Let’s face it, kids are hard on a marriage. But what if there were some tried and true tips to avoid ruining your marriage after you have kids? In this post, I’ll share 3 of them in the hopes that you’ll be able to avoid some of the common pitfalls.
This issue was pressing on my mind recently, and reminded me of how complicated it can be to find “couple time” when you have children.
My husband and I were asked to be the featured speakers at a marriage ministry event.
As I went back and forth with the organizer about the time, I was confronted with many realities that are all too common for those of us who have young children and ever want to do things alone as a couple.
Mainly, the looming question, “Who’s going to watch the kids?” was bumping around in my mind, as I’m so aware of how that logistical detail keeps tons of couples stressed out and many times stuck in the house not able to nurture their marriage the ways that they should.
As I thought about this event, I wanted to make sure that the time offered would work for parents who might have early morning obligations with their children.
I wanted it to work for parents who have to contend with afternoon nap time and trying to transport sleepy cranky children to the kind family member who graciously agreed to make herself available.
I wanted it to work for parents who might have a hard time finding a sitter on a Saturday as they feel guilty asking someone to give up the ONLY free day they have.
In fact, this question of “who will watch the kids?” is one I grapple with on a regular basis in my own home. So much so, that my husband had this very conversation 2 days ago, as we planned to attend a separate marriage enrichment event for ourselves that involves both Friday evening and Saturday morning activities. YIKES!
It’s tempting to pass on these type of experiences and chalk it up to “not being worth the trouble” of inconveniencing others with the responsibility of taking care of your children.
It’s so easy to stop making time for date nights because you don’t want to go through the hassle of making the childcare arrangements. Or because you don’t trust anyone to watch your kids. Or because you want to be the one to do everything for them all. of. the. time.
I can say these things, because they were once my own excuses. And it took me gaining a specific kind of perspective to realize that “it’s not worth the trouble” is a statement that couldn’t be father from the truth.
Here’s why.
1. Focusing on your marriage is the BEST thing you can do to take care of your kids.
You have to remember that they exist because of the love between you and your husband. It’s that love and connection between the two of you that created their very being, and it’s that same love and connection that’s necessary to ensure they continue to thrive. Your relationship with your husband is intricately linked to the well-being of your children. There’s an interdependence that most fail to realize. And because of that, when you put your marriage first, you also put them first.
2. When you focus on having quality and meaningful experiences together (over quantity), the return on that investment is BIG.
Lots of times couples go on “date nights”, or make plans together, but end up having the same old conversations they have at home, or worse, are at a loss for things to talk about. And as a result the time away doesn’t rejuvenate them or bring them any closer. It’s important to have certain types of experiences together that fulfill at least one of the 6 types of marital connection so that the time you spend alone as a couple (even brief) can have ripple effects that keep you consistently connected.
3. A little inconvenience now saves you from a crisis later.
I can’t tell you how many couples put their marriages on cruise control and stop making investments into what I like to call Marriage Capital. They can’t be bothered with adjusting their schedules for each other, or their too tired to put forth the effort. It’s dangerous to operate only in the “here and now” and not consider the impact of those tiny daily decisions that erode the strength of your marriage. It’s very common for people to allow themselves to backslide on investing in their marriage and then wonder, years down the line, where it all went wrong. It’s like wanting to retire at 65 only to realize you haven’t put anything away in your 401K. Your balance is zero.
All of that to say, your marriage is worth the trouble. It’s worth the inconvenience. It’s worth the effort.
NOW.
So why not act like it?
Don’t keep putting it off on account of busy schedules, childcare issues and other life stresses that will always try to get in the way.
You have to guard your marriage and develop daily and simple habits that enable you to remain connected no matter what’s trying to pull you apart. And I’m super excited to share with you some amazing strategies that really make the difference between couples who are passionately close, and couples who are living like roommates.
I’ve created a FREE Marriage Masterclass all about how keep that connection strong and healthy so that you and you husband feel as close as you did back in the day (and especially before you had kids)
This BRAND NEW class combines what I’ve learned through personal experience and some of the most effective, tried and true strategies that successful couples use to keep their relationship feeling as exciting and passionate as when they first met.
Starting to wonder if that can still be a reality for you?
I’m here to tell you it can!
And you don’t want to miss this free Marriage Masterclass where I’ll be breaking down step-by-step, habit-by-habit the exact things you can do to ensure you enjoy the time spent with your husband, laughing, cuddling, and talking like best friends again.
Here are the details:
How to Be Passionately Close When Life with Kids, Busy Work Schedules and Unresolved Differences Try to Pull You Apart
CLICK HERE for the Masterclass
Also, when you sign up to receive this Marriage Masterclass, you’ll learn how to get a free (and fun) marriage activity that’s guaranteed to put more excitement in your marriage.
Can’t wait to see you there!
Dr. Chavonne Perotte
Marriage & Life Coach
