Do you ever find yourself feeling judged by your husband? Like his words pierce you at your core and make you feel like a horrible person who will never be able to get her life together?
I know I have.
But what I’ve come to understand is that sometimes, it’s not so much about the judgment that’s being thrown at us. In all honesty, it’s more about our inability to accept feedback we don’t find helpful and the burried shame that’s easily stirred up by just the right combination of words from our husband.
I think back to the other day when I told my husband Schubert about an expense I was considering.
I thought he would agree with me. I had been managing my money well, coming in significantly under budget, plus I had taken on some extra work and knew the money would be available.
Sure, the paycheck had not yet hit my bank account and sure, I hadn’t sat down to list out any other expenses this money might be used for. But I was being significantly MORE financially responsible than I had been in the past, and I felt this particular expense was something I could seriously consider doing.
He listened, and then thought for a moment. I could see the wheels spinning in his head.
And then came out of his mouth a string of words that immediately sent me into a full-on NFL defensive mode.
“The money hasn’t come in yet, and you’ve already spent it all.”
“What?!!!” I thought.
Why was this such a problem? Isn’t that what I was supposed to do, actually have a PLAN for how to spend my money as opposed to being all loosey with it, spending it on whatever popped into my mind at the time? He’s the one who told me to have a plan for my money in the first place!!
In defense of myself, I announced that every other financial goal we had set for the month would have been met, and I was going to meet the most important goal we had set, which was to replenish my emergency fund.
I had been feeling quite proud of myself and now it seemed as though he was coming to knock me down.
He then calmly reminded me that I had asked him for this type of feedback. I wanted him to point out when I’m in spending mode vs. saving mode.
All true, but in that moment, I felt like I just couldn’t get things right in his eyes.
I felt judged.
And it hurt.
As is my habit when these types of interactions surface, I swiftly pointed out how he was at fault, how he was thinking about it the wrong way, expecting too much of me, and not being encouraging as I try to improve this area of my life.
Money is a sore spot in our marriage right now and while some conversations go extremely well, others can go horribly wrong. This was one of those horribly wrong ones.
He saw his comments and feedback as helpful statements to keep me on track. I saw them as judgments and criticisms of who I was being as a perpetually irresponsible steward of my finances.
No fun at all.
In the silence that grew between us for the next couple of days, I found myself trying to figure out what had gone so wrong and why I continue to get so upset whenever he offers any criticism to me.
Sure, I could attribute it to his delivery. He has a very direct way of saying things and often points out the negative first. But I have been working on how I view his communication style no matter how much it’s the opposite of what I would do.
Then I thought that maybe it was the fact that I had not prepared myself to receive his feedback in that moment. This was an unexpected discussion and I had not done the mental work required for me to have a money conversation without my defenses up and shame on blast.
I think that was certainly part of it, but the real answer came to me that next Sunday as I was listening to a sermon online from Dr. Dharius Daniels at Change Church.
He talked about the difference between correction and judgment. And I listened carefully to what I felt God had for me just in that moment.
What I came to realize was that my reaction to Schubert’s comments in most cases comes from an inability to distinguish between the things he says that are correction and the things he says that are judgments.
Correction is an observation about what it is you are doing designed you keep you on track.
Judgments are evaluations about who you are being as a person.
In hindsight, I now see his first comment was merely an observation; “The money hasn’t even come in yet and you have already spent it all.” It was a true observation, I had in fact allocated it in such a way that most of it would be gone.
Could he have said it with a little less judgey tone? Of course!
But still at the foundation, it was just an observation about a course of action I was about to embark on. What he did not say to me (but what I made up in my mind) was “Chavonne, you are so irresponsible with money.” “You are never going to be the type of person who can save money.”
And that’s where I went wrong in my interpretation. That’s where I raised the danger, danger sign and put up my defenses.
I think it’s important that we all learn to distinguish between correction and judgment. And as an extremely sensitive person, this is something I have to work really, really hard at.
But what I do know is there are 3 realizations that can make identifying correction a little easier to see and accept. Especially when it comes from our husbands. And I wanted to share them with you today.
#1. When the feedback is aligned to God’s word.
The ultimate corrector in our lives should be God, and He’s left His word as the blueprint for how we should operate in our lives. When your husband is offering his feedback on something you are doing, it’s important to test it against what God says you should be doing. And even if you don’t know the Bible backwards and forwards (I certainly do not), you can always ask the question, “would changing my ways in this area demonstrate more of the character of God?” If the answer is anything like “yes” then you should open your ears, heart and mind to receive this nudge from your husband, who may just be delivering a message from God to you that you need to hear.
#2. When the correction will help you get to where you want to go.
We all have things in life that we want to accomplish, and things come up that stand in our way. This can include outside circumstances or internal tendencies that lead us to self-sabotage. Our husband is designed to help us and he sees it as his responsibility to make sure we are doing the things that benefit us as individuals and our families overall. Sometimes his feedback and correction are necessary so we can see errors, missteps and off-track decisions that won’t help us get to where we’ve already determined we want to go, whether that be in saving more money, losing weight, being more patient, or reducing the amount of stress in our life.
#3. When the correction comes from a place of love.
I think sometimes it’s really hard for us to remember that our husband is on our team. That we are not enemies fighting for the position to be right, but that we should be united as one. His feedback and correction are often coming from a place of love, care and desire for our highest good, but we as women get so sensitive about the delivery, the tone, or how often the scales are tipped toward negative instead of positive feedback, that this point gets lost in all the messiness. Search his words for love, sift through what’s unpalatable for what’s truly out of his desire to see you operate in the best way possible. Even if you don’t agree with what he’s suggesting, see it through the eyes of love.
Like most of these things, it’s easier said than done. Otherwise we would have figured it out already and the type of experience I just shared would be a lot less common in my household and yours.
I think what we as wives often forget is that our husband is not our true opponent. But somehow it slips our mind that he still thinks the world of us, wants to see us be our best, and is secretly cheering us on.
Should he probably be a little more explicit about that? Of course!
And, at the same time, it’s our job to give him the benefit of the doubt. Correction does not always have to equate with judgment, and if we choose to alter our perception from one that blames to one that becomes more responsible, we’ll find that the only person doing the judging in the first place is us.
If you’d like to work on shifting your perspective of your husband or the other things happening in your marriage, I’d love to invite you to my free 5-Day Marriage Prayer Challenge.
Learn the specific prayers to pray so that your mind is open, and heart is clear to receive every good and amazing thing God wants to do for you and your marriage.
Release the guilt and shame that often leads you to feel judged and criticized when you’re just being corrected and guided by someone who loves you.
It’s completely free to join and I know you have the potential to experience a breakthrough to better days with your husband filled with admiration, acceptance, and unconditional love.
CLICK HERE to start the Prayer Challenge
Hope to see you inside!
Dr. Chavonne
