now, and remind myself that I’m doing the best I can.

And that’s true for you too. You are doing the best you can.

When we are able to look at ourselves honestly, and with love and compassion, we see how vulnerable and fragile we really are. Sure we may have a tough exterior, but inside we just want to be loved, understood and accepted. We think that if our husband would just pay more attention, show more affection, be less critical, that we will be happy. But the reason we look for that outside validation is because we haven’t always done the hard work of validating ourselves. You have to believe you are an amazing, worthy, and lovable person. And when you feel that at your core, it radiates from you, and you will receive it in return.

So I hope this week’s challenge is really received in the spirit with which it is intended. This is not about pointing the finger at you and making you feel bad about yourself. Just the opposite. It’s all about helping put you back in control of how you show up to yourself and to your marriage. You have to do you. And in doing so, make sure you are fabulous!

Email me and let me know what 1 thing you are working on to become a better partner this week. I’d love to support you!

Until next time,


Dr. Chavonne Perotte

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