There is nothing worse than desperately longing for a child while everyone else around you is getting pregnant. By accident. On the first try. And worse…unwanted. It’s like pouring salt into a 10 foot open wound. Jealousy is a natural feeling and you probably find yourself obsessing over the fact that you deserve a child even more than those around you. You should be first. You’ve been married longer. You’re in a better position to be able to care for a child.
The question, “why not me?” comes up often. And then you feel worse about your situation.
As hard as it is to accept, asking that question and countless other similar ones, is probably not serving you well. The funny thing is that when we ask the question, “why not me?” our brain will actually go to work to find the answer. Some of those answers might be “you’re too old”, “your eggs are poor quality”, “you’re prone to miscarry”, “you’re being punished” and the list goes on.
A while ago, I learned the concept of asking empowering questions as a way to open my mind to not only accept the reality of my situation, but to shift my perspective to one that made me feel good about the place where I was. Here are 5 questions I encourage you to ask yourself:
1. What’s the good in this for me?
I’m sure this is a question that you rarely find yourself asking, but it’s definitely worth a try. Even in the worst of situations, there is always good to be found. It just takes a little effort and a lot of practice. For me, the experience of infertility brought my husband and me closer, and showed me how strong I was. And now, it’s made me a better mother. I’m also able to relate to and support other people who are going through the same thing. If you look for something good in all this, you will find it. I guarantee.
2. What am I supposed to be learning through this experience?
Every challenge comes with a lesson to be learned. There is something you are supposed to take from this time to help you in the next phase of your life. Perhaps its patience. Or the ability to release control of things that are out of your hands. Whatever it is you are supposed to take away from this time, try your best to find it. If not, it will probably be there waiting for you in some other situation or circumstance. So, learn the lesson now and become an A+ student.
3. What joy can I find in someone else’s pregnancy?
Let’s face it, the fact that someone else is pregnant has nothing to do with you. Being upset because it’s them and not you only leaves you feeling bad and trains you to feel resentment. Instead, train yourself to feel joy and gratitude. Pregnancy in and of itself is the greatest miracle and a true gift. A sperm and egg really can successfully unite and implant in a uterus. That’s always worth celebrating! Whatever you can do to truly be happy for someone else’s miracle (no matter what the circumstances) the better YOU will feel.
4. What can I do to make today a great day no matter what?
We all know there are good days and bad days. It may seem that the good days come about because of some good news. The truth is a good day starts in your mind. If you make up your mind to have a good day and to maintain a positive outlook, guess what you’ll get? A good day. What are the things that lift your spirits no matter what is happening around you? For me it’s music. I often have an impromptu dance party whenever I’m feeling a little down and literally will myself to feel good. I look silly for sure. But I always feel better.
5. Why am I choosing to think this way?
Now, on the surface, this question may not seem empowering, but to me, it’s the most powerful of all. So often, we go around thinking without ever pausing to take a look at what’s going on in our mind. If you can, the next time you react negatively to the news of someone getting pregnant or to seeing some “undeserving” parent, ask yourself, “why do I choose to think that way?” Your answer, on the surface, may seek to justify your thinking. But if you’re brave enough and open enough, you may see that judging someone else’s experience doesn’t serve you well. And that you really don’t know the depth of their story. Just like they don’t know the depth of yours. And maybe, just maybe, you could ask instead, “why not them?” and answer with true grace and compassion.
I’d love to support you! If the concepts I’ve offered have just scratched the surface for you, let’s talk more. I’m here at Chavonne@BeRelateAble.com.