Letting your husband lead is hard, especially when you have been used to leading all by yourself.
Accepting help from someone is difficult when you’re not entirely sure they have it all together themselves.
Allowing yourself to be guided by someone else’s decision-making when it’s not AT ALL the way you would do stretches you in ways that feel really uncomfortable.
Independence is a quality that’s ingrained in us at an extremely early age.
I’ve noticed this in my own home with my 3-year old daughter Madison, and the parallels in my own life have been eye-opening for me.
As a parent, my role is to help guide my daughter, teach her the things that will benefit her life and protect her from danger.
But many times, my attempts to help her are met with a grimace as she assertively declares: “No, mommy, I want to do it! Don’t touch it! My turn.”
And usually, these protests come at the most inopportune time.
Like the other night when we’re nearing the final moments of her prolonged bedtime routine. I’m juggling my 1-year old son, Benjamin, as best I can, praying he doesn’t reach the point of no return as sleepiness and crankiness overtake him and me both.
We’re just moments away from putting on her Doc McStuffin’s pajamas and starting the usual 8:35pm reading of “Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?” when it starts.
She is insisting that she put on her pajama top.
Not wanting to stall her development, I agree to let her try it on her own. After about 10 seconds, it’s clear that she’s struggling to position the shirt in the right way so as to allow her arm to easily slip through the sleeve.
I reach out to help her and am confronted with a barrage of resistance.
Slowly, I ease my hand away, retreating, and trying very hard to practice patience.
But still, no progress, and she’s growing more and more frustrated with the situation.
She starts whining and staying something that’s unintelligible to me.
“Let me help you” I say firmly, and reach out again to offer my assistance.
And this time, my help meets an even more determined “No, I want to do it!!”
I insist again.
She resists again.
Now in the course of this exchange, Benjamin has worked himself into a fit, and is aggressively charging us both in sleepy frustration.
Finally, I lose my cool, and raise my voice to a level that I’m not at all proud to admit. She starts balling, as I tell her over and over again, “You have to let me help you. I’m just trying to help you. You need my help.”
After the shirt is correctly on, and the room returns to a more tolerable level of commotion, I’m instantly reminded of the conversation my husband and I had just two nights before.
I had asked his help with reminding me to start thinking a certain way about how I spend my money. This was a danger zone from the beginning, but I really did want his insight as to how I can be a better manager of my finances.
So, I make a comment and he proceeds to remind me of exactly what I asked to be reminded of.
Only instead of graciously accepting his guidance and appreciating the foresight he has, I get defensive and feel judged.
Exhausted from my negative reaction, he resigns himself to say nothing more, and leaves me to make whatever decision it is I want to make.
These types of exchanges happen with some regularity in our home.
As an independent woman, who didn’t marry until I was almost 35, I’ve lived the majority of my life making my own decisions and not having to collaborate or compromise with anyone.
And even though, we’ve been together for 10+ years as a couple, we’re still finding our way in managing our independent and head-strung spirits in a way that creates unity.
I know my role as a wife is to follow his lead, but I struggle with this more often than I care to admit.
However, in the moments when I am able to easily and willingly follow my husband’s lead, there are a few themes that always emerge. When I keep these things in mind, I find that being more open to his leadership is much easier and I feel empowered instead of enslaved.
I want to share the 4 most important things you have to be willing to consider so that allowing your husband to lead is easier and even comforting for you.
1. Become aware of the ways you resist his leadership.
This can take the form of big knock-out refusals or small jabs of disregard. It includes the things you’re consciously aware of, and things that will require the Holy Spirit to reveal to you in your own private prayer time.
Having an awareness of how you contribute to disharmony and power struggles is essential, because once you recognize what’s happening, you then have a choice to do it differently. Pay close attention to the things you say or the decisions you make that show your husband “I don’t need your help or your advice.”
2. Acknowledge that you don’t know everything.
We are limited by our own experiences, beliefs and opinions. We’ve come to see things in a certain way, and oftentimes think our way of seeing is the “right” one. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
When we are able to humbly acknowledge that there could be something we don’t know, or are not able to see, it’s easy to acknowledge how our husbands can be that second set of eyes and ears to help us navigate both big and small decisions. By acknowledging the limitations of our own knowledge and capabilities we open ourselves up to grow and learn the things we could have never learned on our own.
3. Trust that his leadership will make your life better and easier.
Whether you truly believe it or not, your husband is designed to be your helpmate. He is for you, not against you. You were created to be a team and share the load with each other. As women, we often find ourselves stressed out, overwhelmed and tired, because we take on too much. Or we think it’s easier to just do things on our own rather than asking for help.
But just like if you’re wanting to float gracefully in a pool of water, you have to let go, and allow the water to carry you, so it is (or at least it should be) with our husband’s assistance. When we release things for him to take care of and be concerned about, it enables us to flow with grace and ease.
4. Appreciate that he is fulfilling his God-given purpose.
In the case of my daughter, I was created to be her mother. There are things God has equipped me to see, know and do that are for her protection and best interest. It’s in my nature to do these things whether she sees, recognizes or appreciates them. I would not be living up to who God called me to be in our family if I did NOT occupy a certain position in her life.
And the same applies to our husbands.
He was created to be your covering, to shelter and shield you from the things that should be left in his hands. Trust that God is leading Him and directing Him and that all he does is first covered by God. And even if he makes a mistake or an error in judgment, God will not allow it to destroy anything you are trying to build as a family. God has the final say, and for now, your job is to just say “Yes.”
I know this is all easier said than done. And as evidence by the experiences in my own live, I too, am a work in progress in this area. That’s why I’m so grateful that God can work in me when I turn my marriage, my challenges and my struggles over to Him.
What about you? Do you have a way to work through these struggles and get your mind and heart in the right place so that they no longer create such conflict and tension in your marriage?
If you’re experiencing a moment where you are having a difficult time letting your husband lead, letting go of resentment, seeing him in a positive light, or just can’t seem to get on the same page about important issues, I encourage you to sign up for my 5-Day Marriage Prayer Challenge.
Put your marriage on the alter and let God work in you to change your situation. This powerful prayer challenge will lead you through strategic prayers that open your mind, heart and soul to become a change agent in your marriage.
I believe that when you want a different reality in your marriage, you have to first examine and shift who it is you are being in your marriage. And as a marriage and life coach, I can tell you that the first place to start is by allowing God to change your heart. This 5-Day Marriage Prayer Challenge is an excellent way to start the transformation within, so you can experience it on the outside and in your daily interactions with your husband.
The challenge is completely free to join, and can really allow God to put you in the right position to receive amazing blessings in your marriage.
Join me inside by clicking the button below (it’s free to join).
CLICK HERE to start the Prayer Challenge
Yours in yielding,
Dr. Chavonne
