Do you ever feel emotionally wounded in your marriage?
Like you have been so hurt and disappointed, you don’t even know if you’ll truly recover?
Are you just sinking further and further in the sea of discontentment?
The image you had of your life with your husband has evolved into something you don’t even want any more.
You are perpetually unhappy.
Completely misunderstood and under appreciated.
The distance between you is palpable and the spark is long, long gone.
Right now, the easiest thing seems to just co-exist and to raise your children together without putting any effort into your relationship with each other.
You’re so tired.
Exhausted.
Defeated.
Having the same issues over and over again.
He works too much.
He doesn’t help out around the house.
He doesn’t communicate with you at all.
He doesn’t take into account your opinion or needs.
He doesn’t put forth any effort to show he loves you.
He has shut down and checked out.
You feel rejected and neglected.
That pain and unfulfillment has lead you to be a little numb inside.
You’ve been in this place for so long it’s now your default.
I see the tears welling up in your eyes as you read this.
And the tears are welling up in mine as I write to you.
I know this pain really well.
And it does get better.
I know that too.
I can show you how to dig yourself out of it, and to experience a relationship with your husband that lights you up inside instead of sucking the energy out of you.
But right now, I know it’s so easy to lose hope in moments like these.
It’s so easy to feel like the situation is the worst is could ever be.
There is this dull ache inside of you that just won’t go away.
I know you’re hurting.
I know you’re angry.
And I know you just don’t know what to do right now.
A part of you wants to stay because you want it to be better.
A part of you wants to leave because you just can’t take it anymore.
And so you sit in the middle, unhappy, but there.
Checked out, but there.
Right now, I cannot tell you what to do.
And as a coach, that’s not even my job.
My role is to help you get the right perspective so you can see your situation for what it really is.
My role as a spiritual teacher is to show you how to take this situation to God and tune your heart and ear to His response.
My role as your sister in this journey of marriage is to listen with an empathetic ear and help encourage you when you can’t do that for yourself.
And so given that, I want to leave you with 3 very important questions to help move you through this situation.
#1. Is it really as bad as it seems?
I know this is an odd thing to ask, and your answer may immediately be “yes”. But let’s take a look at it.
Have you ever written down on paper all the things you feel are going wrong in your marriage? That’s an important exercise to do. Right now, all that’s going wrong is jumbled around in your mind without much specificity, and because of that the vagueness is clouding your judgment.
What specifically is not working for you? What specifically do you want your husband to be doing differently? What are the specific differences between you right now that are causing the issues? I want to encourage you to spend 5-10 minutes writing down your answers.
Then, I want you to begin to write out all the things that are going right. All the things you still see within your husband that are worth loving. All the ways he is still a good husband, father, and companion to you. I want you to think about the good moments you’ve had in your marriage, and the dreams you still have buried deep in your heart for the future. Those dreams are still there. You may not believe in them right now, but they exists. Dig them up, take a look at them.
This is so important because for so long your mind has been conditioned to find what’s wrong, what’s painful, and what’s not working. In order to see things in a more balanced and rational way, you need to begin to accumulate evidence for what’s right. You will have resistance to doing this. You will think there is nothing good to document. But that’s not the truth. And that’s also why step #2 below is so important.
I also want to leave you with my audio: 13 Beliefs To Hold On To When Marriage Gets Tough. It will help you get into the right frame of mind.
CLICK HERE to get your 13 Beliefs Audio!
#2. How have you involved God?
I know you may be praying for your marriage on a surface level. I know you’ve taken to God the things you want to be different about your husband. But have you truly, deeply and sincerely asked God to change your heart? Have you invited the Holy Spirit in to convict you of what is right?
Our emotions are extremely powerful forces. They can consume us and cause us to act in ways that don’t make us proud and in ways that don’t even represent who we know ourselves to be. Emotions can cause us to act mean, spiteful, like a victim, to quit on ourselves, and to see things the wrong way.
But the most powerful emotion in on the planet is love. And when we cannot generate that ourselves, we need to get it from the Creator. We need to get it from the direct source. Right now, ask God to flood your heart with love. Sit in His presence and just center yourself on the emotion of love. Say out loud, “Holy Spirit, you are welcome here. Flood my heart with your love. Show me what you need me to know.” And then sit in silence.
Your emotions are out of control, and you need some spiritual grounding. The disappointment is overshadowing the hope that God can provide. Involve Him minute by minute in your emotions. Involve Him in your thinking, in your interpretations of situations, in your perspective on it all.
Take your burdens to Him, and ask Him to change it in the way that’s best for all involved.
I want to encourage you to listen to my Forgiveness Prayer and Meditation. It will help you open your heart and to release those hurts and pains that have wounded you in your marriage.
CLICK HERE to get your Forgiveness Prayer!
#3. Who can you turn to?
Do you have an objective person you can turn to? Someone who can help you navigate this situation with reason an the right frame of mind? I know you have friends and family who are there for you, but can they really handle what you are dealing with in a way that will move you forward? Wise counsel is extremely important and those closest to you may sometimes just agree and side with you because the love you so much.
But you need to be challenged in your thinking so you can grow stronger from this.
Your perspective needs to be expanded so you can get unstuck.
Your vision needs to be enlarged for you to make progress.
Your marriage is the most private and sacred aspect of your life. You cannot just trust it with anyone. And you don’t need the cookie-cutter advice that you’ve heard 1,000 times before.
You need real help.
If you are at a place where you are truly ready to say yes to yourself and get the help you need, I want to offer myself as someone you can turn to.
I have a private practice where I support clients just like you in navigating the most difficult seasons of their marriage. I welcome the opportunity for us to speak and to determine if I’m the right person to help move you forward right now.
CLICK HERE TO APPLY FOR A COMPLIMENTARY CONSULTATION
Please know that I know how you feel.
Marriage is a forever roller coaster that will always have it’s ups and downs. The goal is not to eliminate that and create some “perfect” marriage because those don’t exist. The goal is to get you to a place where you are feeling better and happier with you and how you’re showing up to your marriage.
All changes happens from the inside out.
And the level of change you are able to make within yourself is directly related to the level of change you’ll experience in the relationship with your husband.
Change is never easy.
But it’s the way to anything being different.
And it’s the quickest path to healing what’s hurting you inside.
To your quick recovery,
Dr. Chavonne
