Yesterday I spent a lot of time reflecting.
We have only 30 days left in 2018 and I found myself thinking about my life this past year.
I thought about the goals I set for myself in January.
The enthusiasm and motivation I had to do the things I wrote down.
One of the most important focus areas for me this year has been my marriage.
My husband and I ended 2017 in a tough spot, but started out this year strong and committed to doing things differently.
And as I look at where we are now at the close of 2018, I sort of felt like we were back in the same place as last year.
He’s working more than he ever has before.
He still has a hard time verbally affirming and encouraging me (my primary love language).
And he still shuts down when he’s deep in thought and doesn’t communicate with me.
Because of those observations, I spent a lot of time discouraged and feeling like things were no better off. I don’t judge him (you shouldn’t either) but rather I just notice the things that continue to happen.
And yesterday, I sat in self-pity for how he has not made the changes I wanted to see.
I sat in shame for how I let his actions affect me.
I sat in discouragement feeling like a failure to you, my reader.
If I can’t produce tangible, consistent change in my own marriage, who am I to lead you in doing the same?
It was a hard, hard day.
I cried a lot.
And then I stopped.
I started listening to motivational talks to get my mindset right.
I started journaling my feelings and processed what was happening for me.
I listened to several audio books that helped give me new strategies to approach my marriage and also feed my soul.
I handed my challenges over to God and left them their confidently he would work it all out.
Today, I have a renewed sense of hope, and a new level of patience for the things I’m waiting on to just fall into place.
And just now when I looked at the goals I had for my marriage at the beginning of the year, I see how much personal progress I have made.
Here’s what I had set out to do:
Encourage and affirm Schubert daily
Avoid complaining, and overwhelming him
Be intentional about grace and forgiveness
Keep my thoughts positive/practice gratitude
Make time to connect everyday
2x per month date night (1 inside, 1 outside the house),
Monthly marriage book study
I have done a great job at working towards these goals. Consistently. Persistently. Progressively.
And to add, I have now learned how not to take his silence personally, and I’ve mastered boosting my own sense of confidence and self-esteem such that his compliments are nice to have, but no longer a necessity to me.
I realized that the discouragement I was feeling was more a function of judging my success by his actions, and other things outside of myself.
And that’s where I think we all go wrong.
We don’t always track the internal changes that are happening within ourselves that are necessary prerequisites to create the external changes we want to see.
This work we do together is personal.
It’s about you.
Your personal development.
It’s always been about you.
And it always will be.
Your ability to become the woman you want to be.
Your ability to choose love in difficult moments.
Your ability to decide to grow and become better than you were the day before.
Your ability to let go of your insecurities and need for validation, and to learn how to build yourself up and validate yourself.
Those are the changes that matter.
Those are the changes that are invaluable.
Those are the changes that will transform your life forever.
But in marriage, when we think our happiness depends on what the other person is doing, saying, or how they are being, we’ll never be satisfied. And we’ll never feel like we’ve made progress.
Happiness is your job.
Your responsibility.
Your internal decision.
The progress you want to see, is always within you.
And if your husband gets on that train with you and catches some of the growth and transformation you are committed to, then good for him!
But if it takes him a little longer or if he never gets it at all, then it can still be good for you.
The choice is yours.
I share all of this so openly and so vulnerably to let you know that I am walking the same road as you in many ways.
And in the areas where I am a several steps ahead, I want to lead the way.
In the areas where I can encourage you and show you a different way, I want to do that.
In the areas where you feel like nothing is changing, I can help you see the value of patience in the process.
Marriage can be the hardest work you ever do.
But your personal transformation can make that work so much easier.
That should be your focus for progress.
What do you want to say about yourself this time next year?
And more importantly, are you ready to do the work to make that happen?
If so, you know that I am here to help.
And if you’d like to stay in close touch and receive more encouragement and resources to support your marriage, please join my email community. I’ve got some great gifts for you as a new subscriber!
