There is a difference between struggling in your marriage and suffering in your marriage.
Struggling is when things feel hard. It’s times where things are difficult. When you’re trying to get to a better place, but you face obstacles that keep you stuck.
Suffering is when is a state of undergoing pain and distress. Your whole being is just down and out. You’re so beyond struggling that you just want to give up because the hurt sometimes feels like too much to bear.
Struggling is doing the right things, but getting the wrong results.
Suffering is being knocked down so hard, you don’t even want to get back up.
Where are you right now?
Are you struggling or suffering?
If you think you are suffering, how would you rate your suffering right now?
Just rate yourself on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not much at all, and 10 is the most you’ve known.
Struggling is when things feel hard. It’s times where things are difficult. When you’re trying to get to a better place, but you face obstacles that keep you stuck.
Suffering is when is a state of undergoing pain and distress. Your whole being is just down and out. You’re so beyond struggling that you just want to give up because the hurt sometimes feels like too much to bear.
Struggling is doing the right things, but getting the wrong results.
Suffering is being knocked down so hard, you don’t even want to get back up.
Where are you right now?
Are you struggling or suffering?
If you think you are suffering, how would you rate your suffering right now?
Just rate yourself on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not much at all, and 10 is the most you’ve known.
A helpful exercise would be to ask yourself this each day. If you find it’s at a level of 6 and above more often than not, that’s a signal to you.
It’s important to know when you have veered off into a state of perpetual suffering. That requires intervention and immediate attention.
It’s likely that you need some professional help or spiritual guidance to turn things around.
Being in an emotional state of suffering can lead to depression and apathy. You’re so exhausted and just want to throw in the towel.
The solution to ending your suffering, or even your struggle, is to have a plan and a pathway forward. Otherwise you stay stuck right where you are.
If we were to talk, I’d walk you through something specific to your situation.
And if we have not spoken yet, and you need some guidance, I’m offering you a chance to do that now. Click here to schedule some time for us to talk.
In the meantime, I want to leave you with 3 very specific and concrete things you can take action on right now to get yourself out of suffering. But first, it’s important that you decide now that you do NOT want to suffer. Just reading my recommendations and doing nothing with them will not help you at all.
#1. See things a different way.
You have gotten into a habit of viewing, interpreting, and seeing things in your marriage in the worst way possible. This vantage point causes you to feel bad about yourself in many different ways. You’re feeling rejected, unimportant, unsupported, uncared for, and unloved. You sit in your head processing what’s happening in ways that only lead you to feel worse and worse. You are developing a set of negative beliefs and thought patterns that you think are true.
But what if the way you “see” things is not really the way they are?
There are always several ways to interpret a situation. There are multiple explanations for what your husband is doing or not doing. Right now you are making his actions mean something about YOU. You are taking it personally, when there may be a completely different way to look at what’s going on.
One strategy I suggest is that you brainstorm explanations or ways of viewing your situation that cause you less pain. What are other possibilities that you don’t automatically think of? How could you sit at a different seat to the problems you face and see them from a different angle, an angle that doesn’t cause you so much grief?
#2. Take care of yourself.
This may sound cliche, but I’m not talking about the typical self care acts of a massage, a walk, getting your nails done or going out with a friend. You should have those things as your regular self-care regime. What I’m talking about is pouring into your mind and spirit. Saturating yourself in an environment and experience where you have no other option but to feel better and more hopeful afterwards.
Here is what I recommend: Start with some worship music and just get in the presence of God. Then begin to pray to Him, first just sharing what’s on your heart. Explain to him in detail what’s upsetting you, what’s concerning you, and how you are feeling. Then move into a phase of requesting what you need Him to do. How you need Him to move on your behalf and the things you’d like Him to shift. Don’t forget to include yourself in the things that need to change. Lastly, in your time, be sure to thank Him in advance, and begin to declare the things you desire as being already done.
If you do this with a sincere and open heart, you will feel better. Don’t rush it, allow God to be with you in your situation and to help carry your burden. He cares for you more than you know.
#3. Focus on something else.
This is not a distraction technique so you don’t deal with what’s happening. But rather, it’s a surrendering technique to let God step in and clear the way. When you are suffering, you try to come up with answers and solutions to your problems in your own strength. But when you do that from a place of desperation and despair, your answers and solutions will reflect that. You’ll be tempted to go to extremes, like walking out on your husband, or packing up your his things and kicking him out. You never want to make such important decisions from a place of negative emotion. You always want to make your decisions from a place of peace.
Diverting your attention to something that brings you joy (your kids, your work or other passion, taking a nap) raises your emotional center and gets you to feeling better. When you feel better you, make better decisions that align with where you want to go. It’s likely that you’ve been giving your problems too much of your attention without being in the head space to create a positive plan forward. Right now you probably just want to escape what you are going through rather than dealing with and processing what you are going through.
Whenever your mode of operating is escape, the issues you are “escaping” from always follow you and come back in some way.
That’s because much of the challenges we face are designed to teach us something we need to know.
They are designed to push us into growing in ways we need to grow.
They are designed to reveal to us ourselves in new ways we would have never experienced otherwise.
I can help you manage yourself during this time in a way that reduces your suffering.
Would you like some encouragement right now as you walk this path in your marriage?
It’s important to know when you have veered off into a state of perpetual suffering. That requires intervention and immediate attention.
It’s likely that you need some professional help or spiritual guidance to turn things around.
Being in an emotional state of suffering can lead to depression and apathy. You’re so exhausted and just want to throw in the towel.
The solution to ending your suffering, or even your struggle, is to have a plan and a pathway forward. Otherwise you stay stuck right where you are.
If we were to talk, I’d walk you through something specific to your situation.
And if we have not spoken yet, and you need some guidance, I’m offering you a chance to do that now. Click here to schedule some time for us to talk.
In the meantime, I want to leave you with 3 very specific and concrete things you can take action on right now to get yourself out of suffering. But first, it’s important that you decide now that you do NOT want to suffer. Just reading my recommendations and doing nothing with them will not help you at all.
#1. See things a different way.
You have gotten into a habit of viewing, interpreting, and seeing things in your marriage in the worst way possible. This vantage point causes you to feel bad about yourself in many different ways. You’re feeling rejected, unimportant, unsupported, uncared for, and unloved. You sit in your head processing what’s happening in ways that only lead you to feel worse and worse. You are developing a set of negative beliefs and thought patterns that you think are true.
But what if the way you “see” things is not really the way they are?
There are always several ways to interpret a situation. There are multiple explanations for what your husband is doing or not doing. Right now you are making his actions mean something about YOU. You are taking it personally, when there may be a completely different way to look at what’s going on.
One strategy I suggest is that you brainstorm explanations or ways of viewing your situation that cause you less pain. What are other possibilities that you don’t automatically think of? How could you sit at a different seat to the problems you face and see them from a different angle, an angle that doesn’t cause you so much grief?
#2. Take care of yourself.
This may sound cliche, but I’m not talking about the typical self care acts of a massage, a walk, getting your nails done or going out with a friend. You should have those things as your regular self-care regime. What I’m talking about is pouring into your mind and spirit. Saturating yourself in an environment and experience where you have no other option but to feel better and more hopeful afterwards.
Here is what I recommend: Start with some worship music and just get in the presence of God. Then begin to pray to Him, first just sharing what’s on your heart. Explain to him in detail what’s upsetting you, what’s concerning you, and how you are feeling. Then move into a phase of requesting what you need Him to do. How you need Him to move on your behalf and the things you’d like Him to shift. Don’t forget to include yourself in the things that need to change. Lastly, in your time, be sure to thank Him in advance, and begin to declare the things you desire as being already done.
If you do this with a sincere and open heart, you will feel better. Don’t rush it, allow God to be with you in your situation and to help carry your burden. He cares for you more than you know.
#3. Focus on something else.
This is not a distraction technique so you don’t deal with what’s happening. But rather, it’s a surrendering technique to let God step in and clear the way. When you are suffering, you try to come up with answers and solutions to your problems in your own strength. But when you do that from a place of desperation and despair, your answers and solutions will reflect that. You’ll be tempted to go to extremes, like walking out on your husband, or packing up your his things and kicking him out. You never want to make such important decisions from a place of negative emotion. You always want to make your decisions from a place of peace.
Diverting your attention to something that brings you joy (your kids, your work or other passion, taking a nap) raises your emotional center and gets you to feeling better. When you feel better you, make better decisions that align with where you want to go. It’s likely that you’ve been giving your problems too much of your attention without being in the head space to create a positive plan forward. Right now you probably just want to escape what you are going through rather than dealing with and processing what you are going through.
Whenever your mode of operating is escape, the issues you are “escaping” from always follow you and come back in some way.
That’s because much of the challenges we face are designed to teach us something we need to know.
They are designed to push us into growing in ways we need to grow.
They are designed to reveal to us ourselves in new ways we would have never experienced otherwise.
I can help you manage yourself during this time in a way that reduces your suffering.
Would you like some encouragement right now as you walk this path in your marriage?
I want to share with you an audio message on 13 Beliefs to Hold on To When Marriage Gets Hard.
Here you will find an encouraging message you’ll listen to over and over and over again. It will lift your spirits. It will help you to suffer less. It will give you a new perspective on what you are going through.
And of course, if after you listen, you’d like to speak directly with me and see how I might be able to help you more, you can do that by CLICKING HERE.
To less suffering for you,
Dr. Chavonne
