Last year, I celebrated my 40th Birthday at my favorite Cuban Restaurant, Cuba Libre.
Seated around me in perfect formation were 5 of my dearest and closest friends. As I looked at their faces in the dimly lit dining room, I felt so incredibly comfortable and at ease.
I laughed and giggled like a little school girl.
And later, we returned to our hotel room for an old school slumber party, staying up all night chatting, playing silly games and trading stories.
We ate late night pizza like college kids.
So. Much. Fun.
I had gone back and forth a million times on how I wanted to celebrate such a milestone birthday.
I knew I wanted to have fun, and laugh til my stomach hurt.
I knew I wanted something that was no fuss, light and easy.
I knew I wanted to not have to conform to any particular standard, where I could be my carefree, often tardy, and extra-dramatic self.
And at the time, that kind of experience, at least in my mind, did not really include my husband.
We were entering into a phase of our marriage where things were anything but fun.
Our responsibilities as parents were overwhelming and stressful.
His work schedule was insane and I was absolutely obsessed with building my business.
There was an undercurrent of disappointment and judgment as our differences seemed to grow and slowly wedge their way between us.
And so, as I considered the celebration of my birthday, and the fun I wanted to have, I made the decision not to include him in that night.
I’m ashamed to admit that, and my heart is literally about to leap out of my chest as I type these soul-bearing words to you now.
But I know in sharing my story, I give you permission to acknowledge your own.
Every marriage reaches a moment, or two, or 100 where the fun and excitement is buried underneath loads of laundry, school drop-offs, demanding workloads, and nagging little points of disagreement.
The weight of all we’re managing as individuals soon leaves it’s heavy imprint on the once strong connection we experienced as husband and wife.
And soon we find the fun we once had is a distant memory and that we’re now lacking passion, excitement and any semblance of a good time.
I wish I could say that my 40th birthday was a wake-up call for me.
It was not.
But soon after, I re-committed myself to my own form of marriage training, and things clicked for me in new ways. I’m happy to report that my husband and I have been able to infuse fun and passion back into our relationship and he’s literally my favorite person to spend my time with now.
We laugh together at the silliest of things, we hold hands in the car while he’s driving, we have a special time together each night where we talk about our day and what we learned about ourselves.
We’re not only a better couple, but we’re better parents to our kids because we’re working together as a cohesive team that feels united. And as I think about how I want to spend my birthday this year, he will be my one and only invited guest. And I can’t wait.
If you’re wanting these things in your own marriage, you’ll definitely want to read these tips below with the mindset to apply them. Most people read a blog like this, nod their head in agreement and then nothing changed in their relationship.
Commit yourself to taking some action as a result of reading this.
These are the most essential things to do as a starting place for getting your marriage to a more fun, exciting and passionate relationship with your husband. There many ways to approach the issue, but I find if you start with these 3, you’ll find the improvements you’re looking for will come much more easily.
Here’s 3 things I personally learned in the process that I know will make a difference for you.
1. Clean up your thinking.
If you’ve been telling yourself that your marriage is no fun, that your husband never wants to do anything, or that you’re just in a place of living like roommates, then you’ll just get more of that.
If you want a marriage that is bursting with fun and excitement, then you have to first acknowledge that fun and excitement is what you want. Next, you have to believe that it’s possible to actually have fun together.
Think back to at least 3 of your favorite and fun moments together. Share those with him and remind him of how much they meant to you. And then make a conscious choice to stop focusing on the negative and what’s not going right and make it a goal to look for and create more fun in everyday moments.
2. Make yourself available.
Typically when distance and boredom enters into a marriage, you’ll begin to fill your time with lots of activities that keep you avoiding your husband. You get tired of not doing things together and you find other outlets for enjoyment and entertainment (i.e. Facebook, t.v., hanging out with your friends or co-workers).
Or maybe you are so busy with work, school, and other activities, that there is just no space for the two of you to connect. If you truly want to have more fun and a meaningful connection with your husband, you have to exchange time spent elsewhere with time spent with him.
Commit to taking a break from something you do alone in exchange for spending some time with him.
3. Go back to the basics.
Let’s just be honest. You’ve stopped doing the things you did at the beginning of your relationship or marriage. Way back when, you were the willing woman who made him feel like the center of your world.
You put your best self forward, you studied his likes and dislikes and made it your mission to put a smile on his face. You were glad to give him your time and attention. You were creative in the things you suggested you do together. You planned to have fun. And now, years later, add a couple of kids, plus the growing responsibilities of life, and your husband falls lower and lower on the list of your priorities.
Marriage, like anything in life is the product of your effort. Put in the work, get the reward. And if you’ve fallen off, you’ve got to start with the basics.
Again, these three steps are a critical starting point. After you’ve done them, you need the exact things to do, the specific habits to break and new rituals to start so that the relationship with your husband becomes the one you thought you’d have when you first said “I do.” You know, the marriage that’s filled with fun, where you’re on the same page and want to spend as much time with each other as possible because you feel so good together.
So, why not delve more deeply into this topic?
I’ve created a free Marriage Masterclass just for you!
How to Be Passionately Close When Life with Kids, Busy Work Schedules and Unresolved Differences Try to Pull You Apart
CLICK HERE for the Masterclass
Not only will you find it helpful, but it’s free to attend so you have nothing to lose and only a more fun and closer connection to your husband to gain.
Here’s what you’ll walk away with:
–practical and simple ideas that feed fun and meaningful connection into your marriage even when your hectic schedule leaves you feeling depleted (I practice this myself and it’s made a huge difference)
-the 5 most important and marriage-saving habits to start NOW so you can strengthen your marriage without it feeling like work you just don’t want to do
–in-depth strategies you can use in order overcome lack of motivation and apathy so you can actually experience the fun and closeness you really want (this has worked wonders for me!)
-top 2 mistakes that lead couples to live like roommates and solo parents instead of feeling like passionate lovers and teammates who have each other’s back
Also, when you sign up for this Marriage Masterclass, you’ll receive a free, fun, and easy to follow marriage exercise that’s guaranteed to put more excitement in your marriage.
CLICK HERE for the Masterclass
Can’t wait to see you there!
Dr. Chavonne Perotte
