Today I was watching a video created by one of my business coaches.
In it, she asked us to consider why we might not be achieving our goals.
Professionally, this is a question I grapple with all the time.
When it comes to running my own business, I can offer her some of the exact reasons quickly, without much thought.
I’ve come to take 100% responsibility for the results I achieve (or don’t).
But personally, especially when it comes to my marriage, I still have a tendency to look at what my husband is doing, or not doing as a major cause for any setbacks we experience as a couple.
Today somehow, I heard this question through a more personal lens, and it caused me to pause.
For several hours.
In fact, since about 2:00pm this afternoon, I’ve been thinking about it non-stop.
At the end of the year, I get very reflective about where I stand in each area of my life.
And as a person who makes a living helping others with their marriages, I look at my own with an extremely close eye.
Like many things, I have high standards and a specific vision for the experiences I want to have with my husband on a regular basis.
I know how I want to feel, and how I want him to feel.
I know how I’d like us to interact and talk to each other.
The example that we set for our children, and the way we honor God in how we choose to love each other.
And as 2018 comes to a close, we, like anyone else I know, are a work in progress.
So I took this question seriously, and allowed it to do what it was supposed to do.
Change my perspective.
That’s what’s so amazing about powerful questions.
They cause you to search for answers that sit outside of the box where you would normally look.
And when it comes to marriage, I think far too many of us (myself included sometimes) look to blame our husband for his shortcomings, while excusing our own.
What was really helpful for me in seeing things differently in this instance, were the options she gave as responses. She sort of gave us the answers without giving the answers.
Let me give you the example in a way that may be most helpful to you and the way I posed the questions to myself:
Question: What’s the reason you are not experiencing the type of marriage you want to have with your husband right now?
Answer Categories: Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions.
For example:
What are the thoughts you think that cause you to be unhappy with him?
What are the feelings you feel that cause you to stay stuck in this rough patch?
What are the actions you take that lead to further distance and conflict between the two of you?
What I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED about this question and the way it was framed, was that it didn’t allow for the answer to be anything outside of yourself.
I’ve come to embrace this perspective and lean into it often, even though it’s counter to my humanity and ego.
But it is fully aligned with my spirit.
It’s the way God would want me to look at things.
It’s the way He would want you to look at things.
And so I want to leave it with you tonight.
What are the thoughts, feelings, and actions preventing you from experiencing a marriage that truly lights you up inside?
Do not allow yourself to create answers that have you pointing the finger at your husband.
That’s not to say he shouldn’t change and improve his ways.
I’m sure he should.
But when you put the responsibility on him in exchange for putting it on yourself, then you are left with no solutions you can take action on.
Your happiness is dependent on him doing something he’s probably already shown you is not changing anytime soon.
And as you’ve probably heard me say before, this is about you.
It’s always been about you.
So sit with that question for a while.
Let it do what it’s suppose to do.
Change your perspective.
If you can use some help in this area, I want to provide you with an incredible resource I created that will help you shift your thinking to what’s most productive and helpful to you right now. It’s called 13 Beliefs to Hold on To When Marriage Gets Tough.
If you need some encouragement and want to grab on to some hope during this time, you will love this audio program. It’s yours at no cost and something I know you will listen to again and again.
CLICK HERE to get your 13 Beliefs Audio!
