There will be some phases in your marriage where you don’t like your husband.
I don’t think anyone prepares you for those seasons, and often when emotions of anger, sadness, and frustration are high, we just don’t know what to do.
It seems as if everything he does is wrong.
His very presence annoys you.
His failures, mistakes, and past wrongs seem to be the only thing you think about.
How he’s not the man you want to be married to right now.
How he adds no love or joy to your life.
How he sucks the energy from you and leaves you feeling worse off than before.
That’s a horrible, horrible place to be.
Especially on a regular basis.
If you’re in that place (or have ever been), I want to offer you some perspective and strategies that will help you feel better.
I know right now you are not interested in giving him grace, offering forgiveness, or softening your heart to him.
I know right now you are probably mad, or aggravated, or in the process of shutting down completely because you are tired of feeling this way.
Here are just a few things you can think about and start to do in order to turn the tide of your emotions.
#1. Recognize your feelings are a function of your thinking.
I KNOW this may not make sense on the surface. You’re looking at him, his actions, his words, his way of being and thinking that those things are causing you pain right now. But your husband is just the trigger, he’s just the circumstance that has happened. How you feel about it, how you interpret it, the story you tell yourself about it, is what’s making you feel the way you feel.
For example, if he doesn’t spend much time with you, you tell yourself that you are not important, that he doesn’t care, and that he’s checked out on the marriage. There is no other way to feel but bad with that understanding.
But instead, if when you notice he doesn’t spend much time with you, you told yourself, he’s under a lot of pressure at work, he doesn’t want to upset me more, he’s feeling rejected and hurt, he’s working through his own issues, then you wouldn’t feel as bad.
We always choose the interpretation that makes us feel the worse. We look at a situation with the lens of being hurt and victimized by our husband.
Instead, I want you to get in the habit of choosing an empowering thought.
And the way you do that is by choosing an empowering question.
Here are a few:
How could I see this in a way that makes me feel better?
What could I begin to tell myself to help me experience more love in this moment?
What can I choose to believe about my husband so that we can exist in peace?
#2. Collect the positives
Last week I gave one of my clients the assignment of writing out a list of 100 things she appreciated or loved about her husband. At first she thought I was kidding. But I was not.
I then went on to explain that what happens is our minds get used to thinking negatively about our spouse. Day after day, after day, after day, we sit and stew in unhappiness, and count up all the ways he is a disappointment and all the ways he lets us down. After a while, this thinking becomes automatic and our brains adjust to this as our default.
Through the science of neuroplasticity, we know that the brain can actually change as a function of the thoughts we think repeatedly. In order to over-ride the negative pathways of thinking created over time, you have to shock your system and train yourself to think differently. Your brain has literally been formed around your negative thinking.
But you can begin to change it with an exercise like this.
The positive thoughts you list have to be things you actually believe at a deep level. The process of coming up with an extreme list, like 100, is necessary to stretch your brain into a new way of being.
This is important, not so that you husband can be back in your good graces, but this is important because YOU need to feel better. Being stuck in negative emotion will lead you straight to depression, apathy, and even physical illness.
Maybe you don’t have the motivation to write out a list of 100 things right now. But I know if you did, the results would astound you. No matter what, start somewhere. Begin to collect all those positives.
#3. Invite God to Change Your Heart…then wait as that process unfolds.
This may be a really simple place for you to start. If you’ve been perpetually unhappy in your marriage, taking the step to change you thinking on your own is sort of a Hurculean task. Instead, allow God to do the heavy lifting for you. Throughout the day just pray, “Lord, change my heart” with sincerity.
I like to listen to worship music first. Songs like Holy Spirit and Here as In Heaven are my go-to songs. Then I listen to soft meditation music and focus my mind on God filling my heart with love for my husband. I imagine the love in me connecting with the love in him. It feels so good, and many times I cry, which is a wonderful sign it’s working!
As you start this practice, you may not notice a change right away. But keep at it. You are making incremental changes. And once your heart feels lighter, I really want to encourage you to take a loving action. To send your husband a text, right him a note, or do something nice for him from that place of love. Your small action will produce a ripple effect that compounds for a major shift in the relationship. Consistency is key here.
You may find it helpful to sign up for my 5-day Marriage Prayer Challenge. Each day you will receive encouragement and strategic prayers to help soften your heart and allow God to work within it to unite you and your husband together.
It’s natural to get in a place of complete dissatisfaction with your husband.
And there is no shame in what you are experiencing.
But now you have a choice. I’ve provided you with 3 specific ways to dig yourself out. Do something different for you. For your children. For the people who need your marriage to succeed.
I know he needs to change.
I know he needs to do things differently too.
But right now, I’m talking to you .
Have YOU don’t all that you can to manage your mind?
Would God look at your heart, your words and your actions and be proud of how you are being?
If the answer is no, then a change needs to take place.
And the change you have full control over right now is you.
It may take time and you may need support.
But the change must happen.
You cannot stay stuck in this place much longer.
Here are two ways I can help.
My 1-on-1 coaching. I’m opening my calendar to speak with 3 women this week who are serious about making a change. I work with women committed to having a better existence and who know having a coach is the right next step to making the progress they want. If that’s you, please apply to speak with me by CLICKING HERE–> http://bit.ly/callwithchavonne
My upcoming Masterclass: Creating Change that Lasts: Set Yourself Up NOW for a Breakthrough in 2019. CLICK HERE for Details: http://bit.ly/changeit2019
To love in your heart again…
