My Thanksgiving day started out wonderfully.
My husband and I got some much needed quality time in with each other before the kids woke up.
I had a chance to meditate and spend quiet time in prayer with God.
All four of us spent the morning together in just the way I like.
I was so present to the perfection that was there before me.
Then as the day went on, I grew a little tired.
My feet hurt from standing and cooking for so long.
I grew annoyed at trying to feed my kids lunch, only to have them resist and waste what was prepared.
And then there is the nap time drama.
My 2 year old took twice as long to fall asleep, and my 4 year old just didn’t nap at all.
But my husband, enjoyed a peaceful, restful, uninterrupted 2 hour nap.
And by the time he woke up, we were already late for where we needed to be.
While he showered, I managed to get both kids ready to go, and pack the entire car.
All he had to do was get himself ready, and then hop into the drivers seat to take us to our Thanksgiving dinner destination.
I was so frustrated.
Sensing my mood, he thanked me for handling everything.
I should have seen it as his appropriate attempt to express his awareness and appreciation for how I went above and beyond without his help.
But I did not.
I was all in my own feelings and emotions about the situation.
“It’s super frustrating.” I declared.
And then downhill it went from there.
Defensiveness on his part.
Annoyance on mine.
These dynamics are not unique to us. I know you’ve experienced something similar if not exactly the same thing yourself.
And while I’ve gotten soooooo good and letting things go, at that exact moment in time, I fell down, and derailed what could have been a nearly perfect day.
As I have reflected on what took place and how I was feeling, there are some lessons I see that I think will be helpful to you.
Please know that I share my own struggles to let you know there is no perfection that exists in marriage, only progress. And your goal in reading this should be with the lens of “how does this move me forward in what I”m experiencing right now?”
Here are the takeaways.
1. Keep the vision clear and constantly in front of you.
There will always be situations where you are annoyed and frustrated or disappointed and hurt by your husband’s actions or lack thereof. And these things will always be magnified when you don’t have something bigger and better as your guide. That’s why it’s so important to have a CLEAR vision of what you are working toward in your marriage.
In that moment on Thanksgiving Day, I lost sight of what I want more than anything.
I lost it.
The vision.
It was not in front of me in that moment.
Had I been conscious to it, and committed to it more than my own righteousness, as soon as my husband thanked me, I would have responded with a welcoming attitude and compassionate love.
So, for you, what is the vision you have for your marriage? What is it supposed to represent to you, to your children, to others who see you as influential? What is the vision you have for how you and your husband treat each other, communicate with each other, and feel in each other’s presence? If you can always keep this vision before you, any small mistakes on his part will roll off you and you’ll be able to stay in alignment with where you are headed.
2. Unresolved issues, are always operating under the surface.
Whether you are the one to sweep things under the rug, or your husband is, the issues between you two that are never fully addressed or forgiven are always at play. They show up in subtle comments, the way you interpret situations, and the perception you have of each other’s actions.
For me, juggling the demands of two small children is enormous and there are many, many, many times where I want my husband to help out more. What I had to realize is that he is always willing to help whenever I am clear in what I need him to do. And as women, we HAVE to get over the attitude that “I shouldn’t have to tell him” because the reality is, we do.
In that moment when I started to feel overwhelmed, the choice I had to make was to either wake my husband up and ask for help, or to forgive him for not knowing what I needed. We have to make those our only two choices in the matter. Otherwise, those unresolved issues from all the other times he didn’t step in the way we wanted cloud our judgment and we bring a history of frustration with us, rather than the one situation at hand.
And in case you’re curious, I’m choosing forgiveness. I‘ll be listening to my own prayer and meditation on that. You can too.
3. Never lose sight of what’s actually working.
This makes me laugh because I was just coaching a couple on this very topic. As women, we have a list of at least 30 things our husbands need to do in order for us to be happy. And he must check things off in multiple categories before he’s in our good graces.
Men are much simpler than that. They feel like if they do one thing right, they’ve hit the jackpot and are done for the day. So, when we get upset about the one thing he didn’t do, it sends a message to him that the other things he did do, are completely undervalued and not noticed.
The solution is to always start with what’s going right. If I could re-do the conversation, I would start out with my appreciation for how he got the kids up and fed them breakfast. How he was willing and available to stay home with them while I ran to the store. I’d start by acknowledging what was working, and then just express how much I appreciate when he helps out. I did that (after the fact), and it helped, but would have been much more powerful at the beginning.
I want you to really get that your husband just wants to please you and he wants you to be happy with his efforts. Deep inside he’s like a little boy looking for your approval and admiration. He needs that so much. Offer it generously, and you’ll see he does more and more to make you happy. Case in point, my husband cleaned the entire downstairs and asked if there was anything more I wanted him to do when we arrived back home. I immediately expressed my appreciation and apologized for being cranky before. I also know that I’ll need to continue to reiterate my appreciation because the damage done from our first conversation is not completely undone as of yet. And it’s likely you may have to do the same.
I hope this email has helped you see some things you can begin to think about and take action on in your own marriage right now.
Do you need to get a clearer vision?
Do you have issues that need to be resolved or forgiven?
Do you need tools to help you focus on the good?
If your answer is yes, I’m here to help.
I want to invite you to experience a consultation call with me. I’ll hear what’s happening, I’ll offer some powerful ways at looking at what you’re facing, and together we’ll uncover the exact path that will move you forward.
