Every couple has their hot-button issues which can sometimes lead you to think your marriage is falling apart.
Almost every conversation leaves one or both of you feeling not so great about the exchange.
My husband and I are no different.
But one of my goals for my marriage this year is to communicate openly and honestly, and to be more in control of my emotions during difficult conversations.
Even though I’m studying this area daily, I still have my moments of falling down.
And on Thursday of last week, I had one of those moments.
I approached my husband and wanted his feedback on something I was thinking about doing.
I shared my thoughts and provided lots of context for how I arrived at the idea I was sharing. And then I quietly listened for his response.
Our first step in these types of conversations is to identify what we can both agree on. To find our common ground and point of unity. (Side note: We came to this step out of sheer necessity given several challenging exchanges where any semblance of unity was completely absent).
And then he proceeded to share his opinion.
With each period of his sentences, I could feel my idea weakening, cracking, and then eventually shattering.
I did not take it very well and began to defend my point instead of appreciating his.
To top it all off, this all happened just hours before our scheduled “date night in” (another one of our marriage goals this year) and so I knew that I had to find some way to clean up my part of the mess this conversation had turned in to.
As I took our son upstairs for bed, being so grateful for this distraction, I had a moment to reflect on the exchange.
I realized two things:
1. I did not come to the conversation truly seeking my husband’s feedback. I came looking for his endorsement.
2. I have a habit of entering a conversation with my husband expecting him to respond in a certain way, that often is not the case. Instead of adjusting my expectations, I blame him for not being sensitive to how I want to receive his opinions.
As I thought about what just happened, I knew I had a choice to make.
To either hold on to my selfish indignation and continue to stew in all the ways he was not seeing the situation clearly, or to let it go, and make the choice to open myself up to having a wonderful evening with my husband.
It took a little bit of work, but I chose the later.
And I’m so glad I did.
Not only did we have a wonderful “date night in”, but I was brave enough to approach a similar conversation a few days later.
At first, he rolled his eyes at me, like “oh no, here we go again…these things never go well.”
And I expressed to him how much I believed and wanted for us to get it right. That I was willing to keep trying, adjusting my expectations, managing my reactions better, and being more open minded to whatever would come out of his mouth.
I’m happy to report, this conversation went much, much better.
You see, that’s the thing with goals and any kind of change you want to see in your life.
You keep trying.
You make mistakes.
You clean up the mess.
You try again.
You do a little better.
You. Keep. Trying.
It’s called Imperfect Progress.
I love this term, originally presented to me in Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.
I think it’s a pretty liberating concept.
And I think it’s a key ingredient to actually achieving your goals, in any area of life, but especially in marriage.
We are two greatly flawed people with individual and collective issues. Things are guaranteed to get hard. To get uncomfortable. To get completely and utterly miserable at times.
But that doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t still make progress.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t do better the next time.
Here are a few tips for muddling through imperfect progress: (in marriage or any area of life)
1. Acknowledge and understand what went wrong.
You can’t fix what you are unwilling to admit. This may mean you swallow your own pride and humbly examine yourself. Reflect back on what was going on for you and what caused you to make the decision you made.
2. Consider how you could have or should have made a different decision
Was your reaction called for in that situation? What would have been the better thing for you to do? What would have made you proud of yourself in that moment? Aim for no less than 3 alternative decisions or ways of responding that would have been wiser.
3. Show yourself grace and compassion.
It’s okay to make the mistake as long as you remain committed to doing better the next time. Don’t allow yourself to become paralyzed by what seems like a failure or disappointment. Sometimes those slip ups remind you and bring to your awareness exactly where you’re trying to go instead.
4. Decide ahead of time how you will respond the next time you’re in that situation.
Being intentional about your behavior means you make an agreement with yourself in advance for how you will respond. What are 3 characteristics you want to embody when faced with your triggers? Write them down and remind yourself of these qualities often.
5. Recognize your progress, and constantly recommit yourself to doing even better next time.
Look at your progress on a continuum. Each night, take a mental note of how you did in moving toward your goals. Did you get closer to how you wanted to be, or were you able to make more of the right decisions? On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate yourself on that day in the area you are trying to improve? Aim to increase this little by little each day.
Today, why not give yourself permission to make imperfect progress using the 5 steps above? I’m sure you’ll see how quickly you’re on your way…
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