I think at some point or another, every wife feels a little judged by her husband.
Maybe it’s in a moment when your two ways of seeing things collide, and he takes a self-righteous stance.
Maybe it’s in a moment where he corrects something you’re doing because it’s not the way he thinks it should be done.
Maybe it’s in a moment when he tells you that your reaction to a situation is uncalled for and just not the right way to feel.
I can say I’ve personally found myself in these situations many times over and they are hard to swallow.
In my recent blog post, 3 Critical Reminders When You Feel Judged By Your Husband, I talk about the difference between correction and judgment and when it’s appropriate to accept with an open mind the feedback of our husbands.
I definitely encourage you to read that post if you have not already because the 3 critical reminders I offer will definitely make his comments a little easier to take.
This post here picks up where that one left off, and I wanted to share what I believe to be an important place to start internally in order to accurately see when the feedback you get is from a place of loving guidance versus true condemnation.
The following 3 realities will help you not only in your marriage but in any relationship where the person offers you observations about yourself.
As you read, try your best to look for how the points below apply directly to you.
Get in your mind an area that is a continual sore spot for you, where whenever you are called on it, you immediately feel defensive or criticized. Those emotions are signals for where God really wants you to pay closer attention.
#1. Realize you need help in order to grow.
Sometimes we fail to remember we should be growing and evolving every day. That we were not created to be stagnant, but that each moment of the day, and each experience with others are teachers leading and guiding us to a better version of ourselves. And once you embark on that never ending journey of self-improvement, you need help.
Often you will feel resistant to that help because it’s not how you would normally do things. But that’s the very type of insight you need in order to grow. The way you’ve been doing things in the past has gotten you to exactly where you are now. You need a new way, and that new way requires you get help and a perspective that’s different from the one you’ve always had.
And whether we like it or not, that “help” often comes in the form of our husbands. Remember, he is not the enemy and his presence in our lives is for our good and ultimate growth.
#2. Admit that others can see into your blind spots.
Sometimes we just don’t know what we don’t know. It’s very dangerous to let your pride and ego stand in the way and keep you from receiving the things that others have been put in your life to help you see. We need revealed to us the things we don’t know, don’t want to know, and might never know about ourselves.
And without the help of someone who can see us in a way we have been blind to, we’ll never come to these important realizations. Our husbands are mirrors to the things we ignore or try to cover up about ourselves.
The sooner we realize that and can take his feedback as necessary reflections we must see about ourselves, the quicker we can step into a better way of being no matter how hard it is to admit at first.
#3. Rid yourself of the shame and self-judgment you carry with you.
You can’t ever feel the judgment of others if you don’t first judge yourself in that area. Look to yourself with greater compassion and accept that in the past you did the best you could with what you had. As women, we carry so much guilt and shame for our shortcomings.
You have to learn to celebrate yourself more and become empowered in the areas where you want to do better as opposed to letting what you perceive as lack of progress to keep you down and in victim mode. Nothing in your life can hold you back unless you first allow it to.
I think this last point is the most important. We become defensive when people reveal something about us that we feel shame about or that we haven’t yet full examined about ourselves. We misinterpret the comments of others as judgments when really, they may just be observations.
When we’ve released our shame or cleared off our own blind spots, we can see the correction from our husbands as the wonderful gifts guiding us into a better way of being, living and loving together.
If we’re able to fully internalize these realities and carry them with us in the interactions with our husbands we are not distracted by his tone, or the timing of his comments, or by his own shortcomings. Rather, we can focus with laser like precision on what it is we need to be witnessing about ourselves.
This calls for a level of maturity that few of us are ever able to achieve without help and a radical transformation within our souls. We are naturally designed to protect our egos and reject the things that don’t align with how we want to view ourselves.
I think that’s were God can do something amazing within us.
He can turn that defensiveness into a calming peace that doesn’t trigger our raw spots of emotion.
He can shield our hearts from feeling unworthy and inadequate, to ones that beat confidently in knowing we are loved and fully accepted by Him.
He can shape us and mold us to become the exact person he created us to be, no matter how many mistakes and mis-steps we have made along the way.
If you could use a little help in this area and feel like God really needs to shift a few things on the inside of you, then I encourage you to turn to God for help in this area.
I know we are called to pray so often and that at times, this action can seem insignificant or lack the direction and guidance we really need.
What I’ve learned is that we need to be taught how to pray strategically in new ways that open the door to new results.
I know I’ve been guilty of praying those very generic and cookie cutter prayers for my marriage. But when I started asking God to show me the things I needed to see about myself, He answered in ways I never expected.
And once I had those things revealed to me, I could then change my thinking, my attitude, and how I responded to my husband’s feedback and correction.
I don’t get it perfect all the time, but I can say it has forced me to take my own journey of self-improvement more seriously and has helped me to become a better wife.
I’d love for you to join me in prayer. I’ve free 5-Day Marriage Challenge that will help you apply the all that we’ve been discussing together in this blog.
Inside the challenge, you’ll learn how to pray strategically so that you can release old mindsets and ways of seeing things and finally live in greater harmony and peace with your husband.
You’ll hear from God for how He wants you to grow, uncover your blind spots and release the guilt and shame you feel toward yourself.
A more fulfilling marriage always exists when there is a greater connection to God for his leading, guiding and direction. Commit yourself to praying for yourself and your marriage through this powerful challenge.
Just click the button below to start the challenge today.
CLICK HERE to start the Prayer Challenge
To feeling accepted, from the inside out,
Dr. Chavonne
